Rfcism.

i thought of these two lines.

Are you laughing all the time?
You might be suffering from rfcism.

similar to that advert..

Are you crying all the time?
You might be suffering from depression.

actually i don know how i actually feel right now..

was asked to repeat and "advised" to go to poly.
but im really taking it quite well..

or rather.. after everything ends..
i jus feel lighter..
and that heavy burden of studies i had been carrying thru the year had been gone.

people cried like shit.

but not really for me.
I cannot say i put in my best effort.
but i can say i put my best effort in promos exam.

I excel myself..
breakthrough from what i can actually do..
imagine.. to get a pass for maths..
when i had not been passing maths for the whole year..
dont you just feel happy for me?
I really am delighted when i saw that.

And right now im at the crossroads.. not knowing where to head to..

to repeat or to go poly..

i like college's environment..
not yishun junior college but overall junior colleges..

everyone's like a family..
we're united.. unlike in poly..
we go as we like.. nobody cares..
our feelings might not be totally true and sincere..

______________________________________________

I think i've decided..
I really want to go to a poly.. to start afresh..

and staying in this fucked up school is totally pointless.

since the school doesnt welcome me..
i'll get lost.. and i don care if you guys are gloating over it..
i make sure i will make it someday and make this fucked up school meets their doom..
so jus gloat for this period of time..
i'll prove you people wrong..
I go..

________________________________________________________________

Freak.
I am having that chocolate temptations every moment.

that day head down to candy empire and bought this 5 mouthful chocolates for $2.20.
damn freaking expensive but it tastes good and now im craving for it every second.

I think i am suffering from some kinda weird disease.
and my msn nicks says right now..
"my medical report had shown i'm suffering from chocolatism."
and i really need chocolates..
chocolates, please.

I am drinking milo for substitution and i cant take it anymore.

Do i look as if im nuts?

Come to think about it.
chocolatism isnt a good thing.

I had been throwing tantrum for the entire day man.
sorry those peeps for being targetted on.

alright.
went roger's place for nothing.
i claimed crabs and spagetti
and ha ha ha sorry peeps.

so in the end jus a small hang out..
isnt too bad right.

went for shakespeare's macbeth play held by some TNT theatre britain.
well the play wasnt too bad.
but it was really hard to try to understand what the heck they're talking.
lucky i read the book before and phew..

it was quite impressive actually..
my first time to a play like that..
and umm quite interesting and comical though its a tragedy play.

guess i would missed literature that much.
though i cant really score in it.

hmmms but some parts of the play were a bit kinda different to asian's mind.
Asian's not that open really so might expect a few gasps at what the actors were doing right.
and its a quite high classed play held in Raffles Hotel..

not too bad..
at least i enjoyed with the peeps i went with.
Joanne, Ruis, Amee, Felicia and Row.

Finally we had a chance of going out together.
me joanne ruis and amee.
really miss you guys tons.

tmr's outing: fellow rfcians again!! =D
cooking lunch and kite flying.

thats my rfcism.

the fucked up school.

the fucked up school.

teared again. horribly again.

sat at some place near my house which i really like.
a big empty open space where no one can find me.

was wishing for the rain to fall..
was waiting for rain to fall..

the sky was overcast and there was lightnings..

hoping it struck me..

someone found me in the end.
i really teared like fuck.

looking so shagged.
so vulnerable so weak.

-let the rain fall down and wake my dreams..

let it wash away my sainity.

i am really angry.
angry for what has happened.
why is it so god damn unfair.
i kept swearing.
that damn school.
fuck to you.
the principal and everything.
and i really had the urge to barge into that damn conference room
and to said FUCK YOU!
i am really very rash and impulsive.

do you think you can survive with a bunch of students who know nuts about failure?
and when they couldnt take it next year when its more stressful, they will probably screwed it all.

they had never been thru failure and they never experience it for most of them.
and we, being so sincere so determined, only want to prove everyone right.
to show the world we can do it..
and no one ever gave us a chance..

