Thursday, April 28, 2005

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I have nothing to do.

Monday, April 25, 2005

[[ breakdown.. who doesnt? ]]

[[ breakdown.. who doesnt? ]]

Why didnt i bought that musical box earlier.. or else i will have it with me now.. i will feel much better now.. though i am alrite.. phew..

I told myself to be strong.. to be strong.. and be strong.. rememberin pris said to me be strong. be strong now. too many. too many problems..

I was thinking how strong I am.. and i was proven wrong..

I was in my usual mood.. happy and crazy.. I was stuck at the essay during today's lit lesson.. I haven had the time to read the book neither i had any impressions of whar the book was about.. I wrote my dumbest essay.. i dont care..

During econs tutorial.. I was half awake.. but mona chew didnt called me to answer any questions.. shu juan gave me a mint sweet that really keep me awake for the entire day? I began to start going thru the econs tys.. and I realise i couldnt really catch up.. I only got some part right..

And chinese lesson.. I don understand why we have tons of things to do.. compo and compo.. corrections and corrections.. further improvements on the compo.. and summary of chinese paragraphs.. The only thing that really freaked me out is that the whole class did that compos and better compos.. Teacher expect us to hand in and the only one who hasnt hand in is perhaps me.. They are too hiong.. I kept quiet.. really silence when the teacher asked..

I didnt know why. I was quiet. bcos i am in a different place.. a place which doesnt suit me.. I feel awkward.. or rather i feel outta place..

Went for floorball as usual on mondays.. and was released at 7+.. reached home about 8+.. didnt really went straight home.. went to bendemeer mac to study.. I was hungry but my dinner is waiting for me at home.. But i had no choice.. Its quite some distance from my home to the macs so I stayed and study and go home for dinner.. I cannot study at home.. You see why bcos i am here right now..

Around 9+.. hedi came and joined me.. I was studying econs when i have whole lots of tons and junks and hells of homework.. hedi came.. looking so depressed.. she break down soon when i told her you are going to cry soon.. lots of problems.. we heard JJ song.. repeatedly.. She cannot stop her tears.. I was consoling her.. At that moment I thought I am strong..

All the cheer ups.. cool.. relac.. dont think so much.. think positively..

Her life in CJ. She's been thru ups and downs.. her friends and schoolwork cannot stop the tears from flowing..

I am also having a tough life.. and i thought I was strong jus like wad she told herself that she is strong..

We walked slowly home.. sat down at my void deck and once again she couldnt take it.. tears came.. we were talking.. about her downs.. I sent her till her block void deck and I went off..

It was already 11pm.. I went up.. was like ravenous.. tired and hungry.. and my dad told me he thought i had eaten so he cleared the leftovers.. he wanted to cook noodles for me or buy food for me.. but i say no.. high cholestrol you know..but i was hungry and when he asked me i said no..

He went to bathe.. for some moment.. i didnt know why..

I went into the kitchen saw the leftovers still dere.. inside the oven and microwave perhaps he didnt saw that.. so i took out and eat.. it was the plainest dinner.. with rice, veggie and fish.

I didnt gave much thought and took out and eat.. eating thru halfway... i didnt know why.. my tears went down.. I tried to control but i couldnt.. my brother was in the living room and i dont want him to see me..

I wasnt brave. I wasnt strong. In fact.. I am so weak..

I will never forget the taste of my this dinner at 11.30pm.. The plain rice goes with the vegetables and fish.. didnt know why I used to dislike it..

"Chi fan chi dao ku le......... yuan lai wo ye lei le.. bu xing le.."

"吃饭吃到哭了..原来我也累了..不行了.."

My mum came out of her room.. I didnt expect her to be awake.. I immediately wiped away my tears.. stuffing food into my mouth.. looking only at the white and green... She came out ask me where I went..

Didnt know why I jus continue to cry.. She asked me what happened.. I keep shaking my head and staring still at the white and green.. my mother was like a police officer detaining a criminal..

I think I am stressed with my work. I couldnt catch up. She forced me to say until i couldnt take it and told her..

Its so strange.. I am 17 this year and crying in front of my mum.. uselesss i know.. Its probably the last 16 years I never cried in front of her.. I showed my weak side which i feel so utterly stupid..

Its alrite.. she is my mum..

She asked me which subject I couldnt cope.. My eyes in tears.. My mouth with food.. I said its alrite.. nevermind.. now the problem is i am having difficulty with all my subjects..

She asked me want tuition? I said no.

She asked me you might as well go poly.. I shook my head again.. She said study until so stress for what.. go poly la.. go poly better.. like that then how?

Poly adminstration should be closed by now. and i really don want to go poly. I know my route will be tougher ahead..

My mum is really worried.. she was supposed to be sleeping comfortably at this hour.. and supposed to wake up at 5.. yet bcos of me.. I feel so useless..

I called gera.. but I realised I dont feel like speaking at all.. and my dad asked me go and bathe.. I just dont feel like talking..

I couldnt find any good friends here.. I dont care anymore.. so hedi.. jus dont care.. we'll be fine.. even if without any of them.. I wont die..

lifehouse - you and me again..

Tired. I better get some rest now.

