you and me. we are two.
and two is a lucky number because two is a prime number.
and prime number cannot be divided. can only be divided by one and itself.

you and me. we are one.
and one is a lucky number because one is also counted as a prime.

rfc's cny'eve'eve.

today's the friday and tmr is chinese new year eve. yeah! me and nan bought cockles ytd and wanted to bring to school today and chiong together ah. hahha as we know most rfcians loves cockles and it was gging real damn cheap. only 1kg at 1 dollar. hahha but it is sure damn lame to eat in school. but we still managed to do it. and it was shiok with chilli. rfc as always ;) and then we had soccer in school. i wasnt really feel like playing so i jus sit a corner and did maths but ended up sleeping. and we headed to northpt cold storage get the stuffs for our reunion dinner!!

it had been a really long time that we didnt have such outings already and it had been feeling like this.. like rfc had split up. stranded. but i know it hasnt from tonight. it had really been such a wonderful night. i wished this night never ends. it is really perfect. to closen up the gap. everyone had been so busy lately anyways.

we had our bbq at karwei's place. 13 of us went. we didnt even need to worry about if its fun because with rfc around. anything is capable. it was really fun. our fire started at 9pm. -.- hahha because dued to the growling stomachs of rfcians and then they anyhow so the fire extinguish again and again. lack of patient ahh! hahha in the end after the 3rd attempt. things get better led by zarifah and serena. we slacked around playing cards and we got thrown one after one into the pool. of cos girls are excused =D thats our priviledge! and today poor victim was ah bee!! he was targetted and dunked into the pool for uncountable times. and then we cut watermelons! bbq with watermelons? no link ah. thats rfc lah. hahha and then we dug whatever we can eat from the watermelons and then put the half watermelon on ah bee's head especially. hahha guys! kentoh was the first to dunk as we all know why. the president rights! hahha and he said he is not gging to. rfc's still damn cork as ever. love this whole bunch of them. they make my life damn fun and because of them, college's life is really great.

and the finale was even great. we took our yu sheng to a traffic junction and we started screaming and shouting and went nuts. lao yu sheng!! hahha bcos karwei's security guard will chase us if we did tt in the condo. and then we took a picture all tgther and set timer. was damn funny. at the junctions, people walking past us will be looking at us and the cars stopped at the junction. who would do that other than rfc?

rfc's bond still there. am really happy tonight. i dont even feel like going home. was hoping let time stop and never end. all these would really go into my memories ah! hahha and damn excited about the photos. we actually took so many pictures that jerry's cam was full. jerry if ya see this, better hurry and send us the link ah!! hahha we cant wait! thanks ;)

and thanks a lot, friend! you really made us happy tonight. and thanks a lot for that, you're really great! we'll still be one rfc as always! hahha really appreciate that from you. really respect you! salute!! nothing more to say, but thanks.. really thanks! :)

damn//.

today's the twenty five.
back to esplanade. romantic nights. nervous yet sweet. unbelievable.
back to the walks. simple and happy.
back to sheares. beautiful and amazing.
back to macs. enjoyable and fun.
back to suntec. relaxed and carefree.

a lil'. really that lil'.



damn//. all that workloads gettin frm sch work. its only the first 3 months and the work is pilling up. argh. cant get enough to breathe. i wanna relax. wanna have fun. so much. life gettin so hectic that i cant even stop. balancing everything is really hard. i'm really tired. damn shagged. i wanna scream. damn. damn. damn. back to what shiping is like when 127 just started. people said i lost that enthusiasm. lost that lively spirit. lost that craziness in me. is that so? people comment on my spirit soul whatever whatever almost everyday. is that really so? argh. fatigue tying me down. i cant really help it. why is it so competitive. why is everything making so stressful for me. i wanna rest. damn badly yet lots of work waiting for me. im really tired. how can i continue? damn. stay balance. cool. damn//.

take me for a carousel ride or a ferris spin.

forward; forward and play.

many many things. maybe this year's new year isnt that a happy great one. a different generations gathering. poor fates as if we're in a movie. why does poor souls of women revolve around men. the past - hopeless gamblers. the present - flirts. the future - what. maybe i aint so grown up to really understand the inner conflicts. to understand the seriousness. the desperation among the people whether they're in danger or not because we are all linked together. we are in this together. we're connected. am feeling really unfilial. how come we seemed to be the actors in the movie but yet again we seemed far more worst in this movie. dramatic. reality is worst off. this damn reality is harsh. just fucking harsh. the frustrations vented out and seeking nothing in return. who can we get our consolation from? who can we turn to? we are small god. just some joke. controlled by heavens. controlled by god. and we had to pretend all our fake smiles when we're hurting inside. we've got no say in whatsoever. sadly, we're powerless and like the chess in control. feeling helpless. seek help, and where do we sought refuge? seeking help from the helpless. we're handicapped. we're trapped. all trapped. pressurized by technology. and why do we form a prejudice against men? it definitely is not true but it cant be helped. the mixed lost confused emotion stirring in me eversince i formed a memory. it grew up with me. i dislike them but i cant help over things that we cant control. i know its ridiculous; ironical and contradicting and whatever. i know i am. i am a contradict. i rather we faced up and talk but i would escape given a choice. the world of escapism. when we faced things that we're lost, we would escape as most people would. i would. i feel so much like tearing. the pressures. and my own reflection, nothing is positive. why are we only small god? why are we all in pain? why are we so lost inside, face with no route to run no one to turn to; reaching the dead end and we're helpess? we're already helpess and it feels more helpless than ever. why is it so? why is history henchman so evil? why are we face with no solutions? the young generations should give some real thought. face up but i still lost. why are we helpess?