paulin's right. the yellow ribbon project.
is that how you answer to minister's call.
what kind of gracious society you wanna develop?

waiting all the way till 8+pm in school..
we didnt even have dinner, who pitied us?
dont tell us we deserved it.
we might be but we deserve a chance as well.

this school is really damn fucked up.

i walked out the fucked up school
and i really shouted and i mean it.

even your students hate your school?
what kind of school is it?
to anyhow allow people at whatever points to get in your fucked up school?
saying about how everyone should be given a chance at whatever points
for what? BULLSHIT.
to kick more people out or to retain more people.
jus don act gracious. fucked up school.

the teachers here are just equal to corrupted.
corrupted teachers who are like blind to things around them.

don pretend, teachers.
dont act. cut out all your nonsense.
damn fake.

i really had enough.
i hate the system.
its the people im unwilling to let go.
other than that. i swear i gonna make hell if i leave the school.

don pretend to be gracious right.
go to hell, fucked up school.

teared the entire night.
about friends.
about myself at the crossroads.

where to go?
im totally lost.
everyone's gging different ways.
how is it that i am going to take it?

i almost lost it all today.
totally defeated.

I am really not happy about it.

i am going to fight for my rights.
even though i don wan to stay in this fucked up school.

what kind of holistic education your school is giving?

jus fuck off lar, fucked up school.

the unspoken of - last memories

totally alright.

jus whenever speak of friends,
i probably cant take it.
probably teared.

everyone would be going different ways.
and even though we chose different paths..
be it retain, be it poly be it promote..
i hope everyone would stay united
lets all follow what is said of us
rfc-united!

and as i read rfc's blog, less active than before
but still that kind of shit.
our confessions by each individual
and all our gratitude to one another

it really is very touching.

the rfcians (without the complications *winks!)

kentoh - president of rfc!
paulin - secretary of rfc!
roger ong- our idol!
shiqi- mrs roger!
jerry- gou zai dui of rfc!
ck- some act jap!
weijun- my 2.5 million and dicky!
zebelty- club queen?
jun nan- everyone's nam gor!
rebecca- pei pei!
sheng yu- sheng yu pian!
desmond- some hokkein beng!
joel- our beckham
kailiang- canberra partner!
soon kuey- soonkuey lar, what else?
nicholas- ni ke le si!

without them, these guys out here..
i bet my life in yj will suck that much..

i love them all a lot..
and they really made my day each time.

they had really been a best part of my life.

they are all very nice people.
and everyone of us..

in such a short period of less than a year,
we knew each of our own weakness and strengths..
theres nothing much more to hide with them

from yjc's canteen to angmokio hawker to geylang to airport

filled with memories. unspoken of.

we had smash cake sessions for our fellow rfcians' birthdays.
like what shiqi said..
"spirit of rfc will always be ard in sch. just like the mark that was left behind on the wall by the cake we threw. (:"

i dared to say, we lived up the yjc canteen.

we did all sort of things.
from poker to water wars to smash cakes to talk cork.

and i really can never said enough of them

our favourite hang out was the ang mo kio's hawker.
cos we loved the food there and especially the hokkein mee.
the cai tau kuey, the big big chocolate ice kacang and etc etc.

maybe not the food is really special in some way
but the people you eat with are really special..

every lame thing you think of, we sure thought of.

to chiong all the way to geylang for tau huey..
and to spot prositution..
though lame but darn funny..

to chiong to east coast park..
cos we feel like it..

to chiong to airport..
cos we liked the airport.. the environment..
and some even sleep over at the airport..

to go to sentosa..
and laughing at one another for being red..
the sun-burnt rfcians.

to go for steamboat at roger's place..
to stand and kiap whatever food..
watched vcds and played mahjong..

and not to mention rfc's somewhat's sports day..
more like excercise day where we played all kind of sports..
from tennis to soccer to basketball..

and gging for some street soccer court for soccer
when we jus wore our yjc uniforms without proper attire
and to joke around and cork..

and to take photos and photos..
plenty photos..