I still couldnt stop my tears from flowing after my bath.. until i went to my fridge and took out an yakult.. yakult works best for me.. No one knows this.. whenever i feel unhappy or angry.. after i finish my yakult.. I am done with.. =) really.. and my fridge is full of yakult drinks normally..

And guys.. dont bother consoling me.. I am really alrite now.. Or else I feel so insecure again.. I dont want any comments.. I feel tired about it.. Dont talk to me about this.. really alrite.. I dont want to say thx again.. I bet you people dont wanna say the same thing over again.. so just let me be.. have my way at times.. I will really appreciate this.. If anymore comments would only let me feel weak..

I am going strong.. still going strong..

Saturday, April 23, 2005

[[ That box of memories.. ]]

[[ That box of memories.. ]]

Beginning to hate my blog.. nothing's nice. been wanting to change it but i am just too lazy.. I hate my blog.. honestly seriously.. why is my blog such an unhappy place.. but after i had blogged.. i feel happier.. so people had to tolerate my sadness and begin to console me.. bwahahah.. probably its like " oh my god.. shiping is stressed and crazy once again" to them.. I would love to see comments on my tagboard.. especially more crappier stuff..

I am afraid that my com might hanged anytime so my post will also be gone.. dont know.. unstable computer..

thx paulin and shiqi~ hav to look positive.. stress is only temporary.. why shiqi so relac? no promos ar shiqi? bwaha.

I went town with carmen on this perfect saturday when i am supposed to be at home chionging all those words.. I sticked post pads over my table yesterday night.. saying i am not tired.. i am blah blah.. motivating notes.. and the things to be done.. and i flipped to my maths tutorial and attempt to do question 1 but the lights soon went off in my mind.. and i saw the sunshine the next day..

Ok. whats with town. nothing much.. Its quite a different town-day.. normally we will walk from heeren to cini and cini to taka and wisma and paragon.. walking same here and dere here and dere..

And thanks paulin for introducing me to that toy shop on top of kinokuniya.. I just love that shop.. Me and carmen spent an hour plus in that toy shop alone.. we were solving puzzles.. playing every game dere.. I believe we look thru all the different toys.. interesting toys.. I dont even have that when I was young.. my childhood days was with no toys..

And we saw this musical box.. Its not exactly a box.. Its just a block of wood with paintings on it.. It immediately caught my attention.. I fell in love with this musical box.. and the price is $22.90.. Carmen and I was crazy.. We have that thought of buying it.. two teenagers behaving like two crazy young girls in that shop..

And we were going to get it after i get my pay.. It isnt worth it.. but I really fall in love with this simple musical box.. It isnt a musical box.. Its a block of wood that produces simple music.. smoothing music when you wind it.. Oh my.. Its probably my first time falling in love with something so much.. in the past.. have it and not have it is nothings.. It is special because.. I felt so much more relieved when hear the music.. I have no stress in me.. And the perfect reason is that it is a box of memories.. it just reminds me of something..

I dont care. I will get it. Even though an album of 10 songs is even cheaper than that.. the same song repeating and repeating.. I just like it too much.. wait for me.. will be back with my pay and get it..

Was it worth it? that 22.90 box of memories.

Lifehouse - You and me.. I carnt get it enough.. thanks amy.. thats a really beautiful song..

Went kickboxing on friday.. falling in love with it as well.. Its fierce.. I like it.. Though wanted to relieve stress.. but then my two idiotic friends is making me laugh.. have no stress anymore.. The next kick boxing lesson i have to go alone.. wonder what would it be like..

I feel like flying. out of a sudden I feel like flying. not on aeroplane. not on helicopter. flying out of troubles. flying out of burdens. flying out of reponsibilities.

yeah. just like that.

[[ dont know how.. ]]

[[ dont know how.. ]]

Why carnt the world stop irritate me? I am moody. WHY? BCOS NOTHING GOES SMOOTHLY FOR ME THESE DAYS. I am already looking positively but it just don run things smoothly for me. what the hell when these nonsense ever stop? I am down. down. down.

It all started weeks ago. FOR WEEKS. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

I WANTED TO ASK WHY BUT WHO COULD HAVE THAT ANSWER.

No point listing out all my bad happenings. its over. everyday i prayed for a better day. a smooth day but nothing was smooth at all. I dont know why but i am breaking down..

Some moron send me virus and didnt even feel sorry and didnt even apologised. Anger? Its all in me now.. All the F words are running through my head right now..

I dont understand why but I am unlucky these days.. A series of unfortunate events..

I have been missing my bus for 5 times this term.. Its only barely 3 weeks.. Everytime I reached the bus stop the bus just went.. I wanted to leave the house early but things always happen.. drop my lens and searching over the toilet.. why?

I have been late for school 3 times.. and 2 times took a cab down.. its waste my money.. and its like for the past 4 days I have been ended up somewhere unknown.. When I took the bus home.. I slept and woke up at some unknown area.. Yesterday I woke up and I am at tiong bahru.. the day before bugis area.. I am drained..

