sum-up of one of the bad times. i managed to make myself smile in some occasions and some not. i didnt know what i was going through the whole day. i sat there at times awake, most of times i was never awake. i just watched myself fade away. died away. i just plunged to death. monday madness. i think i saw the light. almost soon. i'll leave soon. almost soon. i think i saw the note. goodbye monday.

and the song keeps on repeating in my mind over and over again. goodby e motional monday. i'll see you next week. i was there standing in the middle of the roads. the lights shone on me as if i was the centre of attraction. i was tearing and perspiring. i dont know what i saw. i saw bright white lights, the track and the green grass.

it is downpour now. why do differences appear now. why do i keep pretending every now and then. i dont know how to leave the armour behind. but i can never walk well with it. it is too heavy and dragging me down. i dont know how. if i leave my armour down, will i keep floating till gravesend. walking out is already the first hard step to make. i will never make things right with this armour of mine. i cant handle this. i am breaking down. breaking into a million pieces. and i can never get things right, i can never fix this. i wish the world was silence. i wish for silence in the world. i wish i was blind for a moment. i wish i never open my eyes again for this moment. i wish i was dead. i wish i was lying on the hospital bed. at least i can take off my armour. at least i can float. float away from human relations. float away from earth. and never set foot on earth ever again. because it is so complicating here. because thoughts never die. because there can never be peace on earth. there is a huge disaster outside. everyone is running in the streets. there is no peace. in the end people become so unhappy about everything. and they find trouble everywhere. and a group of them are left there so fearful. and tearful. only silence except for this song that is running thru my head. there is noise. no more heaven. people can float not because they have wings. because they are only left with their soul. a mistake that cause the world set into darkness. a mistake that shook the earth up. a mistake that is unaccounted for. a mistake she set into misery. i couldnt write if i see the saddest song. the phrase of pretence. somebody took the key away. they couldnt find the key to everything. so they spoilt it. they destroyed the door. when at the first place, it was the door they needed. how i wish i can have wings. it works better than having a car. at least i will be able to reach a paradise with wings. she doesnt understand. i scream at her many many times. why is she so foolish and make stupid mistakes. i shout at her. but she doesnt seem to heard what i've said. the night is cold. i controlled her but she still couldnt react to me. all she see is darkness. she merely want to find a place where she is treasured. i wouldnt allow her because i couldnt find that place. i could never. but she does not give up. she want to feel importance. but the current place doesnt allow her to feel that way. but rest assured. i wil never let her find that place. because i can never find it. the world can never exist with me and her alone. because i will be depressed. easilly. and often. because she cannot occur when im around. because tonight's downpour. im drenched. totally.




为甚么不说心里话

come back down

weird feelings. i dont know how to describe it but it is coming over me. i'm tired. every second makes me feel more tired now. feeling heavy. like im sinking. sinking in the dead sea. life really drains me. i dont know to arrange my time. i love hanging out with the boys. as much as i told myself to control, the more i could not do so. maybe that moments with them will drive all the unhappiness away. but whenever i reach home i still sigh cos its almost ten plus when im done with bathing and etc. cant seem to find myself to do work right now. so i came for songs. came to rant out all the feelings. i know i shouldnt get affected easilly. or influenced. but at that moment, nothing seems to be wrong. and i hate taking bus rides now other than it allows me to sleep. i kept taking buses 854 and 853 so at least i can talk to meh or the boys for a while. maybe thats why 857 waiting time and journey seems long nowadays. maybe lifes like that now.

there was moments when thoughts intersect and i couldnt shake off the thought. all i know is that-

i couldnt co-exist

gravesend

i realised whenever i drank nescafe's coffee. im bound to shit. like nobody business. F man. im damn tired. j2 life sucks totally. i cant seem to finish the homework no matter what. even if i stayed till 3am or wake up at 5am to do.

