[[ Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives ]]

[[ Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives ]]

Estha wasnt here. Rahel was all alone. Rahel was going with Ammu to see Mamachi. Estha walked around Ayenemem. Rahel was close to tears. She had been fighting. Estha - Esthappen was away and it does not make any difference if he had been here. People shun Rahel and associate her with awkward and weird. Rahel was used to that kind of silence yet things kept running through her mind.

[[ Floorball Interhouse ]]

I experienced complete defeat. or rather. Failure.

Was close to a dumb for that few moments. Our morale had gone low yet i kept telling them.. dont show ur tiredness.. and they were all solemn.. i simply cannot be.. i told them dont be so discouraged.. hang on people.. do the best u can.. etc etc.. and yet i was the one in complete silence when the game ended.

Failure. I failed terribly.

Everything was down recently. I dont know why but it was down down down..

I felt like quitting floorball at that rash moment.. I am so useless and cant even scored a goal.. and i was a floorballer.. non floorballers are playing even so much better than me.. and make me felt so much like a failure..

Its really demoralising and everyone was telling me.. you learn thru experiences and you practise harder sure can make it one.. yes i know that.. but at the moment that you lost.. its hard to think of brighter side..

in the end i watched my friends play while i kept silent.. some of the people came to be.. and tell me to brighten up..

winning is not everything but losing is really everything.. i dont like the feeling of losing.. nobody likes anyway..

and then out of some moments with me and my thoughts.. while the hall is filled with cheerings and noise and shoutings.. my mind is shut down with my own thoughts.. I cant hear anything..

It was really down down down.. I examined my failure.. I still couldnt believe it.. till now i still think of how i won.. the pictures.. images going thru my mind.. my defeat.. It might mean nothing to some out there but it truly hurts.. I played floorball before and it is really hurting..

i conceded. Its the end of it. Finally. Over.

Dad, today i am upset. i lost the match. did you know? you walked around the house as if im dead.. as if youre dead.. we're all dead.. how much pain u experience now.. i had it too..

Paulin, Melissa, WeiJun, Jerry and 2 other guys forgot their names.. we went to eat togther at northpt foodcourt.. was tired enough.. kept almost totally silence at times... I resemble Rahel and Estha.. similarly in someway.. literally illusion.. shiping is using it here as well.. nevermind if you guys don understand.. dont have to understand..

Didnt want to go home.. Nobody cares so why? I realise that my tagboard isnt working.. doesnt matter.. people nowadays either tag craps or don tag. so dont have to worry about it..

People i am utterly disappointed in are utterly disappointed in me too.. The disappointment of them in me make me kept almost silence and then i made them upset too. I dont care much too. They had eyes yet they couldnt see. They have ears yet they couldnt hear. They have sense of touch yet they cannot sense it as well. I dont ask much. Thats why i dont ask for their understanding and their presence as well. And they talked to me when they feel like it. What about me? If I dont feel like it.. I still answer them.. so i dont care anymore. The only perhaps most reasonable reason of the disappointment is that i thought we were good friends. Yet forever like usual.. the feeling isnt dere..

Rahel and Estha. They both exist in me. Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives.

My paradise.. I guess I feel like it when there is no more feeling in me..

I went to visit my grandma.. felt sorry for her.. was behaving like Rahel and Estha. not really that I Dont Care attitude.. but just that not much feeling.. I hadnt had much time with my grandma.. we were quite strangely not linked.. Its already impossible to communicate as i cannot understand dialect languages..

That visit to the cold unfeeling hospital. I dont want to grow old. It feels so much terrible now.. I cant imagine myself to grow old.. I will turn to a naggy and lonely freak.. It doesnt matter much with the looks.. old people look like that anyways.. Its jus that the normal reaction will make me nag and yag and all my descendants (if there is any) or relatives shun away from me.. I will be lonely.. far more worse off than being dead.. and i jus hope she will recover soon.. unattached to..

Like Estha who walked all over Ayenemem..

A little journey of mine.. I walked past 11 condos, 17 lightbulb shops, 3 hotels, a number of coffee shops, some buildings and a hospital.

That day i visited two hospitals.

I alighted off at novena as usual.. while waiting for 21 to go home.. I started my walkings.. I probably would look like some retards, idiots and freaks and if people started reading it.. I couldnt imagine what would be their impression of me..

well.. I Cannot Be Bothered..

That day was really down. Just so much things on my mind. I dont feel like going home. A sadistic place. A disturbed place. A tearful place. Only in my room.. It would be like heaven.. peacefully.. just like paradise..

I wanted to walk home from novena which would really take a long time.. after that defeat.. my legs were aching.. yet i am still walking home.. and then i dreaded home.. so i walked alone..

I went into ttsh. The signboard which pointed Tan Tock Seng Hospital A&E Emergency really attracted me to it. I walked up the slope.. aching each step i took.. though it is a little heavy for my legs.. but i continued.. each step i took.. I am conquering the aching.. the pain in my heart.. the sadness that filled my eyes.. the bravery of taking each step.. the courage of walking alone.. the determination to walk further..

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel. That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine. I’m torn.

I walked past some condos.. and then slopes and slopes and then the carpark and i saw the emergency.. Wanted go in and take a look in the main hall of A&E.. but i realised it was too crowded and this moment.. I dont like crowds now.. just for now.. I dont like strange looking eyes on me..

I sat at the bench and waited.. something like wanting to see an ambulance sending a patient in.. but there isnt any so i left.. I walked along some desolate corridors and i saw a little back garden.. and then there was nobody so i went in.. and it was really desolate.. Somehow i felt afraid.. there was a shadow somehow.. so i went out reminding myself to stay clear..

And then i walked out of buildings and buildings and then went past a Ministry of Home Affairs building - New Phoenix Park..The police outside the buildings were quite numerous so somehow it make me curious.. looking from the outside.. it stands grandly and it is really quite big.. and seems grand.. so it make me curious.. What Would Be Inside?

And then i came across some deserted place where i saw 3 blangadesh.. I looked up and saw the signboard.. XXX Banga XXX cant remember the exact road name..

And I ended somewhere walking aimlessly at toapayoh.. near there and i walked home.. and past a whole chain of shophouses.. and counted the lightshops.. the other side of the roads were lightshops as well but i didnt count that.. There was almost 17 and more lightshops.. bright enough to guide me as i walk alone..

I walked from sunset to sky turns dark.

All the while.. in my mp3.. it was playing Noboby's home.

It wasnt a bad idea to walk like that.. My journey ends around more than an hour when the dark sky is up.. when i could reach home in 10 mins.. I dont know wad was happening to me..

And I felt better after the walk. Perhaps Estha did felt the same.

[[ failure ]]

no more. no more laughter.

i don understand how it would become this stage. i don understand why. wads the sudden change.

everyone is telling me.. its alrite.. its ok.. but i dont know why.. it will never heal..

for i inherited his stubborness. just like him.

perfect, dad. thats really perfect.

and who is he? who am i? who are we?

I cannot stop thinking..

why would it end up to be so strain now..

