i stared at the light. i understood the heart of darkness now. no matter how painful i feel, i can only remain unsound. teach me how to save a life.

at downfall, who's left. i face it all alone. who is willing to walk this journey with me. no one would. i face it all alone when darkness comes.

watched them all in pain in agony in sufferings. the onlooker watched everything. it almost tear her heart. she bit hard trying to control not to shed a single tear in this piece of tragedy. she learns about the darkness and someday the wilderness is going to take it all back. and she didnt expect it is so soon. wilderness is already taking its revenge. trama. not exactly the wilderness but the clear blue light. it was raining all day long. she feels lost at the thought of brutality. it was almost harmless. and it always put them into the fucked up situation. she wish she can share some pain. so that everyone still is able to remain happy. what is happy. maybe it isnt about the sound it isnt about the word it is about the mood. she stared at the happiest and she couldnt find any joy in it. she cannot see any. questions are useless. no one can answer it. break-







down- i lost all my illusions. left my confusion in a cynical world. throwing myself at things i can never understand. discover what enlightment then. everyone is just a piece of tragedy. things never get better; if they did; things get much more worse after getting better. i always remember; it was late afternoons. let the rain fall down. and be peace after it. i watched on helplessly. there i stood, heartaches and bodyaches. almost couldnt feel my bodyaches anymore in comparison. everything disappear like crashing down to the floor. heavens was never cruel to me. maybe it wasnt my time yet. but to undergo it, it is equally painful. it is really aching. it reviewed a particular scene and i cant find any way to sense the humour in it. the bravest. no one can understand each other.

watched them in confusion. they felt almost the same way but none could express themselves clearly. every day's the same

everyone's in the wrong shoes. everyone's out in thunderstorms. out on the field. waiting for the chosen one. never revealing that day. trappings of pain. crying shoulders, greatest founder of pain. rain falls angrily.

i said all the words that i know. this place is so empty my thoughts are so tempting i dont know how it got so bad.

modulus sign can never work nowadays. on anyone out there. no one. things get terrible for everyone around me. i hope this ends. stop please. enough of that. before that day comes when everyone started tearing and it is the delusion. darkness is everywhere, overtaking everyone. before we know, the world is left in darkness and silence.

negative negative negative, nothing helps now. no one can be saved. nothing can be salvaged. the most impossible things happens. i watched the black and white flash and the laughters is mute. please just stop. wont.

strength is just the thing everyone needs. make it simple. find your own source of strength every single day. something comfortable and you can never run away. please all people, stay strong for the moment for everything/anything you are facing right now. life is definitely going to get better. it is not a lie. hopefully. disenchanted i am; i hate this ending.

lets go back; back to the beginning.

since life is so vulnerable, wonder when is that day.

somehow thought of policeman's best bud. and i guess he would be enjoying it. india- somehow gives a different sort of feeling. but i think if im there for a holiday, i would enjoy it. walking through streets and markets, it gives a very country home feeling. but right now, whenever i think of india, i only think of the guide. and theres literature test on monday.

guess everyone feel the very same way. no matter how frustrated we are with ourselves, we can only suppress it down. pretend that nothing has happen and we are not beaten. cos we dont want to let the last bit of hope confidence just fade away. this piece of tragedy. this part of agony and pain. really is unbearable and terrible. school takes away our confidence bit by bit and gives a load of work. time is lacking. i know that. but still, we need breaks at times. we have to rest. before we carry on.

results are dead, black and white. but it kills us.
lets pretend, keep on pretending.

once monday begins, i seem to have sit for a rollercoaster ride and its never-ending. sometimes i got hit terribly. sometimes i got so fearful that i fainted. sometimes i kept on shouting screaming for the ride to end, but it never end. no one heard anything. the operator just left me screaming and shouting. frantically. i need help. desperately. please get me off.

and weekends is like sitting on a ferris wheel. when it turns and rotates, we just get so mesmerized with the scenery and time slips away slowly. but it stops and demand for us to get off. the colours we saw were heavenly. a world.

school is like an amusement park. just that it doesnt amuse and it doesnt entertain. only friends and people do. the only joy left in this whole amusement park. sounds pathetic. tragic perhaps. i just said. life now set us spinning. be it, rollercoaster or ferris wheel, we are the ones trapped in this cycle. and we have totally no control over it. time.

I guess i never dared to sleep before 12am. i never reach home before 5 only for once when my mother came fetch me home from school. this is the school life. the routine. the spin. the trouble. even though i dont know what im doing, but im just still doing. life gets so complicated and confusing. that i lost my way through this huge amazon.

my eyes are closing, thats when i get the signal. my brain is no longer functioning. no matter how hard i force myself. i couldnt set it right. i couldnt set myself right. i couldnt set this piece of tragedy right. whatever it is, i'll see you next weekends again. since computers serve as an incentive after i've completed my tasks for the day. but never once during the weekday (if i controlled myself not to use the com even if i have not finish my work), i never get the chance to touch it. goodbye carousels.

goodbye light. hello darkness.

we'll carry it on

I suddenly had this funny thought. maybe life is really a cycle. just when we progress to the new technological age, we keep ourselves in the retro age. and maybe one day we all dressed in retro clothes. and maybe retro songs got into fashion. then we keep up to the fashion and then the young generation will find us old-fashioned (like how we find our parents/grandparents are) and they are always in style. and then maybe retro might be in the fashion again and the whole process starts once over again. maybe everything just sweeps us off-

what are we. i really cant tell.