Some teacher is trying to make my life like hell.. I have a perfectionist CT.. and who wants everything to be in perfectly.. My GP teacher is nice and I carnt afford to not do my A level project work.. My maths teacher treats me so nice that I couldnt dont do her tutorials.. And if i dont hand in on time.. I will have zero zero and zero for daily work and you get to see me in MI next year.. And my chinese teacher just struck on me that I feels so enlightened. I wanted to do well in MT as well but see.. I didnt do anything.. My literature teachers.. One is boring but nice. The other is giving me hell.. I was caught being late during his lecture 1 week ago.. and was screamed and yelled at.. and told me to sit on the lecture theatre floor where the whole theatre had a good view on me.. He caught me yawning during his tutorial and splashed one bottle of water at me.. My friends was yawning all the way.. I wasnt even sleeping at all.. I didnt sleep.. It was going to be the end of his lesson and it all happens..

blame it on my luck. why does he have to purposely pull me down in front of so many people? I must have owe him in the past.

For my studies.. The starting song of lifehouse can fit in all..

"What day is it..
And in what month..
This clock never seemed so alive..
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down..
I’ve been losing so much time.."

I am optimistic. I told myself if I didnt miss that bus. I would probably involved in a car accident. but how many accidents can i assure myself? and I am just in total bad luck.

I am stressed. I am overworked. I hadnt had a good sleep for long. My eyes are wearing out. I drank 3 cans of coffee everyday. My eyebags are like dictionary that thick. My eye rings are as black as the pandas'. Everyday I woke up thinking how nice if i am sick today. I can skip tt stressful school.

Right now. I am just simply crazy. I am tired. really tired. and if you believe me.. I am in tears.. I carnt take it anymore.. When will heaven pity me? I keep praying and praying but nothing goes right for me.. I dont want to study all day.. I want to play.. have fun but i have got no time.. I am really afraid.. I dont want to go MI..

I hadnt been watching television programmes for months. I dont know the latest serials. Dont ask me anything about tv. I hadnt been flipping thru magazines. I dont know the latest news. I hadnt been hearing to songs. I dont know the latest songs.

Thats my life. How sad how pathetic. Pity me.

I dont know how.

I am just lost.

I might quit all my entertainment. I dont feel like going online anymore. My computer is nuts. I went to my brother's only hoping to have some time to play but virus attack. how lucky i am.

"What day is it..
And in what month..
This clock never seemed so alive..
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down..
I’ve been losing so much time.."

I dont know how.

I am just lost.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

[[ Singapore Supreme Court ]]

[[ Singapore Supreme Court ]]

Was watching the tv jus now.. saw the tsunami documentary report.. and my heart jus go out for those tsunami victims.. The children whom could have a really bright future but were all perished.. the pictures shown are all so cute.. I was thinking what if I am dere as well..

Two days ago.. I was almost dead.. Didnt see the bus coming and it is so near us.. all of us were shocked.. panicked.. even the bus driver was shocked.. Scary..~shivers..

I went to supreme court today with 127..!! haha.. I think its so cool.. To be a laywer is really interesting.. but the stress from it.. I think its real scary..

ITS SO COOL.. I thought i couldnt even step into the courtroom and once i stepped into it.. I was like oh my god.. cool.. We were taken to one small courtroom and the next courtroom we visited is cool.. It is so super high tech.. Though its empty.. we get to sit at the courtroom and I even pledge as a witness.. AHA!

And the tour was quite interesting and until we were allow to go and dere was a case and we can actually go in and watch.. And so we went in.. being totally unaware of whats the case about and whats happening.. we just went in keeping silence and bowing to the judge.. It is really complete silence in the courtroom.. The platiff known as the counsel is actually one of those top and few lawyers around.. He speaks wisely i would say.. able to argue his way around.. Though people might think he is quite mean but thats how a lawyer can shine and be senior lawyers..

The case was actually the case of the 2 maids who murder their owner. And I was really stunned.. are you sure? You mean we are in the high courts? WOW omg thats so amazing.

The lawyer was trying to make sad and angry into depression. It doesnt even fit but he makes it that even the psychiatrist hav to say nth but yes. hais. actually around 3 days ago i was typing this and den my com hanged. but i saved. and den my com was gone for days until my dad got it fixed.

ok. no thoughts right now. these days im thinking about retaining and MI. what the hell.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

[[ Shut up ]]

[[ Shut up ]]

Well the words repeating in my head now is "Fuck fuck fuck"..what the hell..

go away people..

I know people might think whats wrong with this girl again.. why is she so violent.. what the hell..

emotionally down these days.. I always try to look happier but people around me dont give me chance..

I am a class rep. what is a class rep? A class rep is someone who take down your orders and do everything for ya and without being paid. thats a class rep. people can call me and ask heys where is our class now? where are we supposed to hand in the work? and i have to go around asking ehs.. this this this you coming to school today? How come you not coming? I have to know every person's trace. I cannot look away from my class. if one missing and i dont know why. thats it. i get scoldings. I tried to hand in the work as soon as possible. And I did it to like 2am and when i got it done. something always happen.. And the class list i do until i want to die.. only my family hears my moaning bout the thing.. yet when it was photocopied.. It seems like any normal paper.. I did put in lots of effort.. all i ever get for being one class rep is unhappiness and scoldings.