I tried but i was ignored. i was answered some lame questions with silence. whats more to say?

what happen out dere?

It had never happen to me in these 16 years of life..

everyone tellin me its ok.. it will be ok soon but i know it wont.. i tried to but he isnt bothered.

And i got him.

I will nvr speak to him ever.

do you know how he used to wake me up? this might be a lil childish.. he would purposely come and tickle me or splash water or help me massage.. He would spend 10 mins playing with me getting me up..

and now do you know the difference?

he cant be bothered. and he.. and he called my phone thru the house phone without even entering my room.. my phone sleeps with me.. and today i left my phone in the living room to recharge and he jus slide the house phone into my room and called thru his handphone.. the ringing is continuous.. so i would wake up..

do you know how much how much it hurts me.. how much he breaks my heart?

He might be behaving childishly.. but thats not the whole point.. he doesnt even want to speak to me.. and he carnt be bothered with me..

and now i refer him to my mother's husband.

who is him anyway? sometimes it make me wanna get up without him calling me up.. i hate it.. so i asked my mum to wake me up but i always go back to slp. that rainy day he fetch me to school under the instructions of my mum to send me and my brother to school. the journey to yishun he doesnt even talk to me..

and nowadays i set alarm with no use at all.. i set 3 alarms.. my alarm clock.. my handphone which is all beside my bed only and in the end my mother woke up and can come to my room which is like 2 rooms away to off it.. its only beside me!!

perhaps for the 16 years.. i had been used to human alarm clock..

Perfect.. for you stranger in my house..

he doesnt love me already..

What a failure i am.. forever staying so happy in school.. now im tearing..

I GOT NO FRIENDS.

I REALISED I DON HAVE ANY.

those superficial frens i dont want. my own close frens doesnt even called back. and no one even really bother. when i said they bother. why cant they come and bother in the first place? if i dont say you people never know.. and its the same reason as when u need me i am here..

go away people.

i cannot take it alr.

i can wake up as early as whenever if u need me.. when i need you people.. why is dere so many reasons?














































































im a failure for 16 years.

can you imagine?

don come and talk to me.



jus go away.

[[ michael phelps ]]

Michael phelps.. go mike! I wanna be like ya.. strong!

Its been a reaally long time since i blog.. i was feeling ok all the while.. and today sth wasnt right and the first i thought of was blogging.. I blog all my unhappiness down here.. so dont keep thinking i am forever sad..

Michael phelps had been my idol since dunoe when.. he is a great swimmer and he is only 19 and he had achieved 4 gold medals and 2 bronze for olympics.. i used to dream of becoming a singapore swimmer so i can meet mike in olympics.. somehow he really motivate me at times..

ok was quite pissed with my class right now so i put this nick in my msn " 127 pls hand in ur bloody file and ur photo for obs if you haven. "

and den suddenly everyone seemed concerned and things changed!

My class began to work on everything very fast.. and many of dem came and talk to me.. am grateful to all of you out dere!!

I wanted to rattle about one whole shit about my class.. practically i am a bao ka liao class rep.. forget it..

oh yes hedi called me and we are damn on.. so we went down to play badminton at the badminton court.. and den i don remember me being so agitated.. all i did was laughing all the way.. i am destressed! not really stressed in the first place but jus disturbed about the people i must chase like shit for jus one piece of paper or wadever..

Ok i guess i got my retribution for not handing up my 2 lit essays, 1 econs essay, tutorials 0-5 and blah blah..

but i started to do my tutorial 6 and 7 already.. aint i supposed to be proud of myself? and i aimed to clear all my homework at present and let the debts be cleared after the hols.. and i realised i couldnt finish my lit essays bcos i had not read the book! so i jus hold it aside and it is debts now..

and the tons and tons and tons of homework is really stressing me.. and i realised the aim of today's work today do (translated) is impossible.. too many hw at once.. im collapsing.. yet im still up with my smile.. trying to be strong you see.. im not weak too.. im jus trying my very best to do homework now..

oh yes somthing unpleasant happened to my brother so he gets into kinda bad and irritated mood.. and today he forgot bout his keys and no one was at home and i don feel like going home.. so i jus msged over.. hey i will be at boon keng mac.. if u need the house keys come and find me.. and he replied me wtf kay. and wad is this? hey you forgot ur keys and im jus on ur way home to get the keys to go home and you give me this kind of shit attitude? what is this man? i know he is pretty down.. but aint i? I was feeling really low at tt period of time.. but i controlled.. wanted to msg back and scold back but thats so childish of me.. and waste sms and besides whats the whole point?

and probably this is my first time using my big brains to think before i act.. hahha!

oh yes i was feeling so much better after that hour playing badminton with hedi.. hahha it was kinda fun and we couldnt stop laughing.. and she was behaving like a bimbo! ooh.. hahha and im out from mental hospital.. hahha.. oh yes thx hedi.. though u didnt know wad happen to me but u jus cheered me up.. thx pal.. thx 96..

and wheni returned home.. miracles man.. things got into order.. my class peeps got very concerned.. not exactly with me but with their work.. probably my nick.. *winks! but i wasnt on purpose out to complain.. im jus trying to remind and it jus so happen that the bloody is a descriptive word for files.. and i happen to use it..

so im so much better now.. oh yes its rather scary to reach home seeing 8 msn conversations calling me..

It is rather different.. between the sms you recieved or the msn conversations popping up or even taggers at my blog... and the reality..

sometimes after school.. I jus stared blankly into the space.. no one.. and i realised how lonely i am.. its good to be alone.. and especially when doing ur work.. but i carnt help to think.. today after school i didnt really went to do my work.. instead i linger around hoping i can play floorball but its seletar house so i didnt dare to ask to play.. besides i didnt know anyone except melissa dere.. and all the seletar-cians.. so i stared again..

i feel rather awkward somehow and so i went to the canteen.. bought a cup of ribena and settle down in the canteen.. the canteen was closed.. no one was dere completely.. occasionally.. basketballers, soccer players etc will come to refill their waterbottles.. I thought of studying but den i didnt.. i realised sometimes u need some moments to reflect and think.. and this is my reflection.. i realised how desolate i felt..

sipping into that ribena.. i wasnt tt thirsty after all.. and den i ponder over many things.. think camly.. There were emptiness in my eyes.. dont know where i belong.. where i am.. who i am.. suddenly everything turns out blank.. until melissa and weijun came to join and left the college together..

Yes i felt empty.

And no matter how many taggers telling me i shouldnt feel it this way and tt way and the many people who would tell me.. im always here if you need me..

yet whenever whenever.. i felt like this way.. alone.. empty.. i don need anyone.. and its hard to tell people.. hey im feeling down today.. and even i did.. some didnt bother to listen.. so i rather don need anyone.. so save ur tags.. taggers..

Somehow i like this kind of emptiness..

It doesnt matter anymore..