and to go for karoke
to get the emo bug off some peeps (x.x)

and then go for movie and movies.
when we laugh as much as we can.

we didnt feel embarrassed anymore.
we shout we laugh we scream in public.
in town in wherever.

have you seen 4 guys carry one guy walking thru shops in suntec.

well thats rfc.

and never forgetting the rapes we often hear.
the word- rape.
where all the guys pounce on that unlucky fellow and strip!!
and then R-A part!
and every guy in rfc got raped.
even the fittest cannot survive hehh!

and our ban lucks sessions.
gambling and gambling.

have you seen any groups played poker openly in the canteen?

thats rfc.
totally didnt have any precautions about teachers.

the most heartwarming thing is everyone had presents.
a bag, a wallet, a cake etc.. some practical things..

and our crocodile game.

have you seen a bunch of uniformed big boys and big girls playing at the playground?
and moreover, playing crocodile.

thats rfc.

and have you ever see a group dressed nicely andplaying twister at the esplanade?

and have you seen a whole big group spend hours in toy'r'us.
and have you seen rfc's big toy bag? filled with monopoly, twister, poker, chess, stacko etc

and our rfc's pet - aku?
a praying prantis but we showed a lot of effort and care at it.

have you seen a whole bunch of uniformed kids going to sembawang park to catch crabs?
caught 2 medium crabs and shouting for joy.
splashing water to catch fish and crabs.

have you seen us drinking?
when we get high and we laugh uncontrollably.

have you heard laughters?

thats rfc.

we did the unimaginable.

we are kids.
we only want to be kids and live like kids.
we want to be us.

have you seen a whole bunch of kids with kind heart?
letting old folks seats on the bus.
donating to people who are performing.

we only want to have fun.
we enjoyed.

i never regretted coming to yj.
i take this as a learning experience.
and i left this place with memories.

i never never regretted knowing you people.

i wasnt really upset about retaining.
im really upset about each one of us.

those who got retained were lost and couldnt take it.
those who got promoted are worried for the rest.

our journey has ended.
but i dont want to let go.
hopefully, we can still meet up if possible.

i keep all these memories.

i am quite sure that we would split.
thats life.
i know.
but i dont wanna face this fact for nuts.

i don wanna lose this bunch of people.

i really hope we wouldnt.

my life is really enriched this year.

what i have learnt in school isnt a waste too.
i learn things that cannot be taught.
and i learn things that were taught.

i did studied and i got quite enough.

the activities- obs, school events.. everything..
i never regretted..
i 'm sure i couldnt find this anywhere..

i love you people.
you guys let me realised that life isnt just like that.
jus like promoting and studying.

and because of you guys, i guess i had grown stronger.
much more stronger.
without you guys around, i guess i couldnt take the fact of retaining that easilly.

thanks, rfcians.

i don know what to say.
but if tears fall, its not the emo bug anymore.
its not bcos of promos anymore.

its you guys.
i really don wanna part with.

guess its hard to hear kentoh's jokes again.
his "ni jue de hen hao xiao mah?"
and his wont laugh face when he made a joke.
and the joker who really made our rfc much more fun.

and paulin's "can-a-nut?"
she can think of all kind of things that no one can thought of.
the pro pocket-tearer and as well as buttons too!

shiqi's "ha ha ha.. bu hao xiao!"
and her laughter will set everyone's laughter on!

roger ong's bei lan", "yes, wo ying le!"and "damn niao"
forever damn cork and super super noisy..

rebecca's hand when she tries to speak and to defend herself.
and my mate when board 857.. the rides are not lonely anymore.

nam gor's funny reactions when comes to things
sometimes when he talk solemnly, it might not be total wise advice, he is corking too!

jerry's "shi shi shi ping" can really go damn high pitch sia..
my bung brother who always want to snatch my no.1.

zebelty's want to laugh, dont want to laugh face.
my number 1 as always ha ha ha.

sheng yu's monk face. getting more and more cork.
and i still like calling him sheng yu pian.

kailiang's really darn funny expressions.
and my qing lu zhuang canberra partner.