I hate the way some of them talk to me. hello. here i am trying to do sth and u dont show ur appreciation and thats it. u dont hav to give any stupid comments. i don need it. u think its easy to be a class rep. I let u have it. i gave u a simple role u can complain. what about mine. did anyone ever show some sympathy for me. u dont hav to go round sayin how pitiful u can get.

forget it. I try to control not going into fire. but u left me with no choice. if one day i tolerate enough. you shall get it from me. get lost. what the hell. go away. what the fuck u want. I am vulgar here. i am angry. i want to show my anger.

Enough of it. People only get me depressed. I don want to mention anymore.

Everyday i come home with orders and orders. Its hard to get things done. I don understand why is dere so many things to do. I tried to do it and no one appreciates my effort. If they do, they give me comments which is like.. ARGH.. don wan to mention.. ITS NOT EASY to ever be a class rep.. I also dont know why i got tons of work from mona chew.

School ends at mostly 3 which is already considered early. And I reach home its like damn late. And the whole lot of time i am just sleeping on the bus hating to get up. Just want to sleep all the way. And we have that instinct that when its near my stop i will get up but i missed quite a few times. I carnt help. I am too tired. really going overworked.

I think I am going to be sick soon. A flu is coming up plus a sore throat plus backaches.

I think most probably i get retained this year. I carnt catch up on anything. And the people around me are so hiong. I am damn scared. but what to do? I dont have time. I need enough sleep as well. How on earth do i manage my time?

I am tired. really breaking down. Even encouraging words mean nothing. How to get myself out of this fix? and how can i have enough sleep.

I think i am damn stressed. And I just dont feel like studying. SELF DISCIPLINE. I know!! but i jus carnt carry out.

And typing out fiercely.. hitting down the keyboard so hard.. I dont know what to do..

I know everyone around me is stressed as well.

Go away. The moment i stepped into my house. the laughter seems to gone. I seems like a living corpse. The moment i reached home.. I turned stressed..

All the nightmares i get is retaining. retaining and RETAINING. oh god. damn stressed.

Forget it. Dont comment.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

[[ It went down ]]

[[ It went down ]]

A little bit of catch up on what I have been doing lately.. yes we went sakae.. creating a havoc at sakae.. it was fun.. and den got tired when home.. not much to recall.. yeah took great pictures.. Friday didnt do much.. went home.. dad was driving near yishun so he drove me home.. I reached home den went online.. and then went down to play badminton with my dad.. ha its quite fun. I WON!! He purposely jee siao me.. he keep make me run here and dere.. lol.. 15-11! I won. no prize for that. my dad say i could have the shuttlecocks. diao.. so much laughter.. after that i went down to void deck blade for a while.. so long didnt blade.. a week at least.. and life's like that..

And I slept until 12pm on a saturday morning where birds are happilly chatting and weather is just so fun and i jus sleep on.. gera skipped work..naughty naughty and so we went town.. didnt exactly went town.. went ps catch movie.. caught HOUSE OF FURY!! damn nice.. its so cool.. omg.. How nice if i can fight like that.. The 2 siblings fought damn cool.. but den me and my brother was always like chickin fighting.. boo.. and we got one free scratch card.. I first scratch 3 different kind and den we were hoping for that 5 dollars off for popcorn and drinks.. and we got it.. gera was screaming.. well did i scream? ha.. we went to meet family for dinner after that..

I prefer that without maid.. though without maids.. life is a little bit troublesome but we got our own privacy time as a family.. cos no one has time to cook.. so we can hav tons of fun in the car.. And we dont have to worry so much about money placing here and dere tt kind..

Was having a really bad headache for the whole day.. what did i do uh? perhaps sleep too much liao lars.. I slept at 4am and woke up at 9am today.. 5 hours.. I meeting gera for a swim in 10am but the pool was like crowded.. i only managed to sun tann a lot.. ha i love tanned skin.. cheerios.. uMmms and we saw wilfred.. and we 3 play like small children in the pool.. a lot of poking here and dere.. and went to eat with them at the hawker..

I guess its the chlorine makin me sleepy.. omg.. i was intending to do PI.. sighs.. seeing wilfrid wilfrid so hardworking.. well.. better start mugging but it would be perfect if i go and hav a short nap now.. and nap always evolve to sleep...

[[ Nobody's home ]]

Yes. fear not. my house is always empty. even if dere are ppl in it. it feels as if no one in dere.

Yes. that avril lavigne song.. argh.. Im sorry hedi.. I couldnt help u much.. but call me if u need me.. I will always be dere for you.. i carnt help u much.. And somehow I feel sorry for it.. I'pray for everything.. Be strong. face wad you are afraid of. dont cry. dont turn helpess. be brave. be strong. It will soon be over.

I almost cried when hearing you been so upset thru the phone.. Hang in dere.. will ya?

Home. What is home actually. what is it if no one is in dere. I feel very so much like you hedi.. my house is empty.. not an soul in that empty house.. It doesnt take much to make a home.. On the car with my family.. I think its home.. though we reach home everyone has their own activity.. We do need some privacy on our own..

Space out saturday and sunday for family. I guess it works better. have activity when ur family hav sth else on..

I am really tired. What is home anyway? Its not Blk 119 Mcnair road #08-115 S320119. That is our house. Home is somewhere u feel safe and happy with.

Be safe..hedi.. stay happy..