And coming here to blog whenever unhappy isnt really a great idea.. I heard voices screaming and shouting in my head yet i cannot do anything.. and this would be when this gets really addictive..

and my house, canberra.. how responsible they can get.. for asking me to be a floorball representatives and den leave me with no contacts and me having to urge that person.. and asking her to call back.. and she didnt.. in case people gets irritated.. i decided not to bother or take any action.. so lucks for floorball on saturday interhouse.. canberra :) and when other houses met and have some mini little trainings.. whois in floorball whois not.. i have absolutely no idea.. and let me tell you how responsible are they.. about how they told us to come for training for 2 times and i had never seen a person in charge being there before.. and the second time they promised and confirm that they are dere and i was the only one who turned up.. how organised and reponsible.. i didnt want to care so much but i thought i need to be responsible.. but since the people are showing me the heck care attitude.. oh well i can follow suit.. yet some can see how hard they tried to orgainise things.. continue peeps.. oh yes canberra i don feel like coming on saturday already.. all thx to you.. best house man ever! and lucks for that championship.

I'm complaining.

white! 

Its black! its white! 

Black! 

[[ Bendemeer Fun Fair.. ]]

[[ Bendemeer Fun Fair.. ]]

I went to blog yesterday and it was like... i blog halfway and the com crashed on me! I should be sleeping and im dere blogging and the com actually did such a thing to me..

And i simply don understand why my brother need to use 2 computers!! argh.. and 2 computers to run the stupid dumb shit computer game of his.. and when he use my computer to run his stupid dumb shit computer game.. i carnt use computer.. and yesterday was me trying to attempt to use and the computer crashed when im typing a super duper long entry.. and It was like dunoe wad time in the midnight.. i am tired enough.. wanted to slp but blogging and end up? ALEMAK..

and i told him.. argh argh argh.. complain so much in front of him.. the computer is running too many programmes already! and guess wad he said.. AHh you should have learnt a lesson.. next time u blog.. u should use wordpad or notepad instead of the blogger web bcos there is always too much problems with web..

and guess wad he is doing jus now.. I happilly settle myself on his com since he using my com and den closed his games and started happilly to blog.. and den he tell me he want to use.. why why must he use 2 com? i jus don get it.. argh and he began to jee siao me.. den sa jiao! but to no avail.. =P.. and i chase him away.. hahha..

[[ Bendemeer Fun Fair.. ]]

Was saying about the fun fair yesterday.. I just love it.. And how much i actually missed bendemeer..

" Bendemeer Live Forever MoReeEee.. "

The whole school was high yesterday.. The music was loud and nice songs playing on.. Our principal got dunked.. threw by our discipline master.. wHeee.. wHooo.. and everytime he missed the whole crowd will jeer happilly and once he hit on.. the whole school was cheering all the way.. how much how much cool and laughter it was.. during YJ's fun fair.. dere is also dunk machine and our vp got dunked however.. not that kind of feeling..

oh yes! and my ex-crushes were all present.. HAHHA.. okies..

and dere is this kinda attractive gladiator stall that manage to make us stayed for quite some time.. Jeremy and wilfred were the first pair to go up to this inflated thing and was given a helmet and stick.. and whoever who get whoever down will win.. second pair was alex and ann kiat.. third was tobby and weichen.. and we were laughing like mad dere.. it was really funny.. hahha! and the winner is obviously weichen since he whacked like that.. my god.. HAHHa..

There is really a lot alot people turning up yesterday.. whole bunch of highly enthusiastic juniors urging us to buy things from dem.. they dressed up like clown.. and so on.. and the whole school is really.. hahha cannot find a word to replace it.. fun..

The big family warmth..

And whever i told someone about how much i missed bendemeer.. and I realised i am not the only one.. everyone missed it so much as well..

And i must really thank bendemeer.. for the fun laughter and everything and to make me who i am today.. I experience everything here.. the teachers are our friends.. we can always jag dem and they too.. how they give us stuff to eat.. talk cock with us...

And one thing i must really thank bendemeer for giving me sth so priceless.. and that is memories.. memories and memories.. precious memories to continue my journey with.. I cant stop thinking about the fun..

and i dread it so much to enter bendemeer in the first place.. and now.. i cant believe it.. that i am loving bendemeer..

My class guys would always disturb me about bendemeer.. a nonsense crapo school.. and i am actually defending it..

I was typing more than this few paragraphs yesterday.. I just couldnt stop typing.. it goes on and on..

How this school actually changed me.. and maybe you are thinking that this shiping ar.. so sentimental for wad? thats part of life.. we have to live on and go on.. I know I know I know that.. but sometimes when you really think back.. think back for these 4 years.. the fun that i never knew myself having..

And now everyone was moving on.. going on a different journey.. different routes.. and in the past how much we hanged out.. now we dont have it anymore.. I missed my class.. so so so much..

As we go on.. we remember.. If we looked back now.. will our jokes still be funny? all the times we had together.. and as our lives changed.. can we survive it out dere? can we make it somehow? Will the past be a shadow that follow us around?

Yesterday i was telling my mum how much i missed bendemeer and how much i wan to go back and my mum lamented i am crazy wu liao siao and etc..

Bendemeer..

From Each His Best..

And the scene from leaving bss reluctantly to the airport was cut off! too lazy to blog so much.

I met my no.1, 2 and 3... hahha! and our actual meeting time was 1245 and in the end we met at 230 at airport.. " I WANT TO CHU GUO! " HAHHA.. it was rather hillarious.. fun enjoying day..!! hahha.. lots of crap we did! and im sure zebelty paulin shiqi and shiping wont go MI since we did studied!! Our momentum start to slow down.. and den we began to enage in world affairs! to improve our GP.. hahha! okies.. for more details.. refer to shiqi or paulin's blog.. hahha lazy to type so much..

whats more? Uploading some pictures.. enjoy!..My chronicles of life!

[[ troubles troubles and more troubles.. ]]

[[ troubles troubles and more troubles.. ]]

Hav simply too much to blog.. shall begin on friday when i got damn excited when i recieved the OBS form.. How much i look forward to camps and funs.. especially adventure!!

went home and ask my parents so excitedly.. and my dad dont allow.. so my mum dont allow.. so i cant go for the medical check up and the form had to be submitted on monday..

I couldnt take it anymore longer.. to some others out dere.. the way i present myself about parents.. I guess I looked like a spoilt brat..

I wanted to tell them but let me tell you.. I never ask for more since young.. they say no.. either i do it my way or i dont do it.. I do whatever they please.. and now i really want to go for this OBS camp.. and thru 16+ years.. I dont know how to even tell dem or speak.. the moment they say no.. I jus walked out of their room.. I didnt protest or argue.. I didnt say anything at all..

I have never talked back to my parents or argue or even shout.. or scream.. I always wanted to.. I had too much things to scream at them but i screamed only oblivious to my ears in my heart.. I am so furious so angry down dere and yet i didnt say anything about it..

To me i believe i should explode someday instead of doing what my parents want me to do.. I should raise my own voice so they know how i feel like.. this is not disrespect.. but adults are unreasonable.. I cannot just simply keep quiet and take everything by myself..

Yet once and once and once.. I never try to shout or scream to them.. and they never know how exactly i feel..

I vent all the anger on myself.. I do whatever I can.. I hav been like that for the past 16 years.. whether you believe it or not.. and they never knew..