take us to a thousand years later. probably maybe we feel better. dont rewind anymore. shall we? forward. skip the present. we shall escape. forward; forward and play.

sum it all up.

chinese new year is actually very near, do you know that? my mum stocked up all the new year goodies already and especially warned me not to steal any. but i was having my damn horrible medicine as usual, and i cant help it and stole some. hahha sorry mum. she wont count anyway. =P and i went out to bugis and suntec with pei and kentoh today. kentoh was behaving like a small kid, right? our little brother-like. but in the end, we tortured him like a slave carrying our shopping bags. am officially broke as i spend a lot these days. pei, right? but it was quite fun.. how come money is so hard to earn but easy to spend.. can any great philosopher explain it?

and my dearest dearest friend, it really pains me to see you in great hurt. be strong okays? everything gonna be alright someday. love you a lot. be like that happy go lucky girl i used to know. the bu zai hu girl okay? hang on dere.. =

what would it be like after a thousand years?

and why does shiping likes to ask questions that obviously got no answers to it right. okays forget it. ha ha.

i'm not tired somehow probably dued to me waking up at 1pm today. but i slept quite late ytd and so why is this happening? i rmbered telling myself to do some physics some shit but i think yeah no. tmr is a packed day. and a damn day for me i guessed. okays. avoid talking to me tmr. i guess i would be in a pretty pms mood. the lessons are so boring. you know like gp, lit lec lit tutorials, econs lec econs tut.. argh!! okay suddenly i remembered someone told me " school is not a circus. " so i guess i gotta find ways to entertain myself tmr. hahha and this circus thought made me smile. but seriously i dont know why in the world the hell i would take literature for. it is not interesting. especially all the lectures and tutorials. but the only thing is the subject i can be confident of getting a pass. maybe in As im only going to aim As for econs and maths. and literature is the best choice out of those history geography chem bio art music whatever whatever. oh yes and As for my physics as well. physics is interesting but i dont have a physic inclined brain. my brain just cannot work fast with physics linked but it is interesting. sounds weird right.

it has been a long time since i kept complaining about the things in my blog. but today probably i cannot get to sleep and got nothing to do. thats why you see. urmm okay back to why am i gonna pms mood tmr cos im down with that stupid detention thing. you know why? okays college's lame. and i mean damn freaking lame. we are only allowed to be late 3 times a year. and you know like duno 99.9 percent or whatever shit. they keep stressing on the 99999. and i can tell you only buddha can make it la. only buddhas can get the 9999 whatever. and im only late 2 times. my mum got a call. and then im down with 3 hrs of detention. and the most lame thing. 3 hrs spread over 3 days and over 2 weeks. and college spend money installing gadgets like video-cams. last year, im like late for duno how many times and no one ever told me about detention. and i didnt even knew detention exists. nobody was fearful of the college i guess and this year the school went crazy. it became so strict and so exaggerating. and even so lame. and the detention starts at 5pm ends at 6pm.

it might seem to be a small problem but if parents are called, things are never a joke to me. i never did detentions in my entire life. i only recalled sent to dm's office and i went talking with friends while standing outside the office cos we were all defiant to the teacher. but now its alone. and it itself makes a lot damn difference. my parents obviously wouldnt side me. and wondering so what am i gonna do during detentions? the paper only write "service to college" i gonna take gun and fire the college man. i would wanna burn the college down.

am i being so paranoid? sighs and i dont know myself either. this kinda thing obviously dont make you positive. and i got my name written down for an "oversize blouse". and you expect me wear a tight fitting blouse to school? and since when does your school rule state this kinda crap theory. it is like ridiculous precisely.

sighs whatever. these things just dont make me good. yeap. only probably looking forward to wednesday. =)

hooked fingers.