i predict a hell 2007. really got no life at all. sign from lectures to lectures from tutorials to tutorials and YJ is pestering me with useless stuffs like banner-making etc. and the only thing they will do for you is to tell you that it is our responsibility to invove. sigh i really think year 2 is not the year for you to get involved with too much things. too much commitment. sigh.

like studies, i really want 5As you know.
like floorball, i really want that gold trophy you know.
like captain, i really want canberra to stand together you know.

sigh, i always got many to complain but they will only tell you its your responsibilty. sigh but sometimes right, dont have to give us our responsibilty without looking at how can we do that. somethings are just so out. it takes time and time. i havent been sleeping well. i go nowhere except school, northpoint and home.

sigh so please dont give me too much work. dont force me. it is not that we're irresponsible, it is that it is hard to find people and to do it. and it is so pointless for feedbacks.

i really hate life now. i hate people forcing me to my limits.

sigh gotta go back to school for a thousand reasons. no. they find a thousand excuses to make me go back to the school.

off to bed. no work today.
it is a friday and im tired enough.

gravesend-

featherlike

nescafe's original or the mocha is my best medicine nowadays. i really cant keep awake while doing work. laughter's the best medicine for staying awake during lectures and tutorials. like when i boarded bus home today i was telling myself it was a short journey so i shouldnt sleep so i wouldnt miss my stop. but in the end, i slept like nobody's business. sometimes i just wish for a bus that i could sleep throughout and once i wake up, it would stop at my house.

i love bus rides; somehow. in general, i do like bus rides. maybe i'm feeling good these days. maybe im really happy cos i didnt complain a bit when my bus didnt come. it really is different when you are in high spirits and low spirits. i was very positive. like i have been modulus a million times.

i really do feel comfortable with the way everything is right now. maybe i haven got much to commit. to really pay attention to commit. and i haven got much time to bother. or maybe i feel ease right now. like i can do whatever i like with no one to hold me back or no one to affect my decisions. like the world wouldnt stop right now. i see days go by. i feel all four seasons. like i feel light. and i goes perfectly with the weather now.

all i need now is a perfect sweater or a jacket. to keep me from the cold. maybe its time for my jacket to retire. if you wanna know how i feel now, its like hiding inside the jacket with the cold weather outside. comfortable and easy.

i really feel so much lighter. i try to laugh all day long. i love the company i get. all day long. even if i have all the homework in the world.

welcome to planet earth hahha! im a certified earthian.

maybe this laughing life is like my secondary days. like i never got bored with school before ever.

threw everything on the ground and float off ground. to a rainbow paradise.

do you know i am very saddened by the death of a snail today. i love snails cos i always think they're brave and strong. and some kukumalu crushed it. OMG. i shifted snails my whole life and i should have shifted this poor little one. during floorball training, omg. snails are my best motivators on earth other than adam khoo and donald trump. im full of guilt.

i probably have the weirdest thinkings. but actually if we separate people one by one, everyone's weird in some other ways. i hate bananas and i love raining seasons and i love snails. people normally think im a weirdo when i start to smell rain. but its so nice. only fel will agree with me. miss the times we stare at rain; somehow.

i miss the roof where we gaze at stars at night; when my heart beats when i see you.
i miss the roof where we sat at the playground in late afternoons.
i miss the table where we coloured notes with markers.
i miss the catching up with you and singing garden festival along.
i miss the eggtarts, the fishball, whipped potato and the laksa.
i miss the saddest song.
i miss the canteen.
i miss the dark mornings.
i miss complaining with you.
i miss the times during literature lessons where we laugh and ate.
i miss the times during chinese lessons when i look over at you.
i miss the times we went for tomyam.
i miss the times we stayed in school to talk.
i miss walking home with you.
i miss the station at the swing.
i miss the times you walked me home.
i miss the water war in class.
i miss the simplest things in life.
the most happiest days in my life.
the safest times.

i miss all the best moments in my life.
although i tried my best to captured it all,
now i am only left with an unclear impression.

all the hot afternoons in summerville.

only if you were my friend.