Can you imagine how much i thought about it? how much i wanted to scream at them.. I know what i am going to say but i never once said..

Its not the OBS camp thing.. Its the so many stuff that happened in my life.. Previously.. I jus have the thought that maybe i am still young.. so they hav their reasons.. And right now i am going to be 17.. and I still cannot go for camps? what is this?

They said no chalet. And I kept quiet. They said no overnights. And I kept quiet. They said no dying of hair. And I kept quiet. They said no work. And I kept quiet.

And I kept quiet all the while.

Their excuse if forever the same. I scared you will turn bad.

Going to work is only what i did because I dont want to ask them for money. I want to earn something from my own so that i can buy my own stuff. I wanted to buy a new bag and my bag is already spoilt. It is a neccessity but i just don like the idea of getting money from them.. And to get what i really want..

My friends differ from me.

They pierce their whatever without telling dem. They tattoo without telling dem. They dye their hair without telling dem. And after that done so.. they tell their parents..

My dearest family.. do you expect me to be like them? I do so because I respect you guys and can you guys respect me in a way?

Sometimes I really need freedom instead of materialistic needs.. you are too over protective which make me feel so tired.. I had been your fillial daughter for the past 16 years and i really want you guys to know how exactly i felt.. And today I apologized for what I done but you guys are too far.. I have no choice too.. Do you get me?

I am bloody useless.. I am blogging all here and I still didnt tell them..

I didnt meant to be irresponsible but can you all trust me? If not.. you still ask me for wad?

" Hey dad.. look at me.. think back and talk to me.. did i grow up according to plan? And do you think im wasting my time doing the things i wanna do.. but it hurts when you disapprove all along.. "

I wanted to tell you guys so much but you guys probably think i am finding excuses.. bcos you always think i am like that..

I am sorry dad.. I think i hurt you.. though as a man.. you dont show it out.. but this is the first time i ever showed you my attitude.. I am just so sorry.. I know you love me the most and yet i did this to you.. but i jus wanna tell you.. you are controlling too much of my life..

And I cant bring myself to tell you because I am darn damn bloody useless.. I carnt face you.. My tears would come out.. I cry easilly. especially on this.. Or you can call me cry baby..

I wanted to say sorry but i didnt realise how its so hard to say sorry now.

Bcos of the OBS thing.. I dont wanna face my dad and on saturday dere is briefing about W.A.R which i completely forgot.. till amy reminded us.. And the OBS thing really make me down and its so hard to explain what am i going for.. so anyway i thought the W.A.R was on next week so i can explain next week.. aniwaes the briefing wont take long.. and it was today and hell.. partly.. I dont feel like going home.. so after the briefing.. Amy, Jiewei, Gera and Me headed to town.. took neos.. and caught are we there yet.. quite a hillarious movie.. and the show ended about 11pm.. but its raining to heavilly outside so we waited for the rain to stop.. and i reached home around 12+ which is way too late.. and everyone is sleeping..

And W.A.R is held in Pasir ris and Pulau Ubin so i have to get up early besides we have to report at 645 in pasir ris.. Its a sunday and i dont wish to disturb your sleep..s o i went out of the house early.. Its true i hadnt had a chance to tell you guys exactly what am i doing and going.. Bcos jiewei was late.. we waited for him at the bus stop and my parents start to call.. yes it somehow agitate them bcos they didnt see me for the whole entire day and early in the morning i am gone..

So i told them what i did.. and my dad told me to come back home NOW.. and then he passed the phone to my mum and i jus screamed over.. My mum being more understanding only told me to come early and den my dad asked me about my whereabouts later on and so i told him at pasir ris cc and he said so you will be dere from around 8 to 5 plus lar.. and i said yes.. and then he said i will come down to see if you dere later on in a kinda bad tone and i said as you like.. even this i felt darn bad.. bcos i never been like that before EVER.. and den my mum said dad say i had changed bad.. and i felt darn ridiculous.. what exactly the FUCK you want from me?

I dont wanna repeat myself for the thousand million zillion times that i did not turn bad! and I wont! I wont be stupid enough. I had my own brain and mindset. If I will turn bad.. why would i be stupid enough or what the nonsense to enter YJ and be stress everyday? I have my own ambition. Do you get me a not dad?

Its like only 6 in the morning and it had gone terribly wrong that i cried again.. oh hell.. Im weak.. they are just so unreasonable.. can i have my own thoughts?

And den they ringed up several times to check if i am coming back home anot and to go out for dinner.. got frustrated.. went home and i bet tonight when we go for dinner.. In the house, on the car, at the hawker, on the car back again.. I said less than 20 sentences and most of the time.. my reply was a 1-3 word reply.

Before I reached home.. from Pasir Ris I was thinking over and over again.. how would they react.. etc.. I would tell them tons of stuff... how they are too over protective.. and they didnt even ask.. and i dont feel like talking so its silence throughout..

I have a weakness and that is if you come by soft methods.. I probably give in or be nice.. Chi ruan bu chi ying.. And the way i talk with my mum.. I try to be nice bcos she try to concern about me.. and for guys.. i guess its really darn hard to be nice..

Tonight I didnt even looked at my dad.. probably i look at my mum when we talked for 5 times? and my brother 3 times?

I was running thru different things in mind.. They didnt ask me so i didnt say..

Enough of my weakness.. lets talk about W.A.R.. which is adventurous, fun, cool and simply everything..

[[ Wilderness Adventure Race ]]

How should i start? It includes running, kayaking, rock climbing, swimming, cycling etc.. All the participants are damn fit with thick muscles and so on..

Me, Amy, Gera, Jiewei and Yongnan volunteered to help out in this event.. and some others larh but didnt really get to see them.. oh yes and bendemeer also helped out quite a lot..

though today is really a humid day and i got sunburnt.. I must say i did enjoy myself every minute and it is really cool.. however gera did not enjoy it at all.. hahha.. quite nice mahs..

Me and gera was too lucky and we got to station ourselves at checkpoint 3 which is in pulau ubin.. we are doing volunteer work as well as blood donation to the mosquitoes..

Jiewei, Amy and Yongnan can stay in mainland.. hahha.. and gera was complaining about going to pulau ubin.. but i quite like it.. our duties are marshalls who are supposed to guide them, sign their passport etc..

We were supposed to gather at ellias cc to start the race.. and we went to our positions.. take the so called safety boat which aloysius mentioned.. It was just a boat or a run-down piece of wood? And because its low tide.. there is a distance between the sea and the boat.. so we did mud spa to get up the boat.. meanwhile i cut my leg in that murky dirty muddy water which only make me sink further while walking and walking in it..

All the while i keep saying its fun and cool.. The dirty muddy etc water is the most yucky part.. Our shoes were all perfect.. stones, mud, etc whatever you think of.. will be in dere.. It is really disgusting.. that cannot imagine! My shoes remain wet for the whole entire day and i threw away my nike white socks which has turned into brown colour..