joel's flexible pairs of eyebrows.
can go up right left up down and you will laugh looking at his cheeky look.

ck's "fuck" and his cant be bothered attitude make himself quite funny at times.
his act jap look and his that kind of fake laughter ahhaa..

weijun's "wo she me do mei you, zi you qian zui duo" is really bullshit.
hes my 2.5 million and someone who can really talk to very well.

nicholas's "brother?" and we would bang our fists?
some soccer stuntmen and my warna brother.

desmond's hokkein beng look and his " jus yag yag yag i don care" face.
really damn power in hokkein

soon kuey's laughter is really damn cute and his actions..
forever trying to be electrocuted..

you guys are the one.
"don forget our rfc cafe dream"

another special thanks to 127.
my own class.
and our class are really united.
and everyone of us make up 127.
you guys allow me to survive thru lessons complaining and whining.

127.
it stayed with me always.
i love you guys too. really.

and especially to these few:

Joanne, CALIA (chao ah lian in action)
my very own snow black.
who is willing to skip lectures with me.
who is willing to listen to my crap each time.
who is willing to complain and whine with me.

someone who bought green tea for me at times.
joanne, you really really are special to me.

i don know how to survive thru lessons with you..
you are really that cork and i don know how..
but enough, i know i will see you again.. ;)

Ruis, someone who had really been so motherly to us.
she really comforts you well..
and everything is gonna be okay alright with ruis around..
she also complained and whine with me.

and our similar love for chocolates for me amee and ruis.

i don know how is it goonna be like if you're not there.
your smile really brighten me up..
and your "tsk" kind of laughter..
and your "buay tahan you ah"

ruis, we really love you a lot.
and ruis, stop your "hung hung"
im hungry too now..

Ruis, i am willing to lend you my hand as your pillow.

i feel really lost that all of you guys are going away.
we're all facing different routes.

ameEee, someone who i know she knows whats life all about.
she knows to meet and to part are part and parcel of life.
and shes realistic.. and keep on suaning all of us here..

talking a lot of her dreams..
her loyang stuffs..

amee.. even though i keep saying your loyang loyang..
but i did listen, make a trip for us someday alright?

i saw her tears, that one drop on 151105..
for all of us.. for ruis for joanne for me.. for 127..

it really touched me alot, i knew she trying so hard to fought her tears.
but this time i know..she teared bcos of her friends..

i don know how to face the fact if you're leaving singapore..
i cant imagine what we could possibly be..
you're the strongest among us..
seldom let your emotions really out..

but this time, you did.

I love you all, you guys had been part of my life.
so essential to me during lessons.. during school time
i really don know how things could get if you guys werent there.

i teared.
i admit. because of you guys.

i love the 3 of you alot.

norris, you showed me your enthusiasm as well as mine.
i didnt know i can be so active so hyper without you.
you're my partner for many stuff..
to get the crowd on during ndp..
and during obs, everything...

you are clear about your future
and never let the flame die from your eyes, right norris?
thanks so much. the fun in ndp was twice with you.

thanks.

you guys showed me love.

and everything i need to know.

thanks so much.

i never did show so much emotions for friends in the past.
but i learn to cherish people.
and to say i love you all.
from the bottom of my heart.
sincere. and really sincere.

what could shiping do?
she lost it all.

leaving the college broken, teared and lost it all.

i hate to leave you guys.
i don know how to face the fact that we are parting.
everyone is leaving.
i would teared really very horribly.

and i miss you guys you people a lot.
thank you a lot.

everything about yj.
from the suckiest part.
and now everything so beautiful.

im really leaving college. broken, teared and lost it all.



these are my confessions.

the unspoken of - the last memories.

151105

151105

what shall i say?

the 169 is really dusty.
my tears are really not spared.

I really cried like fuck.

with rfcians, nothing was needed to hide.

I laugh and I cried.
that was the most horrible part.
I really couldnt take it.

