[[ Empty within the soul ]]

[[ Empty within the soul ]]

All this while.. I dont know why but I felt so empty.. I dont know anything.. I am just living.. My mind is blank.. Just living for the sake of living.. I felt empty..

Not much thoughts. No feelings. That what I am.

Yea. I am the class rep of 127. Though I might not be fit for it.. but im trying.. and now i know how tough it is.. Its really stressed enough.. I planned the buddy list.. afraid whoever might be upset or what.. I typed out the class list but my printer runs dry.. and so so so.. so much things.. Its really quite tough..

But i will still take up the challenge.. I want to show my responsibilty.. And i discover so many else out dere has even more abilities than me.. They deserve it more than i do..

But believe.. shiping will try her best..

Actually I felt kinda lost somewhere somehow..

I am quite left out in school.. I goes alone to lectures and always happen to meet someone to sit with.. I want to join dem and sometimes i did.. They are really all nice people but somehow i rather stick to my old bunch of friends..

I dont know why but I will turn speechless.. thats a feeling i hate.. awkward..

Somehow I will really be left out.. this saturday where the girls all chose to go.. I didnt go.. I just dont feel like.. and due to some stuff.. I couldnt go out..

Maybe i can study.. gosh study at home? aRgHhh.. forget it..

And I am too tired to blog on other stuff..

[[ The fear factors ]]

[[ The fear factors ]]

Oh yes.. My brother got my da sao roses.. guess she must be shell shocked.. Update someday on how he does it? okies? hahahas.. YES.. my whole family waited for that 5 roses for like half an hour? And den and den my mother says my father damn niao.. on their enagement.. he only bought her one pathetic red rose.. AHAHAHAh.. and we were laughing all the way.. even my dad.. and she says that even his son more "guo qi".. lols..

Enjoyable? Yes.. It does..

Badminton? Floorball? COUNCIL?

I realise my badminton really sucks.. not that i have little confidence in myself.. but people tells me that.. =)

and should i ever continue on with floorball?

and actually i am really interested in council but just tt no one mentions it before so i better shuddup.. I actually like to something sports kind.. but council seems pretty interesting.. somehow got affected by my brother..

If i want something.. I dont want it small.. I want it big.. I know i dont have a big head so dont wear a big hat.. but I want to be the president of council.. and this is gonna be really tough.. I cannot speak in front of so many people.. I have stage fright..

I dont want to be tt kind of councillor that has not much power.. I just want to be outstanding.. to be involved.. to be a leader.. yes a leader..

When you think and write is different.. And my blog is always quite pleasant.. emotional.. but imagine i have to get myself up on the stage.. how tough would it be?

I carnt speak well. I carnt display myself well. so what the hell am i gonna do? How on the earth can i try to pull votes? Its so hard.. no one would vote for a nobody anyway..

So how? I really like to give a try.. like hedi who keeps cleaning my mind.. filtering those unhygenic thoughts.. she told me if you nvr try how would you know ppl dont vote for you?

I like to but you have to know how much courage does it takes from me? besides i am not popular in school.. neither do I have the looks to make ppl vote for me.. Neither do I have the fluent language..

Yet I want to. I really have to reconsider many factors too. I will be really busy and to return home late.

But I want to be responsible. to be a leader. to be different. really different.

[[ My new class - 0127 ]]

Wonderful. Why the hell do we keep changing class? changing environment.. I just hate to enter a class full of strangers.. new friends.. and your old friends perhaps forgotten all bout you..

I wanted to restart. I wanted to start over again. but i realise i still cannot adapt.. I still skip most of the stuff to be with my old class..

Its alrite today actually. Its all talks and talks. And I dont find a need to go for it since i have no interest in their CCAs listed dere.. And why the hell they forced us to go for it? Its damn dumb.

I was slacking with P17 in da canteen.. Just plain slacking.. and Mdm shelia somehow caught us 3 times in the canteen.. so she "escorted" us dere.. Since we were all different class.. I am the last and she was walking with me thruout the school lookin for my class =).. Just dont find my class.. I dont wanna join dem anyway.. I rather walk with her thru the school..

And she was rather fierce.. asking why am i not with my class going for the talks.. and i am in the first 3 months and further more i should be dere.. and in the end i asked her why do we have to be dere since we have no single interest in the CCAs dere.. and she somehow agreed..phew~ and i told her i rather sit inside lectures instead of doing meaningless stuff.. and she told me maybe its a time to interact with my class.. craps.. thou its true but i dont wanna..

I just feel uncomfortable dere..