Aloysius is our in charge and he is very friendly and nice.. He is quite shuai but too bad.. out of range.. hahha.. *grins~There is 2 other NTU girls together with us as our checkpoint 3 is one of the most manpower area.. They are Lc and evonne.. they are also darn friendly and lend us lots of stuff.. likeinsect spray, food, water etc.. i cant believe it.. me and gera didnt bring a single thing? we dont evn have waterbottles with us..

And i carnt remember how many cans of red bull i drank.. Red bull is one of the sponseror so free drinks! Salomon is also a big sponsorer and i realised their shoes and bags are kinda not bad so i want to get one for their bag asap.. =P I do hope we have priviledges for their stuff.. winks*

In pulau ubin dere is resort with one swimming pool with quite some kids in it.. and the kids keep asking are we dolphin trainers? hahha i also wished i am.

And checkpoint 3 is the archery station.. you need to try to get a best shot etc.. The race isnt easy at all.. I bet i would have give up at checkpoint 3 and how in the hell can they finish all!.. They have to run for quite some distance.. And then kayak all the way from mainland to pulau ubin! I am supposed to usher them to the archery area.. and to tell them to get their kayak up on the land.. so me and gera keep on repeating " Bring your kayak up and bring everything along with you and proceed on to the archery area.. " Sometimes we also shout Jia you and craps..

One by one.. when they come out of the water.. their leg was damn muddy.. yuck! but its cool man.. It just reminds me of without a paddle.. Its a really damn nice movie but I couldnt find the Vcds.. I almost wanted to kayak over to pulau ubin some other day.. havin that thought in my mind.. seriously i don mind living in rural area.. I dont have to study and stress myself everyday.. What a carefree life.. The only thing is that its hard to find husband.. hahha!

And the competitors came rushing in.. all at the same time.. had a really hard time to manage.. I admire all of them.. having the courage to take part in this race which is really tedious.. I can die if im in it.. and most impt.. is to have that strength to carry on.. Some was even disqualified but they insist on trying the stations which is nothing but admirable and commendable..

Oh yes our lunchbox arrive late and we were all starving.. The tremendous heat plus lack of water.. is going to dehydrate us..

And after our checkpoint where we ensure everyone had reached.. we moved on to our next checkpoint where we set up the stuff.. Rock climbing! goodness! That is like damn high.. i cant even reach a quarter not to mention the top! strong strong strong.. The first 3 teams were following each other closely and they were all out of breath..

This race is rather disorganised but luckilly it turns out to be not too bad.. but is really disorganized.. everyone getting stress up.. Over the walkie talkie.. the sound never seems to stop and it is forever.. quick.. rushing.. horrible..

There is flying fox which is checkpoint 11 and stucked.. that is the highlights but didnt get a chance to view it..

Thats all about it.. Oh man its jus so cool.. I want to go on an adventure!

[[ disappointed ]]

Jus dissappointed in some people. I never fails to be dere when they need me and yet when i really need them.. where were they?

And I never recieve any consolations from her when everyone did.

Fakes!

[[ totally mad and going crazy.. ]]

[[ totally mad and going crazy.. ]]

shiping realised she is going crazy.. she had tons of work.. gp essay chinese essay econs essay lit essay and maths tutorials.. so she went out of mind..

She stayed back and complete her gp essay because the tcher wants it bcos it is 10 days late. She wanted leave together with her bunch of friends.. can talk and laugh and craze all the way to the bus stop but she controlled. She was determined to do her work. so she did finish her gp and chinese essay. found joanne to run the track. ran 3 rounds the track. play a little bit soccer with the guys and then walked home with joanne. in the end decided to go to north point to study. didnt really study much and went home. didnt went exactly home. went to bendemeer mac to study. from 7 all the way to 10 plus. half way thru. hedi came to join shiping.

Shiping patiently attempted the tutorial questions. keep making careless and stupid mistakes and dont understand the maths problems. She turned frenzy. And she began to flare up.. getting so angry.. not over the maths sums but herself..

Her notes was all those "fuck off".. she keep repeating those words in her mind.. why the hell is she so bloody useless?

and you can ask hedi how was shiping like that moment..

Shiping's mum called so she have to go off..and on the way walking with hedi.. she scream like mad.. screaming till she never knew she can reach such a high pitch.. believe it or not.. she dont really give a damn about the people walking past or near her.. It was loud.. there is even echo and the neighbourhood can really hear..

And then hedi suggested going to the swing at st george.. so in the end they decided to take a different route and cut across the houses and grass.. still screaming away and singing music loud.. its like 11 in the night.. shiping bet people would want to pour water down at dem.. and then shiping say cut across the field.. no one can scream louder.. and hedi said today rain so field muddy so dont.. and shiping insisted.. so they cross and halfway thru.. they realised they are sinking and they quickly stop and ran back.. and hedi was scolding shiping.. and it was damn funny..

And then near the swing area.. Shiping couldnt take it anymore so she ran at her fastest speed and hedi continued her walking.. shiping reached the bridge.. while waiting for hedi to come.. she stoned there.. the swing was occupied as well.. so she stoned and her tears jus came and she jus sat down at the bridge.. and then lay down on that dirty floor.. looking at the sky..

" let the rain fall down and wake my dreams.. let it wash away my sainity.. "

Thats what she thought. and her tears came down. didnt know why.

suddenly hedi start to burst out in laughter.. laughing like mad.. and she say mcnair got 2 siao one.. who keep screaming..

Her mum called again. tone wasnt good.

it make her smile and she feel so much better and on the way back.. they sang songs.. and then went home.. its 11+.. so "early"~ and she went into her mum's room.. her mum was sleeping but like half asleep and woke up immediately.. " hai yoh.. why so late? Study dont study until so late mah.. saturday and sunday can study.. tmr still need to go school.. eat already? " she shook her head and said not hungry.. she continue to ask in a concerning gentle and soft tone.. " later hungry got cake eat.. ok? you dont sleep too late.. "

She went in the bathroom and tears went down again.. Her mum so concerned.. it really comforts her..

She drank one yakult and is perfectly fine now. she already decided not to go out on saturdays and sundays until she can catch up with her work. And as for computers.. well it may be her last post before the next post is out.. but duno when would it be..

Stress.

I can take it. if not how can i grow?

I must take things in charge now.

Enjoy this entry of mine.. hahha..

I love GP! I love Maths! I love Lit! I love Econs! I love Chinese!

I love Shiping!

Shiping is gonna be okay. she is gonna do well so is everyone.

BELIEVE.

Impossible is nothing.

-Adidas

[[ Happy mother's day.. ]]

[[ Happy mother's day.. ]]

Dont worry peeps.. I am alrite.. Jus feel like complaining in my last post.. I am still going on strong.. gEeees.. hahha..

Today was a sunday and my mum opened her shop.. honestly dread to go dere at times.. especially during quarrel period.. And today is mother's day..

To my very own wonderful great perfect everything mother and all those cool and great mums out dere in the world..