It doesnt need much.. just u can find that heaven in it.. Try talkin to your ah ma how did ur day go.. It is so nice.. My auntie also last time quite lor soh but now i find she is a good friend of mine.. I can talk to her on and on for ages.. complaining about teachers school and everything.. I just find talking to her entertaining.. I spend more time with her than my mum and sometimes my mum also dont know much..

Dont run away from ur house. ur house. once u find ur house happy to go home.. you will naturally find ur heaven.. and everyone will stand together.. thats home..

Hedi.. Just be safe..

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

[[ Leave me alone.. ]]

[[ Leave me alone.. ]]

I dont know why but I am crazy. dont come and bug me now. How should i say. My mood is not very good these days. I am happy in school but when i reached home i became too stressed. too many stuff to do.

I ran 4 rounds around the track after school. Shiqi was sick. I wasnt on fire. I ran with melissa and joanne.

And went to swensons to eat ice cream. the 4 rounds seems like nothing. ICE CREAM!!.. carnt resist and our ice creams were on the house by joanne.. she got her pay and so.. hahaha..

Honestly I think my class rawkz. 127. We were going to SAKAE SUSHI BUFFET TMR. even the guys are so super on. cheers to 127. I have so much laughter with them at the canteen during breaks and in class. We were really quite united. Hey c'mon.. we only know each other for like a week?

We have a lot of girls in our class and we were hanging in one whole bunch. they are all very cool and we can laugh all the way.. I am currently adapting to speaking english.. They all speak english..

Everyone got their the other side.

Their dark side.

AND YES. SUPREME COURT GRANTED OUR PERMISSION. They were like making an exception. I really look forward to it. omg. bwaha.

And I have to do stuff. My brother told me. You are the first class rep that i have seen that is so busy. thanks.

So leave me alone. I am typing this in a very calm mood.

[[ Court Dismissed ]]

[[ Court Dismissed ]]

I aspire to be a lawyer.. to turn black into white.. to turn white into black.. to make onlookers stunned.. to make them take their hat off for me.. to make them surprised.. to make them respect me.
.
Just like the books I have always read.. admiring how well the lawyer turn the table round.. I was truly impressed..

And I didnt know at that point of time I am already so into the idea so into the dream of being one.. Perhaps thats my ambition but another part of me want to be involved in the business world.. whatever it is.. Its my dream..

Lawyers. How about Judges? to be able to shout across the courtroom " Court adjourned ".

Thinking of those ideas make me really thrilled.

And currently I am fantasizing over the idea that we are going to visit the SINGAPORE SUPREME COURT....

For our class outing.. this is wad we planned.. we stayed back after school and with miss chew.. many ideas roamed past.. the crocodile farm.. changi prison.. east coast park.. and so on.. miss chew was keen on little india and chinatown and ideas like museum, fly kite, bishan park etc. you know.. duhs..

I can take that hammer and whack. " SILENCE!!" and those people would say " your honour, blah blah.. "

Its damn cool. I hope they grant us permission to visit. I really want to go!!.

" I hereby declared the accused guilty of trespassing the singapore supreme court. As for her accomplices, they are acquitted. The accused shall be sentenced to a day of visit to the singapore supreme court."

Court dismissed.

[[ The courtroom ]]

"COURT!!"

The onlookers as well as the lawyers, accused and witness bowed to the judge and took their sit.

The accused kept silent. The witness tried to look pleasant. The defendant was in fury.

"On 05/04/2005, Around 8pm. Where were you?" The lawyer started off facing the accused.

The accused with her head bowed down answered immediately " bathing in my mother's toilet."

"And why would you do that at this hour, 8pm?"

"Your honour, my client reached home late and sh.."

"YOUR HONOUR, THE OPPOSITION SHOWS NO RIGHT TO SPEAK."

"SILENCE!! You may contine"

Facing to the defendant, " What makes you take the accused to court? "

The defendant shouted at the accused " The accused deprived me of my bathing time AND I TOLD THE ACCUSED MANY TIMES NOT TO DO THAT AND AND AND AND AND SHE DID IT. "

" Defendant. Calm your emotions or you will be taken of disrupting the lawsuit"

The witness was looking both sympathetic and helpess at the same time. The witness was taken to make an oath that she will speak the truth.

"Witness, what was the accused doing once she reaches home?"

"She went to switch on her computer"

"Did she went to bathe immediately?"

"No. She took her towel and wander around in the house slacking"

"Your honor, the story was like this.. The accused was dragging her time till the defendant went home and while the accused was bathing, the defendant couldnt bathe so the accused deprived the defendant her bathing time which is unforgivable"

The jury nodded her head and scribble notes onto her book.

"Witness, is there anymore you want to include?"

"The accused told me that she was late for school and took a cab to school."

"YES. SHE WAS LATE. BECAUSE SHE COULDNT WAKE UP. SHE HAS NO RESPONSIB..."

Slamming the so called hammer on the table. "SILENCE!!.. defendant, you are not asked to speak so please keep silence"

The accused was damn pissed from her face. She was repeating something like " F*** " throughout.

"The accused, whats more that you'll like to say?"