I don know how am i gging to face everything at 2pm.

i cant help it.
the more this bunch trying to joke around
the more my tears wouldnt stop

thinking back into the days..
it really hurts a lot..
everything was fine.. everyone was happy..

and why do we hav to face this kind of shit..

and i really lost control of myself..
i was the first to let my tears flow..

i am afraid.
everything.
future.
friends.
parents.
family.
rfc.

when everything come together..
it will form a huge snowball i guess..

and this snowball really hit me i guess..

hit me hard.
hit me till i cried.
cried like never before.

that kind of sadness.
nothing could be said.

my tears were eventually dried.

and everyone thought i took it quite well.

i got retained.
a E, two Os.
bcos of daily work and ca.
was thinking quite wasted.

but life's jus so unfair..

i didnt take it so well in front of rfc.
but i really can have no worries..
i can do whatever i want..
not afraid anymore..
not afraid to show my weakness..

teachers..
they really got quite different..
they thought i matured. i grew.
from what i told them. we had conversations.

and i guess maybe.
some things will make us grow up.

i listed all the options where i am heading to..
and im clueless..

stuck at crossroads as usual..
don know where..
don know how..

my future's blank..
its all darkness..
i see no light..
no light to guide me wherever..

and i didnt tear a single shed when i recieved my results..
i accept my fate i guess..
and i broke down eventually..
facing my dear friends that had been with me thru..
it really hurts me.. to see how heartbroken are they..
we had been comrades thru promos thru this entire year..

people around me do care.
i realised.
and my parents..

reached home a little unpleasant..
they start to scold a lil..
why dont i study harder that kind of shit..

in the end, i sat down next to my mum..
everything was calm.. gging to be fine..
i told her let me think.. let me really think where i wanna go..

i wanted to say sorry but i couldnt bring myself to..

i wanted to say a thank you but i still couldnt bring myself to..

and thanks rfcians, for waiting.. waiting for us to appeal..
my dear fellow comrades.. thanks a lot..
we've been thru together..
funs and laughters.
tears and sadness.
wanted to say THANKS.

it ends off. peacefully.

can we stick together and to peservere thru the last few moments?

you guys brought a smile to me.
but bcos of that smile.
it evolved into plenty of laughters.
and because of these laughters,
tears flow because of it.

i really only want to cherish my friends.
these bunch of people.
the only thing i don want to part right now.

yet i seems strong to others to be able to take all that shit.

but in front of rfc, they know me.

i don know how to explain right now.
im really confused.

but im taking it quite well.

Just give me time.

and i really wished some people can be there.
im not strong. never strong.
and all i need is you.

my world's really falling apart.

i feel so terrible so miserable now.

feel so lost.

i've been defeated. i had lost.
fucked.

151105

141105

still 141105

read everyone's blog one by one.
suddenly everything make sense to me.

tears cant stop flowing too.

feel really really sad for friends..
friends. friends. friends and friends.
the only thing that they didnt forget to mention it.

i really dont know what to say.
but the blogs are really touching.

i really really do love you guys alot.

and now i really want to retreat to my own world.
no one can find me.

really cannot take it.
and everything.
why?

why must it end this way.

we're like a bunch of strong, determined peeps.

we never will let each other get emo.
but today.. we're automatically.. emo but trying to smile..

what for?
cos we're one. we don wan anyone to get affected.
really "xiao zhe ku zui tong"

no one would teared.
but we broke all our rules.

i never thought anyone would.

but everyone did.

we're not that easilly defeated right.

141105 again.

our story

our story.
141105

when we wanted to write down all our thoughts about rfc on a blank piece of paper..

when i held the pen in my hand..
and i stared at the white piece of paper..

nothing came out.

i wrote..

blank.
rfc's journey can never be descibed fully on that piece of paper.

we cried.
cried most horribly as much as we can.
tears wouldnt stop.

because of friendship.
because of results.
because of rfc.
because of being afraid to face the world.

never thought we would face this day like that.
with tons of tissues. tons of tears.

the taste of tears is like the sea.

we went ecp today. supposed to be a happy day but..