Freunde - Friends.

im getting down more easilly these few days. a lil bit of things would make me upset easilly. i dont know whats wrong with everything. im feeling vexed easilly and i meant damn easilly. i'm sorry if i let someone upset or what. i'm sorry about that day. i just feel damn sucky like im a big loser and everything. why do i made you upset all the time? i dont mean it but im like jus so hopeless. i hav poor memory; i lose things easilly; i am not considerate enough; and whatever whatever. why do i deserve such good treatment from you. i always feel you're too good for me. and if anyone read my blog, you jus feel i'm damn dumb but you know you really cant control feeling that way. will anyone understand what am i feeling. i am not good enough for you. but i really cant let you go you know. you're just so important. :)

i've been seeing too much unhappiness that i've been losin hope of everything. how come relationships end so fast. why do people get hurt and why do people hurt their half. why is the word-love so complicated. there seems to be endless and endless questions to the other half. we always almost want to question him/her about this and that. simply bcos we cant find the answer ourselves. why is it when things happen, everything seems so late. and why do we always almost cant get the answer out. we'll leave with nothing. memories perhaps. hurts and hurts. why are we humans. why do we feel so emotional. many many questions but no answers.

and my dear friend, you gotta be strong. it hurts me as well seeing you like that. you're so torn. i saw my best bud feeling so hurt so lost. i really dont know what to say but just hope me listening would make you feel better. you gotta be strong. and i mean you're really strong. dont break down easilly like i do. from what we end up talking, i knew you would be strong. somethimes, we learnt to be stronger thru storms. i really have no idea how to console you but i would be there i assure you. everytime anytime you need me, i would be there. i would make sure you dont collapse. i would be there to hold and support you. i really mean it. and it really hurts me seeing you like that. alright. i would be your crying shoulder if you ever need it. and for everything, i guess you are so clear cut about what you going to do so theres nth more i can say. its okay to tear my dearest friend. its okay to be vulnerable. really. i learnt that and especially in front of your friend, it is really alright to. nothing would happen. i would stand by you. maybe i know, in my years, i had no accomplishments. no big trophies. no good certificates. no fantastic results. but when i fall, i knew i had place to land on. i never regretted knowing all my friends. you're all the only ones i had in my years. and you even, my dear friend as always. there is no need to thank about. i understand perfectly. stay strong, my dear friend. thats the only thing we can do right now. lets dont care about other things. concentrate and focus on your studies. its an important year this year. and i really know i need not say much. you know what you're gonna do. hang on there. and if you cant take it, wanna let go, its alright too. keep going, friend. i would be there. just keep going. =)

Freunde. what i've gained all my life.

I'll be - Edwin McCain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love

I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above

I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, Remembered the things that you said

the song i loved always. i'll be everything you want. i swear. this life. you'll be. thanks for keeping my smile on. thanks for making my day as always and thanks for appearing in my life. it had been the greatest gift from god. and now whenever i'm feeling moody, i am thankful i had you around to keep me going on and the sight of you really makes me feel happier. people might not understand but its you i ever wanted this life. never wanted sth so much before but its you who keeps me going on and on.

After eight.

today's not much different though. still the same old boring school and lessons. i've changed somehow. maybe a part of me would not wanna let history repeats itself again, another part of me got the motivation somewhere. no more late nights equivalent to no more darkness in my world ever again. perhaps i got the strength from some unknown source and try to complete every work as fast as i can. hmmm my class seems kinda weird for me. a strange kind of feeling. like strangers studying in a same classroom. feels damn weird but who cares. i came alone. i leave alone. maybe one day we're be like a class. why it seems so weird everywhere i go. a kind of i don belong to anywhere feeling. yet i never lost my way. but im glad i found you. you're my strength for me not to collapse.

i jus read kentoh's blog and hahha your confessions. understood perfectly. the bond between you two is really strong. it is hard to even say it and i really can sense it. it is not gayism just sth which i really envied. the closeness between guys and girls are really different. guys never express much and they can shared a common telepathy. it is really indescribable. nanny sure feel the same way as you do. the indescribable bond between you two. really brothers. hahha.

love the after eight. melted but i still love it bcos its from you. i know you felt the same way too. :) our coincidences many a times. maybe. probably. the unknown source of strength comes from you.

-where i follow you go.

best of me.

here's sth thats nice! hahha simply love this nice. best of me by starting line.

Best of me - Starting Line.

Love this song simply. though old enough.

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is overyou can have the best of me

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again on two separate beds riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice and pictures drawn from memory

we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much to have had to let go

we turn our music down and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

chocolates and you go together.
chocolates and you make up my happiness!

each time i see ya, i know i would be even and even more sure that you're the one i want.

Wheel of happiness.

a dream carousel connects my ferris wheel to the garden festival!

i do feel stuck very often. stuck on you. perhaps.
simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

is my ferris wheel of happiness still turning?
is my dream carousel still turning?

keep turning, my happiness.

-oranged from the orange soda.