somehow;

stressed with a big mountain of work
but i think
i love school life; somehow.

from lessons to lessons, from laughing to laughing.

people do lighten my school life a lot man. school is so much easier to go through((:

maybe 2007's different. green apple juice and nescafe is a must. one for the diet, one for the energy. i miss green tea. hahha.

i sounded happy right. i think i am quite.
i laugh all day long.

although somehow; i miss the one whole row of people sitting in the canteen as usual. somehow i walk around school with unknown faces. but still, the familar ones make my day.

absence makes life simpler; somehow
out of that 1440, somehow i managed well

COUNTRYROAD TAKE ME HOME=D

somehow;

stressed with a big mountain of work
but i think
i love school life; somehow.

from lessons to lessons, from laughing to laughing.

people do lighten my school life a lot man. school is so much easier to go through((:

maybe 2007's different. green apple juice and nescafe is a must. one for the diet, one for the energy. i miss green tea. hahha.

i sounded happy right. i think i am quite.
i laugh all day long.

although somehow; i miss the one whole row of people sitting in the canteen as usual. somehow i walk around school with unknown faces. but still, the familar ones make my day.

absence makes life simpler; somehow
out of that 1440, somehow i managed well

COUNTRYROAD TAKE ME HOME=D

i think i give it up. its not worth the effort or time. even though i hate miserable times like now, i hate the times i am left alone more. like you watch me bleed and you never bother. its useless. the disconnected number i still call. please leave. go away like you always did. i'm so glad that i dont have to look at it for now. cos it really fucking irritates me. i hate being seen as stupid and dumb. i could have not bothered but i just dont feel good. now i regretted. because i dont felt appreciated at all. why couldnt you at least - cos i am down. cos i called the disconnected number again and again and it never show any signal. cos you used to be there. mentally but not anymore now. and not anymore. one day - and you wont be there anymore. both. and that day i couldnt take it, i just leave this town and never return again. walking out on you.

stop telling me useless stuffs like that cos i'll never listen to you again. agony and pain to the heart. things that i heard doesnt reinforce your actions. i hate those times. i hate times like now and i swear one day-

please take me away from you;

heavens take me with you and set the earth raining once again

hot summer.
we're now victims of hot summer.

i hate those times. that everyone's upset. and it was a boring week. tiring one. 07 doesnt seem well. hope summer doesnt last. and make it all nice for all of us please. probably i didnt feel good at all. please show me some nice side of yours if not i never want to see you again. being naive isnt the same as being foolish.

first lesson of 07. and im going to learn more.
dont look as if you're going to break.

the friday sun bears down again as we drive without friends and on these longest days we spend all the time trying to pretend that our stories could be true our chance to be cool the setting down says the day is through if only we knew and we all sit around here in our home town listen to the waves as they all crash down and watch the fire as it slowly burns away glowing embers lie across the sky here by my side, in my summer, our last summer the world passes by in my summer, our last summer the light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer the view from our last summer we trace the sun across the sky and we laugh till we cry always so hard to say goodbye and we all sit round here in our home town It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss the memories, I hope theyll never fade I would stop time to stay with you I would stop time so we don't move I would stop time I would stop time I would stop time to keep you here by my side, in my summer, our last summer the world passes by in my summer, our last summer the light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer

these are times we'll miss the memories;
our last summer

3rd jan 2007

i'll be fine.

4th jan 2007

i gotta run.

orientation keeps me busy. and i am kinda enjoying it. sometimes, prefer to be busy then to be so free and do nothing. at least i know i dont have much time so i dont waste my time so much. but right now, there is like a thousand things to commit to. im just being lazy to commit to everything.

i think i am too tired to think right now.

happiness is short-term
when it is derived from oneself.

confidence go togther with life
up and down
until we no longer know who we are.

resolutions kept secret.
because i dont know. dont really know.

maybe trying hard

rain stopped.

a good or bad thing.

it must be the songs again
that got the rain into my eyes.