And I walked with her thru the school and i said i rather walk with you in the school.. so she asked me what cca i wanted to join.. and i told her floorball =) she is the floorball teacher =) =) =) lucky she didnt say much~

And we were in the AVA "blow aircon".. two of us in dere other than the band members.. -,-"

And so I happilly sit dere.. quietly..

And until one guy from my class came up to me and told me.. " Are you from my class?" I immediately SWEAT -.-" That guy was Zisheng.. a quite interesting guy.. He is quite friendly and den somehow my class began to join in.. small parts.. I asked for their phone numbers and so on..

Aniwae we're gonnna be 2 yrs classmates..

And my class has 27 people with only 7 guys.. -.-" and I am a stranger with the 26 of dem..

How would i say.. Friendly people? Speechless when with dem..

Yeah just like that..

Actually i was very much hoping to stay in P17.. but guess the other place do me more better?

I had to start all over again.. I really hate it..

Luckilly.. My class jus knew each other so the bond wasnt that strong like in P17.. had to make external friends.. But they were already mixing quite well.. speaking in english which really like made me feeling awkward.. why on earth did i chose literature too? But i know i do better in literature than physics..

I really hate changing environment.. It sucks..

T27 - P17 - 0127

3 times!! and between the T27 to P17.. something happen.. so could say i changed 4 times..

Today was basically useless. school is nothing.

Now i really hate interacting. I hate being speechless.

[[ My typical special sunday ]]

[[ My typical special sunday ]]

Today is my parents 18th wedding anniversary.

UMmms..and my brother girlfriend the birthday..which is my da sao..~

Was meeting gera for lunch de but i couldnt wake up on time and ummm my maid didnt cook the lunch yet and i got only 3 bucks with me. eat wad shit outside also?

And gera say its okies she can da pao so i met carmen straightaway.. So we went blading at ecp.. today is a little quite crowded.. sunday bahs..

We went to buy cone and sat down to change at mac.. den we blade to the beginner's corner to put our stuff in the locker.. the moment i see those rough ground i hate it.. especially that kind of brick kind.. I didnt need to move and can fall that kind.. lucky it was over.. phew~ I jus carnt believe i can pass the stupid rough slope..

Today we didnt stayed at the beginners corner.. aniwae its crowded.. all da pros doing da stupid stunts..

So we went down to the roads passed one hump by one hump.. somehow conquered my fear of humps.. But i still need carmen's hand.. It just somesort comforts me..

So today we try out the slopes.. -.-"

I didnt fall at the humps.. and fell at the slopes.. The so many slopes were still alrite until at one downhill slope.. I couldnt break and couldnt turn.. so I fell.. I also duno how i fell.. No big deal but scratches.. phew~ Jus that 2 girls asked if i am alrite.. so they helped me up.. Was grateful.. ahhaa..

And fell again once blading back.. too fast and i also didnt know why and i just fell.. too many scratches at my knee.. somesort causing some pain..

Actually i am quite satisfied with myself.. I think i learn rather fast.. now i can blade quite fast but i still couldnt really cope with balancing.. and slopes and a little more confidence about crossing the humps myself..

I blade everday for a week.. i guess i am improving.. And I probably get hooked to blading soon..

And so i rushed home.. my marmmee asked me to reach home earlier and i msged my brother asked him to reach home earlier. and i am the latest.. reach home about 730.. they were all starving.. my dAdddEee alr sleeping on the sofa..

I went to bathe fast and den we were off to this coffee shop and eat.. I believe somehow this shop has some memories of my dad and mum.. It just give me this feeling.. They dont dine there often too..

It was damn fun in the car.. My parents were busy engaging in their talks and so my brother and I were singing and singing.. we were singing different songs.. and trying to concentrate to ours alone.. and den i duno whats wrong but i keep laughing.. laughing like mad and one crazy woman.. my friends know how my laughter is like? hahah..got stamina one..

So I was the only one laughing in our car.. And so until my mum and dad and maid also began to laugh at my laughter and so everyone is laughing.. And It was really funny.. so super fun.. we were on top of our voice.. joking all the way..

And my mum turned on her hokkein songs.. so we asked her.. dont want free radio ar? She say no.. chao si ren..WAhahaa.. and den she say listen this better and then we begin to sing also.. we couldnt even speak hokkein so my brother and i began going cranky singing to the tune.. and everyone in the car collapsing.. the car is vibrating hard due to laughter.. Ahahaa..