What's so wrong with being happy? I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal.When will we learn? When will we change?Just in time to see it all fall down.we are like frogs oblivious to the water starting to boil. No one flinches, we all float face down. when we would takeoff? when would we land?


this world sold its fate for parking lots and drunk sincerity.

got atarised. got oranged.

was out in town with ameee and went on to meet pei, ah be and karwei. we saw performances in town. some dance put up by some grps of people and then we went to esplanade and watched some undiscovered talent performed. it was really good. the singer was really fantastic and her voice is really good. she sang with a lot of emotions in her and i thought it was really good. she was indulging in her music and made the audience mesmerized by her voice. it was fun. damn cork.

when im with you, all i see is you. nothing else matters. is that a crime. im losing my mind. is that a crime to fall in love with you.

I saw history's henchman today again. i'm afraid of history repeating itself.
my thoughts wandered all around today.

so i pretend im doing all i can.
and i hope someday you'll find it in your heart.
I remember waiting for you to come.
I remember waiting for you to call.
Remember waiting and there to find nothing at all.

we had talks and i wasnt as lucky as i am now. i never got lucky before. i was practically falling everytime. it was always my darkest moments. it hurts damn bad everytime. it wasnt about finding someone better but about letting go to make things better. it wasnt about finding replacement to make myself better. it is jus making myself happier and to stay happy so that things wouldnt hurt that much and time is not a factor to be considered.

so to sum up all. happiness need not to be derived from the others but you can also find it alone. find reasons for your happiness!

beautiful sun.

after nights and days of downpour, and the sun is finally back. i like rainy days but im feeling so indifferent over these rainy days. that kind of feeling uncomfortable thru-out. the strange thing is that the sun feel so warm today. felt warmth. but it rained for a while again. the raindrops fell so comfortably again. it felt so cooling again. guessed i still love rain. but the beautiful sun is out. everyone's bright again.

guessed after so long, i really am showing my true smile again. i really felt happy i guess. a kind of simplicity. a kind of feeling contented. a kind of satisfaction with life again. and i hope it left a print tonight.

standing in the rain again. no more pathos this time.

i thank you for your surprise.

just a simple act.
it really touched me.
thanks for making today my day.

Tonight.

I lost.

I dont intend to say anything but i really cant see this anymore longer. I cant take it. We tried. We did tried our best to make you feel better. We put ourselves in your shoes. We spared a thought for you but have you? I seriously dont understand why must we do this. I seriously dont care but bcos we respect you. we're all friends. but have you? you're making life difficult for me. and you're getting me irritated. Initially i thought you're someone that i can really befriend and trust. but why do you wanna make things so hard for me? You can ask me not to waste your effort. you can tease me in front of him. you can do things that seems so heroic. but since you can be so heroic, why cant you accept all that? You tell me aint you acting hero? You can seems to almost let go and why are you doing all those so childish things. we consider your feelings and i cant possibly already communicate that much. you know it hurts me terribly. i admit defeat. can you let me off now. i really don wanna care you but bcos of respect as a friend. listen up; i am not happy. and i look down on you. tell me and ask yourself. what are you doing? you think you're in drama? and you get angry; why cant i? you are just someone so immature and dont know how to think. you're darn and real selfish. you only care for yourself. and it really hurts you know. this whole world not only you will be the only one getting hurt. what about people around you? i dont wanna mention anymore but i cant take it. it is damn hurting to me as well. can you wake up and be more sensible? it would be best if you can read my post. if you cant, then let me vent all my anger out. you dont know the beautiful term of a relationship or having feelings for someone. dont ruin the beautiful term. and honestly if i had to be that mean, i dont like the way you do things and the way you present yourself. i thought we can be good friends and you chose it that way so im fine with it. i really had a not bad impression of you in the past. i know i cant and have no right to say anything about you because im the one who hurts you badly but can you please understand. i cant even get close to someone i like when you're around. he's so afraid of hurting you or adding salt to your wound. but if you get to know, you'll probably think hes shit and hes jus pretending or im just siding him. can you open ur eyes wide enough to realise the wonders of life. dont forever revolve around emo. are you emotionally deprived? why are you adding pathos in your so called tragedy and making it seems so pathetic. can you please grow up and learn how to be a man. you know what i really detest abhor irritated pissed off disgusted by what you are doing right now. i know i shouldnt do this. i have no right or a say in what you are doing. but like you, i shared the same sentiments. i know its morally not right but i cant help feeling it this way what. i use the word-hate;too. cos similarly like you. you know its morally not right but you still hate me so i can tell you i shared the same sentiments as you. i aint care whether you like or what because you're pushing me off my limit. i dont care anymore. this is my blog. i type what i like. i dont care whatever whoever what are you guys thinking. why shiping is like that but can you try to be understandable. i need to keep my distance. i wanted to care. wanted to ask but i fear. in the end, i took courage to approach but because of you; everything felt colder than it was. i have my right. we kept distance. and i dont wanna bring up this bcos it seems so unreasonable to add on to his burden. i dont want to add on his stress. i would be so inconsiderate to do so but i cant hide. i am feeling unhappy. it hurts quite bad. and tell me what should i do? why cant we be like good friends in the past when i really felt you're true and sincere. i thought i could keep this friend. but if you wanna make everything so difficult, making everyone so embarrased then forget it. if you can do such heroic acts, it shows you can take it what; and a sign for me to hav more courage to step forward. it almost seems like your approval when i dont even need your approval. bcos i dont have any intention to hurt you. and if you cant take it, then don do these kind of things. you can get the wrong idea so do i. okay, i still need to thank you. i thank you for being there when i fell badly. thanks for not letting me collapse but im sorry if i ever let you misunderstand. i still believe you're true just dont know how to face when it comes to obstacles. and i jus hope you learn. im not saying that im so great or whatever but thats what i know. you're a good friend and hope you keep it that way. i hope you open up so i hope one day you would be fine. and i want to tell you, i want to be myself. i want to be shiping and i never liked pretending so i am not going to pretend or fake anymore. i'll be myself around everyone. i wont purposely hide. its very hard and tough for me to do so and its so hurting. i wouldnt want it. i hope you understand. not purposely to spite or what. i hate complications. very much so i just want to make everything as simple as possible. if you're still feeling anger in you; i guessed i wasted my time. it is never good to keep anger in you. it is never good to even have a temper. if no one ever told you, liked i said before. you seriously need to change your attitude. it would really benefit in future. you can ignore it but you'll suffer in future. no one asked for a change in order to click well. didnt ask you to change for us but for yourself. be happier. life's beautiful.