" WHAT THE HELL. I DIDNT SAY I WAS LATE. I SAY I WAS ALMOST LATE. DIDNT YOU HEAR THAT ALMOST LATE? I TOOK A CAB BECAUSE THE BUS WOULDNT COME NOT BECAUSE I DIDNT WAKE UP IN TIME YOU MORON. BLOODY HELL........."

" AND YOU WERE LATE. CANT U WAKE UP EARLIER? YOU HAVE NO RESPO.."

Shouting from one corner to the other. The Jury finally warned them. silence returned. peace prevailed.

"Silence. I have reached a verdict. The accused is guilty of deprived the defendant of her bathing time. so I announce the accused guilty. The accused will have to let the defendant her bathing time. Court dismissed. "

The accused is me.

The Jury is my mother.
The defendant is also my mother.

That witness is my aunt.

And..

And..

And..

The onlooker is my brother.

Yes. I am damn pissed jus now.

[[ have no courage.. ]]

Quote : I dont have shakespeare's talent. I have no courage. I am useless.

I have no courage. I wanted to join the council but i hesitate. And I make up of excuses and in fact. I have no courage. I dont dare to. I am useless.

I am damn stressed. My hair had turned white. My eye rings were black. My face is pale. My lips are white. My wrinkles were all over. My pimples are showing. Thats the sign.

[[ Stuck.. crossroads once again ]]

I'm stuck. I really spend a lot money on my parents. I got a new line. Free incomin calls!! can call me now. Bwahha. okies.

My literature books were really very expensive. My school uniform and the costs at school. I had been paying the class funds, the photocopies stuff and it really is very costly.

And we could go to china. omg. that idea thrills me again. 500+ but it is really worth it. I dont know how. but i really hope i can go. omg. for 3 weeks u know. isnt it cool?
I guess I better dream. I dont even dare to ask for more money from dem. I know they are working very hard for money. sighs.

And if i get my pay, Should i buy the books using these money? I dont want to. Its my hard earned money. I want to get the stuff I want.sighs.. what am i supposed to do?

[[ The threatening call ]]

Someone called. threaten us. I got freaked out.

When i said wrong number.. He was so fierce and he scolded vulgarities.. And he called me to get my husband, father or any boys in my house.. He was damn fierce..
And I passed over to my brother.. panicking and then he answered and scolded back and then hung up.

I would never forget this day. At such late hour.. I immediately went to called my mum and she woke up shocked. The man called back again. and she answered and so fierce. until he asked for me dad. And my mum passed over to my dad.

My dad was scolding and swearing. simply bcos the man was so scary. so daunting. I really got freaked out. And the man called my dad to come down the house now.

My father got so rash that he say he come down.. And lucky our whole family stopped him.. That man was like lunatic. asking for people at this hour? And he is so agitated. Who knows what he might do. In the we called the police.

I guess it is my maid. She got us in this fix. Though my mum couldnt take it and send her back but she left all this mess to us. We guess she cheated this guy money. and which is why she is so filthy rich nowadays.

I dont know. but this is really scary. I panicked.

[[ Better take a cab than never late ]]

Yes. I waited for that 857 for like 20 mins? It didnt come on time and it was really very late. I thought I was the only one going to be late. I board the bus like 7.20? Confirm I am late.

So I thought it was ok when i see ronald at the bendemeer bus stop. thinking happilly, HAHA. ah pek also late. so happilly i sat in that really crowded bus. It was really crowded unlike other days. THE BUS IS LATE!!

But ronald didnt board. And the next bus stop i saw rebecca and yuen shein. They didnt board too. uh? So i called rebecca and they said they were taking a cab. oh cool. so i joined in. Yong nan went school early so left the 4 of us. Jus nice.

I quickly alight at the bus stop after that and waited for them to pass by.

1 cab. 2 cab. I didnt see them.

So i waited patiently and I saw this mercedes cab coming towards me. OMg. they actually board this mercs cab? but we happilly chit chat on the cab crapping. It was damn freakilly funny and fun.

We made a grand arrival at yishun junior college where we told the uncle drive in.

and we were actually quite early. we were thinking if the music played and we arrived, the foyer would be crammed and it would be like damn funny.

oh my gosh. really had enough laughter this morning.

And then during chinese lesson. I slept for like half an hour. The teacher wake me up and I went back to sleep. He asked me why am i so tired? I am tired but ur lessons really bore me.

And I was a good girl.. I went for maths somesort make up tutorial with out relief maths teacher. He is like 4 years older than us but he is like our kind. can jee siao him. He is really nice because he is only a relief but he went to give us lessons to around 4+ when he can leave at 1230.

I went to the library intending to do econs but I read a few pages and It got me sleepy.. so i do maths and I met ronald. I wanted to ask him to go home together. He finishes his lesson at 630.. and I could study till 630. in the end I couldnt take it. I went home early. too tired.

It was quite strange at the library. This guy wanted to borrow the photocopy card so i lend him. His friends ask him to pay me and in the end they snatched his wallet and gave me a dollar. a few piece for one dollar? I say its ok. but they told me to keep. When i left the library, I returned the money to him. It was quite funny.

And I met my chinese teacher outside the library and we walked out of school. How i told him chinese is so sian and so on. He asked me what do i find interesting and i told him his jokes are cold. He was quite nice. but too bad. the moment i see chinese characters. I can sleep. He asked me how come i can still get A2. ha.