though i don know my fate
but i wouldnt be spared..
i know myself well enough..
and im really afraid..
i don know simply how to face the world..
face my parents..

these things only rfcians know..
know exactly how each other feel..

no one knows better other than us ourselves..

what we had done is really unimaginable..
no one ever thought of, we thought of..
we're the lamest, the corkest..
and yet bring laughter to ourselves and anyone as we can..

we're jus a bunch of innocent kids..
who only wants to have fun.. and living our life simple..
we didnt meant any harm..

yet the only thing we wanted to do
is to promote together

the only thing we really want..

and life's unfair..
very unfair..

i don know how to describe today but
i cant help it..

i seldom really seldom teared in front of people
and today in front of friends..
we showed every single one of us..
our tears.. our sadness..
nothing much more to hide..

the constant joy we had.
the laughter seems never ending..

and why did tears would come..

and we appeared to be strong..

yet we're weak..

c'mon guys..
i don know wad can i console about..

i really don wanna lose this bunch of good friends..
really don want to..

i really love these bunch of people, god.

and tears never stopped..
people.. be strong, be strong now..

I don know whats today like.
laughter, tears, sea, sweat.

i was waiting for the rain to fall..

all kinds of emotions rising from us..
feeling really speechless..

and tears never once stopped..



the most hurting words can come from your parents.
I dont know what more they want from me.

when you all said these, i did these
but you all are still not happy.

when i heck, i give it all out, i ignore.
you all say i didnt stick to my promise.

tell me, what you guys want?
full of contraddiction.

why not try to talk to me?
why not ask why am i feeling so down?
why not just show me more concern and care?

why do you guys have to keep scolding and scolding?

so that i can keep tearing and tearing is it?

everything's fallen apart.
i cannot take it anymore.

what are tears.
we cried till we're numbed.
i no longer know whats tears.
but my heart seems to hurt.
hurt a lot.

try to understand me please..

and you can threaten and scold me..
take my phone away if you guys like..
jus don give me money if you guys like..

then don expect me to follow the things you all still wanted..
its impossible since you're breaking the rules..

expect me to come home everyday?
then tell me.. what is home?
what is home when no one is around
everyone seems to be involved in their activity even if they're here..
i know im somehow too childish to think this way..

but im still a kid to you and you know im really weak and vulnerable..
i need a lot of care and concern and love from you guys too wad..

i know you guys are tied down to work.

thats too much to ask of your time..

life's jus too unfair..

i always thought home is something i carried it all around when everyone's present..

i cant stop tearing.
freak. i feel damn weak.

let the rain fall..

everything's fallen apart.

RFC.
141105

confessions

Maybe when somethings happened.
it wasnt jus what happened.
it was jus how that person think at that point of time.

why not ask what am i thinking?

I have my own theory
so even if everything shows it
i wont think of it
i would jus avoid the problem faced
and pretend nothing happened.

and now that something had happened.
i wouldnt say it wasnt my fault
but until few days back i realised im in total deep shit
i did not know what i did was wrong

however i still believe i hav my own thinkings
and till then..

but i feel people failed to understand me.
though everything's fine but im not that okay
i cant take it in school

why not try to understand my thoughts?

I didnt mean to. I didnt did it on purpose.
I'm sorry. but i didnt mean to..

but everything already happened
it doesnt even matter anymore

and when claiming doesnt know anything cannot prove me anything
while people might think im feigning innocence

but whatever it is.. everyone had their right in doing so..
to be angry.. to be puzzled.. to be shocked..

can i have my rights too..
but no one cares..

i made my mistake i got nowhere to run

i don give a damn.

make everyday my day.
too impossible.

a perfect saturday morning

a perfect saturday morning.

went to geylang for some tau huey with fellow rfcians ytd..
one whole bunch of uniform-ed students were caught walking in geylang..
exploring every corner every place every alley..

that was quite lame.. but with rfcians..
everything was feeling good.
cherish everything before it ends..

it was really a perfect saturday morning...
i woke up super early today..
i slept real early last night..
was super tired perhaps i didnt sleep well the previous night..
forget about it.. don wanna mention about it already..

wanted to go for a swim or a run but it rained in the morning..
an excuse for myself to turn garfieldish.

there would be another rfc meeting later on..
not skipping it of course..

the feeling is good.. air is fresh..
the cool breeze and everything was fine..

i don know why but sitting down like that is real empty..
its good sometimes to stay empty..
stay a lil innocent stay a lil blur bout the world..
your mind finds peace and make it less complicated..

okay i really wanted to go for a swim. right now. out!