i lost. defeated completely. i didnt know what to do. i'm at a loss. im confused. i dont wanna hide myself but i dont know what is good. my sky is a little grey today; and my heart is the season of fall. maybe thats why these days, rain never stopped. i popped my head out of the window tonight, i really can hear peace. i hear nothing complicated. no complications. no noise. the pitter patter silent raindrops. i heard peace. i feel calm but the rain is pathetic. heaven add a lot of pathos for this rain. i feel like screaming. let the rain fall down and wake my dreams. let it wash away my sainity. i wanted heaven to take me away that moment. life's nothing but full of pathos and a certain time of rainbows. we all seemed to have lost our ways to rainbow paradise.

i wanted to be away. a paradise would be good. i kept thinking i rather be an eskimo who sat on ice cubes and fish whole day or poor villagers who roam ard the fields and explore the jungles or a farmer who plant rice and root them in the soil. i would fished for my simple life; would roam ard for happiness and explore my simplicity; would plant my simplicity and root my happiness down.

i wanna go crazy right now tonight. i want to shut down tonight.
can you protect me tonight. can you keep me from the rain tonight. can you stop me from feeling vulnerable.

will you please stop going around hurting people?

i guessed i watched too much television. loving the loved. de-hurt the hurt. i apologize sincerely for causing the hurts. i know nothing can make up for anything. that day as i stared blankly, images flashed across my mind. i did my reflections. i had done wrong. i made my mistake. and like the song, i got nowhere to run. i admit i am selfish. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i just wan to search for my happiness instead of waiting and i hurt people whom i never intended to. is it true. are you my happiness? why doubt; i know. but it seems almost unbelievable. i still cant imagine it.

and reality; like what i kept saying is different. reality is harsh is cruel is evil. its history's henchmen.
i am terribly sorry. hope this sincere apology of mine would minimise the pain that holds within.

i apologized. i am sorry.
i know i shouldnt feel this way but i cant help not to.

Whats happiness?

so many years of searching or waiting, had we found our happiness?

why do the television programmes always showed the beautiful side of r/s. a fairytale-like r/s. and whats different from reality? that reality where cruel evil are always associated with. what is a relationship actually? what is love? what is happiness? How long can happiness last?

i've been searching, been waiting. been thru so many futile attempts. got hurt found short lived happiness. and it never occured to me that i can ever find happiness. i never dreamt of never thought of. and now i feel i got it, what is it like? though i am happy but i couldnt stop frowning. somethings that look so impossible can be possible. i am the source of many unwanted troubles. causing that fret that troubled look on faces. it never never occured to me that one day i can find happiness. and now i finally did, and why is there obstacles facing me? what had heaven planned for me? actually to be true, im afraid. very afraid. afraid of getting into one. even falling in love in the first place. i thought the endings always the most hurtful but i didnt expect something different. but i cant help. cant control my own feelings. nothing really. am feeling numbed. still numbed somewhere there.

suddenly got so afraid of myself. who am i actually? what in the hell i am doing? what am i doing? i really have no idea. and some times in life, in fact most times, i hated myself for hating myself. i never got satisfied with myself. i really really have low esteem of myself. if you never know, i have very low confidence of myself. i know i aint someone great someone capable or someone talented. im just a very normal person, leading my simple life. wanted to be loved very much but hate myself for being so afraid.