Happy Mother's day

Yesterday.. while onlining with my da sao.. Somehow mention about mother's day.. And i turned to ask my brother about mother's day.. We never really bought anything on mother's day if we could remember.. We went on talking about mother's day and how it would really be strange and awkward to buy a gift for our mum.. And then I asked him when is mother day? and he dont know too.. My da sao told me its tmr and she say she gonna write i love you on some food that she going to make.. I turned over again.. asking him do you really think its damn awkward to say i love you mum mother or mummy.. He agrees.. Seriously thinking of not getting anything for my mum before.. we went on and agrees to buy one cake for her..

So I went to buy one.. We shared costs and then I happilly bought that cake home..

We dont use festivals and occasions to get gifts for my mum..Once, We split costs and bought one bag which costs 100 over from our hong bao to get my mum the bag.. And we felt happy because my mum is happy..

When I opened the door.. looking at my mum ironing clothes.. So I told her heres ur mother day present.. and then she was like buy for what.. but deep down i know she is happy.. It wasnt really an expensive gift or her favourite cake or the things she want.. Its just something that it is bought with our heart and thoughts..

Cut the cake.. Thats a really wonderful cake.. And it tastes great..

I dont know how long this kinda family harmony gonna last but I guess i enjoyed it before it ends.. and starts and ends and starts..

Like I said.. My life.. Our life is simple.. sometimes plain but we are happy.. I am happy.. Thats probably family warmth..

Love ya lots mum.. You did so much for this family.. work from dawn to night.. even on weekends.. and have to look after this family.. I dont know what to do but thank you.. Thank you for everything..

It really comforts me to see everything packed nicely for us in the morning.. one cup of tea.. waterbottles refilled.. Breakfast on the table.. Money on the table..

I know she is tired.. I cannot do much but rest assured mum.. I will let you live comfortably..

Not forgetting my dad who gets no present on his birthdays, father day and etc.. Thank you for waking me up punctually and telling my the big big big issues and facts and dancing together and having fun together and doing all those wu liao stuff together.. playing badminton together.. coming to fetch me.. and teaching me stuff and scolding me and most importantly.. loving me and my brother just like loving mum..

I just love you guys.. Thank you..

oh yes just to add on for just now.. was going out for dinner so didnt hav time to blog.. shall continue now..

and i realise its really tough for my mum.. Was helping her out at the coffeeshop just now.. and this blangadesh guy came into the shop.. he is DRUNK for god heaven sake and was doing stupid things like keep on lifting up his shirt and even did stupid things.. and when we were closing down.. he refused to leave so my mum fren came and chased him away however.. he came back again.. standing outside the shop.. he was really damn scary.. I dont even dare to go near him.. and second time we chased him away he came back again! and then for the fourth time he came back.. It was useless and we even tried to threaten to call the policen and even picked up the phone to bluff.. So we closed the heavy metal gates and we did our stuff inside like washing up.. It was mainly all the females here..and thank god that my mum fren was dere.. when he went to throw some rubbish.. and the stupid man came! slap him!

He really is drunk like some shit.. he look damn scary.. and doing stupid things like wanting to shake hand with my mum fren! stupid! and then my dad came and he also wanted to shake hand with my dad! what the hell! crazy! and then when we did our stuff inside.. he sat outside.. he is really crazy.. what a stupid person.. I am really damn scared.. His eyes was like bloodshot maybe due to the excessive drinking.. I will never associate myself with drunkards.. they are just damn bloody scary..

for my mum.. she is a female and is the shop owner and when the stall aunties left.. she is left alone.. unless my dad or her fren came down.. if not it would definitely be so dangerous for her.. I went to the shop to help her out not very often and had even met horrible cases.. one blangadesh flasher and another drunkard taking a damn thick chain dunoe wants to do wad.. and i think she is very strong and brave.. mum you're the best.. I admire you..

Sometimes I feel very fortunate and happy with my family.. contented because our lives are too simple.. way too simple that it is so happy that it is unimaginable..

And I just stopped laughing.. My dad and me were doing some sort of butt dance.. and when my dad's butt go to the left i go to the left and den the right so its quite rthymic.. and then my brother came and the three of us doing that in front of my mum.. I am bursting into laughter! cannot simply stop laughing and my mum too..

Simple is happy.

We arent rich. we just live life simple and it really makes us happy..

I dont have to matter richness.. I dont care anymore.. So what my clothes are brandless and so what if my friends dress nicely.. and so what if people laugh at me.. they arent supposed to.. because they are my friends.. So what if college people are rich kids? So? I am happy.. are they?

I dont mix with rich kids! hahha!

Simplicity. Perfect.

My initials. Shiping

I dont care about people already.. I will remember my brother's advice.. You dont have to care how people look at you because people are busy thinking of how other look at them..

I realise i dont have to ask opinions from people. Whatever I think its nice.. They dont think its nice.. It will only disappoint me.. I am not living for them.. I am living for myself.. I dont buy things because of them.. I buy things because I like and I think its nice.. Everyone got different tastes and preferences so you cannot think whatever I like isnt nice.. because you dont have the right to make me do so.. Its just that different people got different tastes..

No one have good tastes. It is just different tastes.

Its not against anyone. I am just trying to keep that in mind of people as a general.. From this moment.. I dont have to ask people's opinions.. It will only interfere my opinions.. I am buying this because so and so say its nice.. The only thing i asked too much for opinions is that i am tryin to respect them but it only make me think my taste is way too wrong.. and secondly.. I am indecisive..

This is my weakness.. I shall learn to be decisive and firm.. This is the thing people have to go thru and learn from..

I feel much lighter now.. mentally.. bcos physically I am still too fat.. hahha! comfortable when things put on mind are let down.. =)

Einfachheit Glück Idee Vollkommen Unvergleichbar Natürlich Glücklich

[[ Yakults, yakults and yakults ]]

[[ Yakults, yakults and yakults ]]

I guess my mum is a little sad.. We need 2 packs of yakults for a week or less.. I cant stop drinking it.. It makes me really happier which i really dont know why.. My mother just refilled it on the fridge and seriously to be honest.. It is never out of supply.. Yes I had this perfect mother.. I dont know since when I am addicted to yakult.. since the day my mother brought yakult home and until then..

And I dont drink it outside.. Its rather ironic.. I like it but i dont drink it outside.. I dont know why but it somesort relieves me when i see them at my home fridge or rather I dont have that thought of drinking it outside.. It never occurs to me having that thought..

Well.. sometimes in life.. I dont know how to react.. How should i simply put it across?

People around me are fakes.. sometimes i am wondering am i one too?

Sadly to say.. I am a class rep.. and my class are like sort of having small minor internal unhappiness.. Yes i can see that someone is really not likeable and they completely ignored.. yes that someone sometimes might be over limit but i feel sort of bad.. I may be dont really like someone but i dont present out and most of all i dont want to hurt anyone.. And honestly i feel confused.. I feel bad..

Am I like a backstabber? I can understand 2 parties and their plight.. Gera.. I think you knew what i meant.. Its really make me headache.. I dont know what to do? What am i supposed to do?

I chase after people everyday to hand in this to hand in that.. to sign this to sign that.. and they dont hand in to me.. I can understand both the teacher and the student.. My teacher tell me.. you have to do something! you cannot chase after them all the while! you need to be firm and strict with them! shiping you are just too nice to them..