I love tuesdays. I only have GP and chinese. And I can go At 130. And the day is very relaxed.

Happy tuedays.

Monday, April 04, 2005

[[ Overworked.. Too stressed.. ]]

[[ Life's different. ]]

My blog for today is gonna be fierce. I am too stressed. I am simply exploding..

My maid went back yesterday. I was doin that stupid bloody chinese compre until 2am and before that was re writing the list and arrangin the class posts..

I reached home around evening time yesterday. The only thing i heard in the whole house was silence. Guess everything changes.

My parents were rushed off to pack my maid stuff and shoved us off to dere as well. Nobody touched the dinner. And we settled everything and settle in a hawker centre for our dinner at 930.

I scanned ard at the maid agency. somehow this time I didnt cry bcos I didnt even see her. I never thought in the noon when she opened the house door.. that will be last time I ever see her..

There wasnt silence like the other time sending my previous maid off. we were still singing songs and laughing in the car. I just love the times in the car. I feel so comfortable. So happy. so simple.

And today. everything was different. Indeed, we never had been left alone without maids in our lives. Everything was still fine. We were really the precious ones of my parents. me and my brother. My dad woke us up instead of my maid. My mum prepare the breakfast instead of my maid. My mum doublechecked if we were up so she called home. we were the last ones leaving the house into silence.

We packed our stuff the night before by the usherings of my mum. My dad didnt even allow me to sleep another more second. He use a wet towel and splash it on my face =). My brother was like one pig. He doesnt even recall our papa doing that. I woke my brother up. I sandwiched the ham and cheese into his bread and mine. I poured the tea. I took out my own medicine and eat. My brother locked the door.

We used like 4 alarm clocks in the house but I didnt heard any single alarm other than that wet towel. clever dad. And my mum filled our waterbottles. everything was done.

We were really like princess and prince to our dearest parents.

And everything seems different now. I have to take charge of my own things. I have to be responsible.

I was changing the sheets for my rabbits jus now. It really stinks omg. How did my maid do that? In the end I still conquer the smell. I console myself that the cigarette smell is worst than that. In fact It is.

Our house is really in a totally bad condition. It is so messy.

No matter how life is different. We are still the same.

[[ Overworked.. Too stressed.. ]]

Today didnt really turn out well for me but luckilly i am not a really pessimist. If not I would have straight away commit suicide.

I bonded with this class so much today. I am always with them. And really one thing our girls are so united that only a few didnt join us.. but we were a group.. It is one lucky and worth being happy thing..

We were supposed to hand in the econs file so I went to find miss chew.. but i couldnt find her for the whole day.. I have lessons from 1-5pm and 5pm-7pm I've got floorball so in the end.. I took different breaktime to went to find her. I have to hand in the attendance list as well. so from 1-7pm.. I simply couldnt find her..so after floorball I went to her staffroom and put it on the desk with the presence of one teacher.

And I called her tell her.. got scolded.. I shouldnt have placed the files in the staff room.. I should give her personally..

It really got me MAD MAD MAd because I went to do all these stuff and was not appreciated at all.. It was like the feeling of being accused.. All i ever wanted is to pass up the things and I never knew this kinda of stuff would happen.. And I forgot to bring my phone so I couldnt even contact her..

Miss chew, KILL ME!!

And she told me about some stuff and I have to hand in like proposal to her? and tmr? oh goodness gracious.. KIll me better.

I am like damn stressed. I have tons of things to do. Tmr have chinese spelling.. what the hell and might as well kill me now..

Its damn hard to accomodate to everyone's wishes. They can simply tell me they dont like who with who or they want who to be with.. and I have to remake everything over again..

And I dont understand why I have to do other stuff as well.. might as well dont appoint other reps or wad..

She is nice but she is driving me nuts honestly.

GOD! KILL ME.

I was on the bus wondering if I went to commit suicide right now. and peeps readin my blog. dont worry. will it be better? I dont care bout others but now I found that my life is empty.

so empty that I feel like dying.

I am tired. really tired. breaking down soon. stressed out totally.

And everyone is coming to me asking for directions in school, stuff and so on. My bill is really gonna explode.

KILL ME (=

Yes I am overworked.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

[[ 89757 ]]

[[ 89757 ]]

Guess what?

I am damn happy right now. I bought the JJ newest album!! OMG.. AHhahahaha.. damn lame.. I carnt stop listening to his cd.. JJ and Jay chou nvr fails to disappoint me.. AHa YEAH!! A worth it album. I give it THUMBS UP!!

And in the end we changed plans again. Suddenly I dont feel like going ecp to blade. perhaps somethin dumb stuck me. and we went to town. I am missing town but once i step into town it was like hell sian..

We were like typical girls eyeing on our "night scenery".. And I realise good looking guys are just for looking.. They just simply sucks.. I hadnt meet my perfect prince yet..

I think my maid is quite pitiful.. She is going back home tmr. Though I couldnt stand her at times but i still miss her.. I just dont like to change maids.. my mum is not getting anymore.. we have to grow up and be responsible..