I only wanted people to be true. and i really got no idea what am i doing in school. why must i carry fake smiles and talking rubbish to people who doesnt even really care, maybe. i jus want to find somewhere that i can belong to. jus that simple. maybe. the burdens in school though not work but the money is gettin real heavy. who in the hell would pay 175 for a calculator? i aint rich. a 175 i would consider. but i got no choice. i really hate myself for retaining. the new syllabus already seems so tough so challenging. plus the money spent in notes etc all over again. but what can i do? humans are already defeated by technology.

i try hard not to think of anything. not at the moment. but im tired. tired even before the real battle starts. tired of life. i know theres gotta be more in life but whats more? given a choice, i really wished i am the people of the past. with totally no technology but using own hands to scratch a living. i bet a million bucks they live more happier than us. i am willing to give up my computer my handphone for a living like that. but not now anymore. its totally impossible to even get such a tedious yet simple life.

the complications in the real hard world. the reality. i really hate it. reality is so different. the world really is so complicated. thats why it seems sad. add a lot of pathos in it.

literature is not the subject for me but the only thing i enjoy doing lit is the story. the outline of the novel. the interesting details of the novel. and somehow it let you discover many other different things. a different kind of reality. and it really gets ur mind to move. to think about every single thing the novel thought you. and you applied it to real life. our harsh reality. and i learnt escapism. i learn how to escape from things. how to run away from all the troubles. some of the main themes in lit novels. escapism. though i prefer to confront and be clear of everything. but i cant help but liking the idea of escapism. you see nothing in fact. nothing bothers you as well. i really miss god of small things. a terrible novel. a tragedic one. though not very much counted as. and i liked learning how roy writes. the story of the novel. yes thats it. the only thing i liked in literature. the best part. liked roy for being herself for being in her world when she wrote the novel.

i have no idea since when i like to let my thoughts roam around. sometimes, it isnt a good thing. the more you think, the more you hurt yourself. and the more you hurt yourself, you shut down and you discover nothing at all. life's seems to turn meaningless. probably i am like estha and rahel. their simple yet complicated minds. they're simple but they think complicated.

i cant say. i dont know whats bothering me maybe jus a bug in me. i jus feel so irritated and deprived of emotions. i jus feel like saying things out in me when i dont even know what. thats why i said my own piece of junk. what am thinking?

maybe like estha, like everyone.
shiping occupied very little space in the world.

things can change in a day.

man's subliminal urge to destroy what he could neither subdue nor deify. the evil men. is it history's henchmen? Impelled by feelings that were primal yet paradoxically wholly impersonal. Feelings of contempt born of inchoate, unacknowledged fear - civillazation's fear of nature, men's fear of women, the power's fear of powerlessness.

what is man? why does man sounds so fearful? to destroy what he could neither subdue nor deify?

and where can i find my happiness after waiting after searching? probably the answer still with these demons. i found mine but the unacknowledged fear burns in me.

been indulging in chocolates and revolving around starting line,ataris and gc.
the sky is still raining. it hadnt stop probably all the way back to last night. is this weather supposed to be good? rainy days made people worst off. feeling more moody but it makes me feel relaxed and calm.. maybe even happier. but today's rain seems so pathetic. what is the sky trying to show me? it seems so down and sad. i dont know how everything is right now. making people vexed and more vexed. sounds saddening perhaps. such an ending wouldnt be good. in fact, its really a totally messed up. why would this happen? we got blessings and the other sides of it as well. why couldnt things be simple? i hate complications. very much. but if things were simple, that wouldnt be life. and all the more, things getting worse. trouble-free, everyone.

hahha alright. here's sth for leisure. to brighten everyone's up. a video i caught in secondary days. a damn lame video. hahha cone sounds cute.

the starting line - the ataris.

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone.
the worst is over.
you can have the best of me.
we got older but we're still young.
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up.


for the sake of making a statement.
let’s make our presence known.
let’s show them what were made of.
we'll show up in our outfits we planned ahead.
to meet the qualifications for a special occasion.
today is your day; today is our day.
making up for lost time,making a scene.


The lights are out in the city tonight
So close your eyes, gaze up at the heavens
And see if you can point me out

If I could have one wish tonight
I'd wish upon a satellite
To bring me back to you
We spend our whole lives searching for
All the things we think we want
And never really knowing what we have

Be careful what you wish for
These stars are fading out.


These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.


Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true


Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart;
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are.


life is only as good as the memories we make
and i'm taking back what belongs to me
polaroids of classrooms unattended
these relics of remembrenceare just like shipwrecks
only they are gone faster than the smell after it rains

based on a true story.

people often said girls are sources of trouble.
but why does such things happen when i always claimed im a guy/bung.

what have i done?
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead.

really totally moodless to think of anything else more.

back to the starting line. based on a true story.

no more darkness. a new beginning and a simple one too.

i'm happy with the way everything is right now.
loving our simplicity. :)

-you seemed like my antidote for my unhappiness.

merry-go-round,
my happiness.

Confessions part IV.