i struggled with school this week. i cant believe its weekends again. when i almost felt tears coming, i shoved it off with a laugh. it wasnt till that extent but i felt like a joke myself. i looked at myself. i see a pathetic figure. negative negative negative. there is nothing i can cope well with. not one. no matter how hard i try to. i still cant. it got so bad till i paste a post-it on my table everyday saying stay positive. this is how bad it gets. it gets so bad that i wake up every morning in total darkness. sometimes life gets better. sometimes it just get worse. creating a strong impact. it gets so bad that i dont feel like waking up at all. it gets so bad that i feel dead. i cant explain myself at all. i felt helpless and useless. negative negative negative. extremely negative. i fell it real hard this time. i cant hear anything. my ears are blocked. my mind is completely blank. i dont need anything right now. if i can have three wishes now, i'll wish for more sleep and nice sweet dreams that take me wherever i can. and the last is i'll never wake up. please make this right. when darkness turns into light, it ends but never will be tonight. it will be i dont know when. dont lose your chance dont wait for time to go. its too late to find.

darkness is always there. it is hovering everywhere people go. its always there. and it is especially ominous during literature lessons. heart of darkness; it got so associated with life. pray for tomorrow. it better not be corrupted. even though people are always corrupted, they bring out the darkness in them. despair learnt it today. it is endless. how true. let it end...

irony.


maybe its really right that im easilly troubled. a piece of tragedy. i am.

where had i been. troubled and feeling lost. for an instance, i felt like a total retard. i dont know what am i thinking about and doing. why do i feel so troubled for no reason. why cant people just live their life simpler. why be like me and make life so complicating. i surrender myself. to the bottomless pit of sorrow. covered with dead leaves. dying and decaying.

i need some of those times to relieve the lost feeling i feel everyday.

please make peace. this world should be left alone quietly. everyone everything is peaceful and harmonious. so should kings and clowns. please make peace my king. even if the world turns upside down, nothing would happen. dont let me die away. dont make me feel we are far apart. and at any moment, i would lose peace. and dont make me feel that i was never meant for you. inferiority always stick with me. please tell me that we belong together, we came from the same planet. please allow us to communicate. and heavens, please stop me to discover more about humans. and please stop you to discover more about me. for i still want my eternity.

first day of new year - compulsive gamblers went my house at 11pm to gamble. i was happy that night because it was my dream. and my dream was allowed, and people fufilled my dream. we gambled into the night and went for breakfast at 530. once i reach home at 7, i never saw light again till i saw someone. like in a fairytale. but the emotions spoil it all. maybe i really irritate. maybe you can never understand.

second day of new year- went cathay and caught protege with a few. not bad but i just find it rather disturbing. because it is a really sorrowful and tragic movie.

everything repeats. like a cycle.
and we're just the ones trapped in it.

technical problems make this entry late.

filled with many thoughts and thoughts that cannot be said. cannot be expressed. and i dont know what to do with them.

past few weeks- i get too lost. crazy from the spin. the constant cycle. i call it the routines. but i was looking forward to this day. that i skipped the routines happilly on thursday with meh. what was happy nowadays. got too numbed that i no longer know my emotions. at least for now im free from the spin. i was looking forward to this day. ironically, looking forward to home's boring.

went from crowds to nature. was at the coast on friday. yj's jogathon. so i went cycling with a couple of friends. i wasnt resisting to cycling. but i just couldnt explain myself that day. i can never find reasons to hate cycling. i love to cycle. but maybe i find myself so weird. so weird to even understand. i was happy again. to be free from routines. as we cycled away. god always does his thing. to a point i get too lost too confused with what i was feeling. blinded from all things. it always happen. too much of coincidences. i almost couldnt believe. and i skipped. many times. too much questions to question but to whom. i saw that shark in the sky. i got too excited. just like a small little kid. i felt an unexplained happiness. too sudden. i caught that image as it flew above my head. after 2 rounds of waiting, i can never see the plane above anymore. maybe it seems like god planned it all. he preferred not to let me taste happiness too much more. or maybe he -




i wanted to cycle till the end. even though i dont know what lay beneath it. but i cycle with immense curiousity almost wanting to discover whatever i could.

it was only me. personal. no one ever entered this world of imagination.
it was few weeks ago

pictured an explorer

I wish people know me and i know people. there are times i wish to be left alone by myself afterall. bad times never end. desperately getting out of this cycle of pain and agony. endless pain. infinite agony. sometimes, i just hope angels descend and sweep me off from earth. there are times i dont wish to be left alone. life's depressing. you could never catch up with me. cos i'm faraway than you are. my thoughts are drifting. my brain's damaged. i never once felt so drained than before. it is amounting to a big disaster. and that one day i am going to break down. break away. life's like shit. get me out of it soon please. i'm just cycling away. drifting. (from time to time we all are blinded)

we were resting along the roads under the trees
the music was playing and the skies were blue 

theres a shark in the sky; a sudden unexplained happiness. 

sometimes, life's better this way. free from routines. 

I replaced my bad thursdays with this. <3

the brain just get confused.

sights;
it always bring me to skies