And my brother went to buy something for my da sao.. In case she read this i shall announce other day.. Muahah.. that something is really expensive.. My whole family waited for almost half an hour for it.. Our whole family took part in this something.. wAhahaha.. And my mum recalls about my dad's "niaoness" and we were laughing back home again.. At home we were still laughing..

I guess this kind of simple life really is happy.

We are one big happy family. =)

I love them all. What a memorable day.Everyone is happy.

True

"True"

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think i dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afarid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So i wont hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waiting
This is true

You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afarid to moveIm weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So i will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waited

This is true

I know when i go ill be on my way to you
The way thats true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So i will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waitied

This is true

[[ This is true ]]

[[ This is true ]]

Yeah! Yeah! YEAH!

I am currently so into english songs. But i have nowhere to download dem'.

CountingCrows Usher GreenDay AliciaKeys RyanCabrera Maroon5 Outkast Hoobastank PugJelly Mcfly GoodCharlotte Jet FiveForFighting D12 KimberleyLocke MichelleBranch BlackEyedPeas NatashaBedingfield KylieMinogue StacieOrrico

Just too many to mention. Not forgetting to mention my beloved simple plan busted avril lavigne clay aiken and kelly clarkson.

I like counting crows, usher, outkast and ryan cabrera songs. so tempted to buy. yeah~ Im tempted. Im tempted to buy(touch)..

I am staying broke =)

Recently looking at all the things i like. I will just yag to the whoever person i am with.. I will buy when i get my pay.. for the whole day I've been saying this.. consoling myself. no choice.

And I carnt rmb what i exactly wanted. *rolling eyes..

oOps forget to mention.. hAppy bUrfdAe tO kenith on 25/3 and my dearest da sao on 27/3. And and and.. my dearest parents wedding anniversary on 27/3!!

Perhaps you call it fate? My parents wedding anniversary concidences with my da sao bdae. hA ha ha.. They were married on 27/3/1987 exactly the day my da sao is born.. so the fated.. rites da sao? *grins~

hMmms.. I went down to my mum shop on good friday.. And she got so many loose change.. so thats my salary. sometimes its little.. but today is like omg.. I work for like 8 hours? and i got 75 dollars!! an hour is like 9.3 excluding the lunch break times..etc etc.. My food all day was icemilo with 2 breads.. 3 cans of green tea.. one black pepper chicken chop.. one MARS chocolate bar.. sponsered as well.. but i think i drank more than 3 cans of green tea.. i think its 4 cans..

I'm a green tea fanatic fan. But you probably see me drinking milo more often.

And den I used the money to buy a watch like what i have always wanted. And my parents and I went over to parkway because gera working at citychain.. further details not to be given.. *winks~ And then I bought an ADIDAS watch.. damn cool rites?

CArnt really rmb and we went to eat supper.. I wasnt hungry at all so i watched my dad eat.. and den he ordered BLACK PEPPER CRABS.. omg.. so u know.. what happened rite? It was damn yummy and delicious.. I love crabs. I love craps.

Yes. commit lots of sins.

Rollerblade is so fun. I practise it everyday but my skills not getting anywhere.. Nvm.. with my belief!!.. Tmr going down to Ecp.. blade.. yes!!

I realise my life is too perfect. I've got what i need. I actually want to buy 1gb memory card for my mp3. my songs are too limited. I want to get my pay and buy. but my dad tells me he buy for me. I want a watch. My mum sorta paid for it. I have somesort latest phone which is damn cool. Have camera and its a slide phone. I have a mp3 which i can listen to the songs i upload and even the radio station. whats more?

Too perfect. Everything i going for is no longer a basic neccessity. I realise I have been going for branded stuff as well. I didnt used to care but now maybe quite a lot.

I was thinking. my life was too perfect until i realise something is missing but what was it? Ever complaining life so imperfect but now?

Too perfect that it frightens me so much.

[[ childhood memories ]]

[[ childhood memories ]]
Can you still recall what did you do.

M too tired to blog. shall comment on this post later on.

[[ shattered dreams nightmare is over ]]

[[ shattered dreams nightmare is over ]]
My dreams are shattered.

My nightmares are over.

I dont really want to ponder over this question again but really why?

WHY AM I SO USELESS?

YES . I am angry and frustrated at my own uselessness. Blame it on that.

I have nothing worth commenting about. I dont wanna any consolations. I am sick of it too. sick of saying thank you. sick of being grateful.

Yet..no one showed they really care..

My hands shivered.. I feel sick.. I feel unwell.. I feel terrible.. I feel so useless.. I feel like as if i am dying.. I feel like running away.. I couldnt play at all.. I feel so uncomfortable..