For the unspoken "best friend",

i understand what ya goin thru, and im really want to stand with you and go thru all these shit together. and all those unwanted thoughts, we'll make it go away, alright? really wanna destress you. and make you happier. though i dont know what to do, how to react. i'm sorry for being so stupid today and for telling you all that kind of shit. but jus don care all these for this moment, we will find a way to solve it, wont we? hahha i bet it would be stupid if others happened to look at my blog. probably looked so stupid. but i really wanna tell ya that you means a lot to me. i really dont know why i got that kind of feeling. i really never met someone like you too. i really dont know how to explain but im really sorry for telling you all those unwanted thoughts today. and making you so unhappy. but i aint gonna care anymore already. and i dont know how to make you smile again. i want you to be happy every moment. i can tell you're so stressed up and so tired. i feel so helpless. i really dont know what to do but hopefully you see this post, it can make you smile. I really wanna take away all the stress in you. just dont go and bother with all other not worth mentioning stuff, and just have that bu guan bu zai hu attitude. we'll settle it when we're stress free alright. it seems kinda weird to express what am i thinking all down here. and dont feel sorry for not being able to make me happy. actually somehow it saddens me when you're so upset down there. but try to stay positive, so you can be happy and i will too! jus want you to understand, you still have me around. and even the world collapse, you wont collapse. i wont let you collapse. be strong. just be strong a bit this period. we'll overcome it together okay! really hope i can do something about it but i dont know what. jus hope this lil encouragment from me would makes you feel better. hang on.. no matter what, i really will be there. really seems weird to say something like that. like confessions. yeah and i know you can do it! i might seems so foolish jus now but i gave a thought, i realised it doesnt really matter. i know you're true, thats enough. and really dont take all my words seriously, jus forget about it okay? and im sorry for the 10% today. i dont know what can i do to make up for it. though i understand your situation. you dont want me to apologize because you think im not in the wrong but i can only apologize to make cos i wanna make you feel better. i really dont know what to say about that. i know you got the same feeling as me. you dont want to be bothered by such small incident, like only 10% but in fact you're a bit affected. you didnt make me promise you not to think over these incidents but i really didnt give much thought about it. thanks. maybe not telling you sorry already but thanks. really thanks. thanks for being so understanding and knowing what to do what am i thinking about. thanks for understand what i wanna say even if i cant find a way to say what i want. i knew it from your eyes. you really understand so thank you! i believe. future. present. everything about you. i dont know why but you're really special. i really can see forever. i have faith in you! sometimes, i really can feel that you felt my unspoken language. my unspoken thoughts. and you understood me. i dont need to say much or even anything and you understood perfectly. thanks for the simplicity you gave me. it seems really different. the kind of bond we shared. a different kind of intuition we shared. maybe thats why the feeling is different. maybe thats why you're so different from other people as well. you always made my day. and never failed to make me smile for nuts. you really touched me for what you had done. i really dont care what the rest thinks and i really want to tell you- i love you.

yours faithfully,
shiping.


For a brave soul- friend,

yeah today another damn day. had been talking to my friend for quite some time and i realised many things of her. i really felt so hurt for her deep down. i began to know more of this good friend. i understand why. i really dont know what to say to her but jus lend a listening ear. for all along she didnt tell us much and her refusal in being so bonded with us. i finally know why. and all these people who said all that to her, i really dont know what more to say. but if im there, i would definitely stand up for her cos shes my friend. really i felt so different. when she told me all that. i really felt so hurting. might even teared bcos i really understand. she almost had no one to depend on and i really admire her courage and understand the pain shes going thru. just be strong, friend. everything would be fine alright. i know you can do it, cos you're brave. much more stronger than me. i really understand why. you dont need to say much. i understand perfectly. and really felt the pain. try to stay happy and dont get affected. sometimes in life, we meet different people and different people made us stronger or weaker. and maybe thats life. damn. and mean people often made us stronger so thank them. they strengthen our determination. and you would meet true people who come in time for support to hold you to prevent you from falling to prevent you from collapsing. her matured thinking really won me respect at times. and dearest friend, i know you can do it. and no matter what, we would be there. i would.

yours sincerely,
shiping.

Reality.

Currently at rebecca's house ZBL!!.. alright, today's the first day of school and im feeling somehow different.

i went in class and all the new faces i really feel so uncomfortable with..i still missed that bunch of people corking around..

i guess good times never last..

yeah and then im really looking forward to 9 where the talks start.. so that i can run away and meet the other rfc's retainees..and the feeling was damn different..its like what the hell am i doing here? i feel so uncomfortable and especially without kentoh and paulin's presence and a really hard chance to see jerry and all.. sat in the canteen without the usual crappings from our president and paulin..the canteen nt lively nt funny anymore.. they are like the main lead in rfc.. the soul in rfc.. guess everyone felt the same way as well.. really..school's real damn different.. when will i get used to it again?