And then I cannot tell them hey hey hey CAN YOU HURRY AND HAND IT UP? I have to build up my friendship with them as well.. I dont want to abuse power or make it i am so unreasonable.. How can I do it perfectly? I never try to be fierce.. I remind them and their answer is tomorrow can? and tomorrow can and tomorrow can?

How can i please them? And thats what my job is. To take down orders and do everything nicely for them without being paid and it always make me feel bad.. so and so didnt attend tutorial.. I call so and so because i am the bloody class rep and so and so got punished.. and naturally everyone is telling me you dont have to feel bad bcos its not your fault but you guys understand my situation? I feel bad..

What? Who? Where? When? Whom? How?

Thats my common phrase recently.. Anyway may seems to be cranky in school.. I appear differently in front of different people.. Thats what I can say about me..

Was having floorball today.. Mdm sheila not dere today.. It was better.. Never played so happilly before.. It was like J1 versus J2.. Somehow we won some goals.. Fell down twice.. hahha haven die yet =P..

And the rugby match today.. CJ versus YJ.. CJ won.. gosh.. Its really exciting.. the match started at 5 and floorball too.. lucky mdm sheila not dere so we went to watch for quite some time.. Looking at the people piling up.. Feel sorry for that poor fellow.. It was raining once again..

Why rugby forever associated with rain? The previous 2 matches is still the same.. and then in A cinderella story.. Chad michael and hillary duff.. I carnt have enough of it.. Thats the sweetest show I watched.. And the gas chamber used in germany during Nazis war.. People pilling on top of one another..

If its me.. I bet I would be happier.. certainly would have lost weight.. so many people squashing me up!..

And I went to macs with christine after my floorball.. And so much things to buy.. I want to get one floorball stick.. and my maths tys.. and a bagpack but i got no money.. After so much effort during that 1 week break.. I cant believe I have got no money at all.. I felt confused and cheated at the same time.. I dont want to ask my parents for money.. I know they are having a tough time.. I still carnt believe it.. Everytime I wanna do something about it.. I am helpess.. What to do..

Chatted with christine for quite some time.. and she really see me through.. I realised I am a low self esteem moron which is exactly true.. I am optimistic about happenings.. but i realise how weak i am when handling relationships.. I just feel that people around me dont like me.. Its like dumb.. but I just feel it that way.. I feel insecure.. And even friends I just think somehow they dont really like me..

And the changes I realise that I have made.. external factors..

I carnt stop comparing the rich kids and me.. They are damn bloody rich.. College kids are really rich.. I know I shouldnt look on that.. I told christine how I felt.. Didnt know why..

I know I dont have to care what people think of me.. Live for myself and not them.. I remembered clearly what my brother told me about I dont have to care.. His big theory is always in my mind.. but however not applying it..

I think i am really damn useless.. My maths teacher wanted to see my parents.. Either is because i didnt hand in the tutorials bcos i dont know how to do or I failed my maths test again and again.. I am really damn dissappointed in myself.. I am really useless.. Dont tell me I am not.. I felt this way all the time.. I carnt believe i couldnt do maths! And to think I got an A2 for both a maths and emaths.. And my chinese.. Once again.. everything had shown to me.. I sucks in everything.. I fail my chinese spelling.. do badly for everything.. and I got an A2 as well.. What is this man? My supposedly good subjects are hell and what am i gonna do?

Why am I so useless? I tried.. but I still couldnt..

I went home with rebecca.. happened to saw each other at northpoint.. It was really great as we can talk all things out.. the past conflicts.. friends around us.. everything..

Her journey.

Lifehouse - You and me.. At the beginning.. Lindsay Lohan - over.. Lee Hom - Ai cuo le.. Hillary Duff - Come clean..

She got down the bus and ran home.. Paused at intervals where the traffic lights are.. Continue to ran all the way.. She took out her whistle and keep blowing.. Thats the only way she can stop herself from screaming.. She wanted to scream so much but she never tried it loud.. People might think she is mad.. She dont care.. She continue to run.. running through the closed shops.. down the empty place.. through the market.. past the bus stops..

She didnt know she can run so fast without stopping.. she didnt knew that she was in pain until when she stopped.. She is hurt.. and no one can understand..

She felt different.. This kind of strange feeling.. Have you ever?

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand?
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away?
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same?
Have you ever searched for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start?

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes?
Have you fin'ly found the one
You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you?
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait
For that day when they will care?

Have you ever?

She froze.. and stoned.. That run was furious.. It was like venting all her supposedly anger but dere isnt any.. She dont know why too..

It was the same feeling back then.. Running up 8 flights of stairs without stopping..

She didnt want to mention it again until she couldnt take it. Why was she feeling that way? Dont ask her. She dont know the answer herself..

This was a little different. This time she felt exasperating. She wanted to get it all out of her. She dont like to explain. Simply because she dont know how to explain. She dont need attention.

She just need some space alone. Just let her be.

She went through that familiar place.. open up another new dimensional.. new world.. and she saw a door.. went through it and everything was back to normal.. She calmed down and realised It was hell for her that few minutes.. She awake from her thoughts..

back to normal. She's gone.

Her journey ended.

Have you opened Window media player and looked at the visualisation? Look for cominatcha. To me.. Its peace.. And I actually did open it to full screen and watch it.. I never get bored.. I feel like extending my hands to this galaxy..

May think I am really insane.

Cominatcha. I really like it.

I guess I am too tired.

I haven been wearing my specs to sleep for the past 2 days and lights on in my room.. radio still on.. every morning my mother had to off the lights and everything for me.. And plus I would be holding a book in my sleep.

At this rate.. I might be sent to the hougang chalet soon..

Too tired. really tired. everyone is also tired.

[[ What now?.. ]]

[[ What now?.. ]]
Hmmms not a bad day.. just forgot to bring my phone to school today.. everything goes on well.. hahha.. teacher didnt really press me for work.. I am so happy! hahha.. next year go MI already! hahhhhhhaa..

Today is really a bung day! Everyone keep calling me bung simply bcos of some moron!.. I feel like cutting my hair again.. My this hair tie like so short and all my stupid hair keep falling down and if dont tie is so long! hahha.. forget it.. I dont have image i dont care..

Thats lame enough.. not a bung!

I wonder my this kind of happiness will continue for how long? well today is still the same.. not much difference than everyday.. Everyday also chiong ang mo kio.. Today as usual went to eat ice kacang at ang mo kio..

Yes.. Tmr got floorball.. Becos of monday which is a holiday.. I was thinking this week no floorball.. hahha.. Though sometimes floorball might be so dull but to me it so fun..

Actually college life is quite fun.. dont know how to explain but everyday you can see me smiling and hear me laughing..

This kind of entry is boring! I duno whats more to say..

[[ Better late than never.. ]]

[[ Better late than never.. ]]

Ganesh will soon call up my parents. I shall be waiting for it. hais. what the hell. late again. Its like been 4 times been late.. 2 times late for assembly and about 4 times taking cab.. School just starts like only less than 2 months and whats wrong with me?