I guess how great the impact would be on me? I had maid eversince I am born.. and up to now.. everyone was like wow.. so rich.. It wasnt really that idea.. but maids are my friends.. I didnt really get close with this one though.. but the thought of she is leaving might make me in tears..

I have to get out of the house tmr. no matter wad or not my mum would drag me to the maid agency. And the sight of her leaving would probably me cry.. for how many times in my years.. I have to endure and went home locked myself up and cry.. I dont like to be seen in tears.. And I dont like to do that.. And forever on the car home.. I have to really control my tears..

Its like that. people walk in and out of ur life.

I am still listening to JJ album.. Its really very nice.. I think its rather cheap.. I bought it for 14 dollars at HMV.. and being so happy..

And I reached home really on 1030 the time i promised my mum and hedi is san que yi for her dai dee.. so i went down to the playground and play with her friends.. and what the hell.. her fren told me he bought it for 12 dollars.. =) so nice. And we were crapping at the playground.. Haahaha.. Its quite entertaining and i also dont feel like going home as well..

And I reached home at 12am.. my mum didnt say much and i am still online.. gEe hEe..

Actually I was still thinking..

Gera made a deal with me. In Heeren, dere is a shop which had this little fountain or rather some pool of water as decoration..

She gives me 50 dollars if i wash my legs dere.. I was hestitating for quite some time.. And precisely its like its a saturday.. and the people were in crowds.. And it turned out we were laughing in the shop..talking crap and so on.. And I still didnt go for it..

I went home thinking. Its like worth it. I will be like 2 steps more to my that billabong bag.. But sadly gera said the deal is off..

If you happens to read my blog, will u do it? Aha.. gera.. I want tt 50 bucks of urs. AHhaha. can u raise up to 75? Then I will do it.. Bwahhaa.

I felt useless in a way or another. not this matter but other stuff.. And the meaning of my life is gone..I dont have any talent.. Sighs.. I am really useless.. I dont find a good thing about me though..

Gosh I hafto sleep. I need my sleep. And I better put cucumber on my face and tt 5 years old eye bag and eye rings..

Hav to catch up on many things tmr.

89757. I am simply. down lately.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

[[ feel so different now ]]

[[ feel so different now ]]

Its been a really long time. long time to wad? I dont know but i think its a good starting. ha what the hell.

Suddenly i recalled this phrase

等待你是我持续心跳的唯一理由

It sounds familiar. Its the phrase in waiting for you MTV.. Its like been ages since i hear the song.. yeps.. hopefully i reminded gera about Kbox bahs..

Basically its still empty within the soul.. I dont know why but i just felt plain empty.. No purpose in life..

I was wondering how many people actually read my blog.. What was their impression of me.. I really wonder..

I am getting really really out of touch with people.. Good friends, friends, classmates, family and everything.. Family not so much. I just gave my mum a big hug yesterday.. hahaha.. and it feels so great..

I was at home. doing wad? Looking after my maid cos she seems to be doing funny things.. And my brother is also at home.. but the main problem is.. that my mum asks us to be looking at her.. but we were looking at the computer.. so engrossed in looking at the computer that we forgotten bout our mission..

I think I just leave later on to go down to the library.. I really miss that old old national library so much.. My o's days.. and toa payoh one too.. I jus pop by at toa payoh one later on.. I have to help hedi to return her books as well..

Yes yesterday.. I went with paulin shiqi and kenneth to watch the eye 10.. Its like damn dumb.. They werent at least a little bit afraid.. they say the show was lame and funny.. Yet I felt so dumb.. hidding behind my file till paulin took away my file.. In the end i use my hands cover my eyes and listening to my mp3..

I dont know why but i really dont like watchin horror movies but I dont wanna go home.. Its like only 3pm.. And I was wanna hanged out.. and hopefully gera u understand.. Besides i couldnt be out today.. but since my brother is at home..

And den changed plans already.. going to Ecp with carmen, siying, qi wei and shiao loong.. goin to rollerbalde? still scared of those slopes.. alemak.. Where did my study plan gone to.. alemak..

I didnt went school today cos i thought i might be going out but gera arent u working as well.. And my class the girls went.. I really am getting out of touch with dem..

I dont know but i just dont want to know dem very well.. ha what could happen to me? I used to love making friends.. but now i guess i really detest it..

I dont know why but i feel so empty this while.. Its like i have no aim no goals.. I am so empty. yes.

I miss everyone. Bendemeer days. 2e2 days. 4e3 days. chinese class days. badminton days. kajiao-ing teachers days. asking for help days. basketball days. studyin days. going out days. macdonald days. outing days. laughing days. teacher day. chinese new year days. rainy days. sunny days. night study days. school days. mdm kaur days. mrs lo days. miss lim days. miss ngoh days. mr leong days. mr ng days. mr kwok days. mr netti days. mrs tan days. mrs leong days. miss ang days. BJJ days. be yourself days. floorball days. floor hockey days. camp days. childish days. Pe days. 2.4km days. happy days. sad days.

It all starts and concludes in bendemeer. I really like it so much until i dont know why. I feel so used to dere. We know each other in school. No strangers. Same bunch of friends to hang out. I guess bendemeer taught us well. I used to think tell people i am from bendemeer. throw face only but now i think proudly of being a bendemeerian.

I felt so different now.