we went out of school at ard 11 because we simply couldnt stand the sight of yj perhaps and really zbling... maybe without president and all, canteen seems so dead and the urge to get out of the school.. unlike the past, we can stay in yj canteen for hours and hours..

and probably J2s and J1s dont have the chance to meet that often.. we're like all going all different routes.. guess thats life.. and rebecca said we must accept the fact.. i guess so but thats gonna be real tough.. damn.. and i missed my class too.. that 127'05..and i hadnt seen amee in school as well.. wonder how is she.. and how shes gonna take it with no one close ard.. and zebelty as well.. really dont know what to say about them already.. we must face reality i guess.. reality.. such a heavy word.. sighs and we're only a bunch of 17,18,19s.. life's so.. supposed to be quite happy and quite looking forward because its first day of school but we are only bringing our empty souls, unhappy thoughts to school.. feel quite down actually but everyone is trying to make the unhappy thoughts go away with that reluctant smiles.. really.. i can see no one is actually happy deep down..

its so different so funny.. the feeling is really hard to express.. that kind of unspoken unsaid feelings.. not feeling good!! but these really shows the the other side of life.. the humane side.. the side where we really showed our feelings out.. we're true thats why it hurts now.. really damn damn damn..damn hurting.. the kind of hurt that is really unsaid unspoken.. nothing can be expressed easilly.. and really.. im not feeling good at all.. something's amiss.. everything's different.. everyone's the same..

and this morning saw hedi when walking to bus stop..hahha miss that girl.. dont know why some kind of different emotion is really stirring out of me.. and i still remember still remember.. i got retained.. which is why mum and dad got so tensed and so strict with me nowadays.. and especially when they found out ytd..probably my hell days are nearing.. what can i do at home? what can i do now?

i miss that amk. miss that stadium.

we're only lonely.

not feeling good. not feeling good. damn hurting. hell.

i really feel like tearing. damn.

i dont know why but it hurts so badly now. why should it be even this way?
what should i do?
nothing is able to heal that empty soul inside.

what am i thinking?

currently listening to simple plan's i'm just a kid.
really.. life's a nightmare.. i know that its not fair..
what have we done? should i even said we deserved it?
i really dont know why but i feel so childish.. complaining nothing's fair..
i know i know i know that life but i cannot accept it.. really..
aint we jus kids?

shut up shut up shut up

staring at everything. red-coloured.
thinking of everything. blue-coloured.

feeling so unfair. go to hell!!!!! life!!

i really dont wanna fall to pieces.
give me some motivation please.
to get up and to really get up.

and i remembered a cinderella story..
duff was telling chad michael..

"i got to go.."
"where?"

"reality."

year 2005

year 2005.
what should i say?
i retained but probably its still the best year of my life.
because of the best things that had happened.

especially rfc. and the 3 girls i known - joanne, ruis, amee.
and all my close friends that stood by me always- gera, hedi and carmen.

i dont know why. i wanted to write what i feel so much but i still cant bcos i know there would be people who read my blog and i cant write freely.

to a someone, it wasnt me who changed. it wasnt me who never liked you before. i did really devote all the true me in it. but somehow i realised it shouldnt be like this since dont know when. so you should start to give some thinking. we're never suitable. maybe you will realised it someday if you meet someone you really feel comfortable with and someone who thinks what you are thinking about. and most importantly, someone who you dont have to purposely go to accomodate with and yet we can be ourselves. so jus forget the past. hmmms if you ever still read my blog, yeah. and i really dont care anymore. just hope you feel better.

to another someone, look beyond yourself. dont hold on, let go might be some better way out. don need to act hero, just stay simple. whatever it is, i dont know about you but if its me, i would let go because i would wan the other party to be happy. perhaps, opening up would be better for you. open up to many many things. you will realised that even raining is a happy season. everything would be happy instead of black-coloured or red-coloured. the world is so much happier and you would be happier.

can you all just wished for my happiness?

i dont want to care anymore. but still, i want to consider people's feelings. but love is selfish isnt it. and can you all let me stay happy a bit? dont tell me how you people are feeling anymore. i wished i can dont care but still it will affect me bcos everyone in this world are supposed to be happy.

i found my happiness. found someone whom i really want to find.
this is the only wish i had for 2006.
i wanna stay happy. thats all.

my last post about the unfinished stuff in 2005.
those unsaid unspoken stuff that i wanted to mention but didnt.

i dont wanna think anymore. i don wan to be oblivious to what is happening around. it hurts you but it hurts me as well. cant you all let me be happy?

hahha okay! thats set!

i want to bu guan! bu zai hu!
i will be myself from this moment on.
i wouldnt purposely tried to hide myself.
and if you still consider you guys as gentlemen,
then know wad to do already!!

i found someone whom i really like. =D
and fireworks never seemed so beautiful before!

and im enjoying my simple life.

2006 here i come!
though i can never forget the people in 2005,
but i still welcome a new 2006.