And today I wake up at 6 but went back to my dream.. I was dreaming about something beautiful.. couldnt remember what happened.. But I slept until 9 and you know it must be something really beautiful.. argh I dont really care because the first period is PE and second period is break so I dont really missed out anything except that during PE, they were made to run 2 more rounds than the usual 3 rounds.. AHA! hahha..

I happy happy do my thing and stroll to the bus stop.. and then i saw something beautiful.. one 857 zoomed pass me.. ok thats it.. 857 always arrive 10 minutes later.. Means i have to wait another 10 minutes.. alemak.. and still maintaining my happy mood.. I went to the next bus stop perhaps can go 7-11 see see.. so i went and what the hell.. the next bus is like 20 minutes later!

Nvm.. Better late than never.. hahha.. trying to console myself you see.. I guess I really displayed myself as a out of hand student..

My mum almost flared up cos my aunt spotted me in the morning at 9am. She was keep saying.. you go school as you like one mehs? but lucky she wasnt in a bad mood.. And she was mumbling to herself that later teacher asked her go school she is not going to go down.. so i said nvm one la.. They only call you up only.. hahha..

Oh yes! I am not a bung! and I am a 100% girl! argh... aniwaes do i really seem like one? Sometimes.. ok to be honest.. most of times I am chor loh.. rough and uncultured.. eRrr and blah blah.. guess paulin gonna laugh at me when she read this! hey shiping = bung! how could that be? hahha.. and they are telling me to cut my hair real short and spike it! -.-" Aniwaes I think I will be a nun better than a bung.

And I think guys stuff are much more cooler.. I dont like girly stuff.. But I like stuff toys.. Do you see bungs like stuff toy? And of cos not those act cute bungs.. why the hell will i be called a bung! omg. I still carnt believe it.. scratch my head*

Aniwaes.. I will be a nun. Hais. Waiting for someone special to appear.. Hadnt seen any and the past perhaps is just ai cuo le.. probably i guess.. Wheres my that special someone? eRrr is it alrites? I only fantasizes larh.. guess I probably sticked to being a nun!

Thats quite enough. I probably be late tmr again. aniwaes.. I had tons of work to do!

Actually being late is good lei. Who knows some accident might happen if i take the earlier buses? I might die. Wow.. I saved my own life! Thats so awesome..

ok. pardon me for my lameness.. Just trying to console myself! catch ya later guys..!

[[ sick and tired of it.. come clean.. ]]

[[ sick and tired of it.. come clean.. ]]

hate to mention everytime..but gradually grew tired of it..

to put words simply. my happy family is broken. they quarrel almost everytime. my brother and i grew tired. the 2 supposed matured adults are behaving like juveniles.. and what the hell are they trying to show infront of us? The whole car ride is almost silent. the whole dinner is silent. around me, the families and familes eating so noisy so happily.. and when i look back to our table.. perhaps people also show some sympathy..

Why couldnt they behave more maturely as to stop arguing here and dere.. It stirs out different emotions from me.. I dont know what to do.. I feel vexed.. and when i turned and look at my brother.. I saw us in the similiar situation..

I dont know when the hell will this ever ever stopped.. maybe perhaps when they retired.. when the both of them no longer holds any stress.. perhaps i will sponser them tons of money and they can smile whole day!

I hate to mention it.. It really gives bad impression of my family.. I dont want to.. and looking at other people's happy family.. I am pretty envious.. Maybe each family has their own troubles.. I cannot judge like that.. "jia jia you ben nan nian zi jing".. how come mine has more quarrels more than laughter?

CARNT YOU PEOPLE EVER EVER STOP BEHAVING LIKE KIDS.. ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF ME?

carnt they ever spare a thought for us? carnt they stop complaining? carnt they control themselves? carnt they settle things more maturely? carnt they carnt they carnt they?

It is like how many times they want to quarrel? I know they are stressed.. why carnt they ever talk things peacefully.. It hurts me too.. I feel like counting how many times they quarrel.. uncountable.. They can join the debate team as well..

I was thinking.. was it really a mistake that i am born on earth.. was it really a mistake my dad and my mum.....

How many times my mother wants to cry? How many times my father dont want to go home? How many times?

Perhaps I would choose not to come to this world.. If there is no me.. I wouldnt even know whats like.. I dont know anyone had that feeling.. Its my only life.. Recarnation and after life and all those.. I dont know about it.. but i will die.. how would it be? I dont know.. Will I be a ghost? What is it? I dont know. This is my only life.. I will grow old and die.. I dont know.. I dont know anything.. I am afraid of my future..

Just now at the eating table while waiting for the dishes to arrive.. my brother start to ask me.. dont you think you are not at home these days? I dont see you often.. Mummy also dont see you whole day.. It really make me reflect.. how much i dont like to be at home.. I told him that it is meaningless.. It is pointless for me to be at home.. And my dad asked us whether we are quarreling..

Now you see why.. It is pointless. I dont see a point. I want to feel that warmth.. that family spirit.. but i dont experience that for maybe 16 years.. Maybe I should do some reflection..

That day when my chinese teacher almost wanted to call my parents.. I was really shocked.. Didnt know she would go until that extent.. I said they are not free.. She asked me whats their occupation? I told her.. and she agrees their job are really busy.. yes.. busy.. I only see them at night and normally they are doing their stuff and me too.. and not soon after.. they will be in bed.. so whats the point?

Perhaps you see another me here.. The forlorn me.. I am nearly hopeless..

[[Hilary Duff - Come Clean]]

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every colour
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin'cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean

Let's go back
Back to the beginning..

A really very nice song.. expressing all my thoughts..

To my dearest family..

"And going out is better
Then always staying in.."

I dont mean to.. I know my limits.. but i see no point..

"Let the rain fall down..and wake my dreams..Let it wash away my sanity..Cos I wanna feel the thunder..I wanna scream.."

A lil recap of what I did..

I bought a 8.95 chair from IKEA and carry it home.. One crazy thing i've done.. People giving me different looks.. I dont care.. I really need a chair.. Might think i am crazy.. perhaps really i am..

been to town on saturday with gera and carmen.. had really an enjoyable laughter day.. It still feels so natural so comfortable with the 2 idiots.. Its a pity I dont find these kinda people in here anymore.. saw paulin and co.. met up with the 3 considered to be MCP guys.. refusing to come down to town..must 3 girls go over.. Caught Divergence with them.. Qiwei wanted to play billiard and so we went.. and then got too bored so we went off.. gera and me walk thru bugis aimlessly.. and eventually went home..

Caught Coach Carter with hedi today.. not too bad.. quite nice.. worms is cute.. hahha.. Pretty motivating?

When you are happy.. I dont find any words to really express that joy.. If you realise happiness always be known to your closest friends.. and that sadness will be in blogs.. For me its like that.. and to report your daily life in blogs is a chore.. And considering that too many people looking at my blog isnt really a good thing.. bcos it is supposed to be a place.. a corner where i retreat myself to.. and people would probably figured out what my inner self are.. It is not really a good thing..

I dont know. let the rain fall down..