Tom yum goong

[Tom yum goong]

It was out today in cinemas and we watched it.
todays really a good day.
with happy rfcians.
everything went on well.
love rfcians!

Okayy about this movie.
doing my movie review now. yepp.
a thai show.
was really really impressed.
i used to think elephants are just black big and what else more?
and after the movie, i realised elephants are cute.

It was a really good show.
touching and heart felt.
The fights are really f-a-n-tastic!
wished i can fight like them.

ands, the guy with the sword was cute.
though hes a baddie but hes cute. hehhs.

anyone reading my blog now should go watch.
shiping reccommends it.
probably 4 popcorns.

at times, when the main lead were fighting hard in the show.
I feel like gging inside and give the baddies one tight slap.
they are really damn incorrigible.
ought to be slapped!

me and joanne was quite enthu inside the cinema
and we were even showing the fist in the air.
the show really makes you anxious.
and you really wanna beat the baddies.

btw, i still don really understand what has it got to do with tom yam?
but i hav a craving for it. =D

i miss kickboxing.
fellow kb friends, shall we go sign up?
I really wanna kick and box.
to get all that unhappy unpleasant feelings out of me.

I actually really love movies.
but the cost is quite heavy.

i watched flight plan and goal less than 2 weeks ago.
ate fish and co. went k-ster thrice.
ate dinner everyday outside.

im really broke. broke down way.

maybe rfcians, a suggestion!
go to princess for movies.. HAHHA!


in the end, we went subway for a lil break?
chill out at subway for quite some time..
and then we walked aimlessly thinking where to go.
bought some alcohol and went up to paragon to drink.

was conned by rfcians.
i wasnt quite familiar with alcohol..
everyone add on to the flame
and i really believed after i drank the bottle i would get drunk.
hahha but it was funny.
they keep on tell me dont drink. cos i would cfm get drunk.
drunk. i would like to try someday.
maybe i can become happier for that moments?

my face turn super red.
and then was feeling quite funny?
but rfcians, i still can walk straight lar!
was feeling quite happy but yet quite unhappy.

him again. all over in my mind.
argh. getting super irritating.
i msged him but he doesnt reply.
busy is not an excuse.
if that person means so much to you,
no matter how busy are you,
you will take seconds to reply.
even if the message was non-reply msg.
no matter what,
as long as i mean to you,
you would reply.
reply a thank you or a hahha was fine.

i guess i never meant so much to you.

i hate myself for being so stupid.
i wanted to keep some dignity even when i leave..
told myself over and over again,
dont msg him but in the end i still fell for the trap.
why is it? i paused before i pressed sent.
but i still couldnt take it.
i still hope for that something which i know wont happen.

i am loving this song.. this song you are hearing right now in my blog..
energy's yan lei the wei dao.

the taste of tears.

it really reflects upon me..
though we are not tgther for a year but
with you, it felt like years. felt like eternity.
but it was shortlived. a few months.
three months plus.
i didnt bother to count.
whats the point.

why are you like this?
i don get it.
i hate you so much now.
but i still love you.

okay im contraddicting but bcos humans do.


i made some stupid mistake.
i didnt realised till today.
some stupid but big mistake. damn.
was feeling quite bad now.
dont know what to do.
it didnt occured to me

don fall for me.
anyone or everyone.

im jus not.. worth it..

i don know how to explain this.
but i don know why it become like that now.

lifes so complicated.

everything gging wrong!

up-side-down.

