[[ The fading memories ]]

[[ The fading memories ]]
Memories do fade..fading off..fading away..

The people who came in and out of my life.. I try to keep their memories fresh but sometimes no matter how i keep.. It still fades away.. Maybe one day we will meet the person who ever been thru our lives... And i do yearn to ever see the people again.. and for some reasons.. the people would change..

Memories do fade but Fate hold its back.

How could a person still be the same you want dem to be?

Why do i have such a big reaction at this point of time..? I also dunoe. but i suddenly thought of it.. Jus now i went to look back at my photographs. I'm glad.. really glad i have capture all i want in photographs.. though some people i never did have the chance..

I missed everything when i flip thru the photographs.. I have a nice album which i decorated myself and Im pretty proud with it..

I missed Taiwan.I would never forget.Looking at the tour people. I'm glad i knew dem before and it is a sort of fate which blinds us together.

Without fate.I will never knew the people around me.every single one of them. Fate never ends..

I really missed 4e3 and Bss from my bottom of my heart..

When i progress from primary school to secondary school.. I didnt have that feelings in me.. Have i grown up now? to miss the life back then?

In YJ.. Its all strangers and some familiar faces.. The environment is new.. The feelings is very different.. Though sometimes i act childish and i didnt know what to say.. even though in college or maybe University or poly.. people could still remain their own before.. like i say.. theres a child in everyone.. Dont hide that child.. And if u grow really mature.. If you present that child out.. everyone will think its childish.. But look.. we are still young now.. dont u think so?

I still hadnt figure out how to walk in YJ. The feelings is very different.. Yesterday I was sitting outside the staff room waiting for Mr goh.. I remembered the staff room table outside where we used to study.. naturally not at YJ but BSS.. I sat outside dere.. the feelings is very different.. My friends are gone.. Once studying and playing together.. All of them is gone.. The teachers walk in and out.. chit chat with us is all gone.. The teachers are all unfamiliar faces and i stare at the board so long and still couldnt figure who is who.. Where is all my teachers back then? I really admire them.. and probably to the extent of loving them.. yesh and i love my teachers.. I had the best teachers.

I played floorball on friday till around 7.40pm.. The hall where we used to play floorball was re-shaped.. And my once floorball friends were all different.. I teamed with one group of people i couldnt even regconise who is who.. I carnt figure out if they were the opposite team or my team.. And the game continues..

I left the hall.. It was dark and im all alone.. The only reason i stayed to this late by myself is my interest and u can call it passion for floorball though I am not very skilled.. I had no friends.. and the feeling was terrible.. Everyone was in groups.. I was alone and after i start to mix around.. I feel much more better..

Bendemeer used to be dark but i can still grope around in the dark.. there are lights around and i couldnt understand why YJ is so dark and no one bothers to switch on the lights.. In Bendemeer.. There is a sense of warmth.. familiarity in there.. And a sense of belonging..

I basically knew no one dere. Where i knew almost everyone in Bss back then..

I know.. How could i compare.. but i really wished to go back dere.. I feel so much comfortable..

This kind of feeling is really terrible.. probably amy u are right.. When we are used to this kind of environment.. We will have to adapt to another.. Its hard to adapt out of a sudden..

I missed the those kind of comfortable environment and friends..

The people i knew here was basically like wearing a mask.. masquerade.. I do not know dem very well.. and the truth is everyone had some stuff unknown.. Its hard to throw away all that.. and with my old friends.. We neednt wear a mask.. But face with all this people.. It was tough.. I was afraid i offend dem at times.. Why was i apologising to them at times? I didnt wan a difficult life.. Its all strange and awkard here..

I wasnt actually a very nice person.. I offend people at times without me knowing.. I wasnt tt kind of nice people.. I actually asked myself.. why..? Why carnt i be nice? and instead of blurting out those stuff which breaks people heart.. I didnt want to be angry.. I always kept my temper.. I was quite straightforward but at times i wasnt.. who am i actually?

I wasnt that kind of quiet and gentle lady where everyone likes and is popular.. I am also not that kind of being sensible and have no anger..In fact i was very much opposite of it.. But i tries.. I tries hard to fit in to everyone.. I tries hard to be nice..

Its so hard.. Why carnt i be myself? Yes.. I am noisy.. childish.. rough.. uncultured and have attitude problem.. And sometimes I offend people unknowingly.. And why am i degrading myself.. I didnt know why but thats probably the real me..

In fact.. I always admire those kind of people.. Who has their own image yet i keep doing things embarrasing myself.. I had a lot a lot of problems.. Some people never knew.. I hated myself at times.. Why do i keep embarrassing myself.. Im really shameful of myself.. I keep knocking into things.. apologising to people at every minute.. Why am i so clumsy.. And the stupid bag of mine.. I keep knocking into things becos my stupid bag.. I shall get a not so big bag in future.. And why am i blaming my bag.. I had no reasons to do so..

That kind of smart..efficient.. and sporty can never belong to me.. In fact.. I was really inperfect which i had nothing perfect.. I couldnt do a single thing well if you know me well.. I was ruining things all along in my life..

Everyone says..everyone had something which they are good in.. wad? what am i good at? Its all crap....

Why am i so inperfect.I didnt wanna be a perfect person.I know i couldnt but at least let me of 1% of perfect.

Keep going on for perfection. Is there any use at all..?

Perfectionist in progress. hah hah hah.

Get real.