My family

[My family]

Super early morning? was meeting joanne for a swim later on.
hahha this girl super nice. agreed to come all the way to kallang basin.
yepp sorry my snow black! later treat you drink! okayy!

was looking very forward to jumping into the deep blue water.
my way of stress relieving.
often, i wanted to go swim alone but
somehow didnt have the motivation to go.

I really really love swimming.
back to the days.

when you swim, the world is silent.
you cant look back. can only look forward.
the deep blue water.
really really very soothing.
and sometimes there is bubbles.
its a place where there is totally peace.
and the sound of water.
where you can really keep yourself quiet
and reflect on every single shit.

swimming used to be a very good way of taking all your troubles away.
sometimes when you teared, no one can see it.
you can teared in the open.
and the water mixing your tears.
and it will stop.
the emo feeling will go away.

I am feeling quite frustrated. quite irritated.
at all the things that is happening.
what happened to my family?
why are we drifting further and further apart.

we planned so much after promos and everything was getting on fine.
and why now.. it had become this way.
internal conflicts and now it had been solved.
it become a way of ignoring each other.
talk less. see less and care less.

sighs.. it really saddens me a lot..
everyone telling me don think about it..
but i cant help cant help to think about it..
why has our bond become weaker?
so weak that everyone was getting sick and tired.

We cannot do this right.
this wont do.

thought we are the biggest family in YJ
and the most united ones?

It had become sour.
and now turned out this way.

don let us separate, rfcians.

Maybe thats part and parcel of life.

Everything will turn bland. tasteless.



about him, i think im better nowadays.
i've been not trying to think so much.
but once i accidentally led myself into the thought.
i still have the very urge to be with him.
i really really want to be with him.
but i've try not to think so much.
wouldnt care.

that day, he did called me eventually.
it was dont know how long how long how long i've been waiting.
jus waiting for that call.
I remember waiting for your call.

and then my world paused.
the world froze that moment.
I was gging complete crazy. nuts.
I didnt know I dont know.
I walked and walked.
and then once i sat down.
damn.

i've been crying like somekind of shit.
crying and couldnt stop.
My tears jus flowed down.
and i feel freaking sad.
my heart hurts so much.

i wanted to run away so much.
but i forced myself not to.
that would be crazy. everyone would be worried.
i jus sat down and cry and cry.

in the end, i forced myself to stop.
wont want to let anyone worried.

i don wan to think of it anymore.
it really hurts quite bad.

right now, i only want the rain to fall.
let the rain fall down and wake my dreams.

he isnt there anymore.
he wont be there anymore.

you can be busy as you want.
I wont care anymore.
you dont have to call me.

you wont get me back anymore.

I tried to hold you back.
you said you want us back.
and you had not even show me what you do to get us back.
and you expect me to go back to you?
you jus SAID.
and do you think im that stupid to okay okay lets be normal.

girls are fragile.
they might appear to be very strong.
but in actual fact, they need guys to care.
to show them that they care.
and you don understand how girls feel.
and especially.. you don understand me.

I wanted you to be there so much.
but this freaking period.
you cared for yourself more than me.
I know you are busy with your family
but is it too busy to even manage your time with me?
dont tell me you are busy every second.
even for five minutes, you can take your time to talk to me.
as if i wont listen.
jus admit it. you dont hav the heart to do so.
and you are hurt so you can go into hiding.
to slowly recover your sadness.
what about mine?
i called i msged. nobody cared.
do you think im having a good life?
to say it all out.
you are jus being selfish.
you are selfish.
i believed i can sacrifice much more even im busy.
im all torn. all torn cos of you.
i cried like fuck every night.
i cant live thru each night.
and now don claim you want me back.
you can have me back.
we're through.

i wanted to start afresh with you but
i realised all the stuffs..
you didnt keep to your promises.

im tired already.
jus leave me alone.
leave me to heal myself.
will you.
don come to disturb me anymore.
i dont want to cry ever again.
it made me stupid.

i already know the taste of tears.
i dont want to taste it again.

-backtothegardenfestivallostandempty.