I feel like crying.. simply i am so frustrated.. why couldnt i play the game well.. why am i so afraid? I couldnt calm down.. Lots of why but left with no answer..

I didnt regret being there. I gave my best.. but i couldnt stop the shivering..

No one cares so its alrite. Everyone lamenting.. commenting on how bad how poor my badminton skills are.. They laugh.. once they heard I am going to trial..

No one really cares. I dont care too.

Yet I struggled. I showed my happy side to everyone. No one ever knows how terrible it feels.. All these laughter and talks are pulling me down.. no one knows how hard i struggled to keep my smile up and believe going on..

Yes. I displayed an useless sight of me during the trial. I trembled. I couldnt focus which i tried so hard to. and do anyone how tough it was for me?

I been thru that less than 10 minutes.. but it was hell.. and after that.. I felt so terrible yet no one asked me are you alrite. People asked me so how was my trial?

How do i answer? Everyone asked me this. I replied. terrible. and they were like nothing. Does anyone really asked me how i felt? Am I alrite?

I dont even know myself. I am relieved that my nightmare is over. I am upset that my dreams are shattered. I dont even know whether am i alrite. whether am i happy.

I rushed over with confidence. with that own built up confidence and with help from some friends..

It was crushed. Everything was gone.

I dont expect to be in NYJC. but at least let me play a game that I could handle.

I felt so worthless. so upset because I am so useless.

Forget it all about that. Lucky Da sao was with me all the while. I rather have someone to be with.. it really comforts me.. lucky i am not alone in this battle..

We went back to nyjc and ka jiao my dude brother.. I saw the students in Ny.. I felt ashamed. I have no right to step in here. All the appeals I made. I just felt so useless..

I was uncomfortable about that place too. NY is too beautiful.. too perfect in my mind.. I just like the environment and the school too much.. but it was only a dream..

My dude brother was too busy for us.. running here and dere so we went off.. my da sao and I went to buy bubble tea and walked to the bus stop wondering where to go..

In the end we went J8. It wasnt a bad idea. I dont go J8 often so its alrite. I wont get sian. ahhaa.

Oh ya da sao. I rmb the stupid thing my brother did when he was young. I tell you next time.. Ahahah damn funny.. rmb to remind me.. ahahhahaha.. lols..

At Mu-ee.. we had a really great laughing time.. Ah bui.. Ah bui.. LOLs.. cannot stop laughing.. hahahhaa.. Ah bui and Ah san.. dots..

Oh.. Stephen Fung and gillian frm twins would be dere but i din see dem aniwae.. Went home after we walked the whole of J8?

And I went home and rollerblade. Blade here and dere.. And till hedi came up and ate dinner with me at my house.. She used my another computer.. and we sorta lame crap around.. And I continue blading at home.. though tired but i still blade.. And in the end she was too tired and she couldnt take it.. so she went home..

And den I blade again. It just keeps me going. My legs were numb yet i continued. I still keep going. I duno why but perhaps I wasnt really in an alrite mood.

I dont know what happened to me too.

I felt so useless after all. I dont have any abilities.

I am not in a mood for anything. Perhaps. tmr. I would be fine. Give me time to calm down. Just leave me alone for this moment.

My shattered dreams or my nightmares?

What was it?

[[ driven to the frantic desperation state ]]

[[ driven to the frantic desperation state ]]

I am useless.

I am hopeless.

I am faithless.

I am crying.

Can you imagine the state I am in? Mentally down.

I cannot so anything bout it. Thats how hopeless I am.

I am so afraid. I am so scared. It makes me cry because I am so scared.

I felt so useless..

I couldnt concentrate on anything else..

I don know how. I couldnt make it.

I couldnt make it.

I feared.

Can you imagine how i get so hysterical?

I am driving myself crazy.

I cannot surivive thru tmr.

I am panic.

I am frantic.

I am crazy.

I am so scared.

so afraid that my tears came out.

My soul is gone. I am like a walking corpse.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I cannot stand the pressure anymore.

Why did god treat me so unfairly?

Why am I so useless?

I am insane right now.

hopeless. thats what i am in now.

no one can save me.

You know how badly it gets? No one understands.

I cannot say much. people are more upset than me. They probably thinks I am hypocrite.

I cannot stand it.

anymore longer.

[[ Blade blade blade ]]

[[ Blade blade blade ]]

I skipped school today. Was too tired because of sunday's bbq. So couldnt wake up so didnt want to go school. Is my excuses reasonable? I am just moodless.. I promised I never skipped school once school starts officially.. Let me have some play time before first. ;)

well.. I met up with carmen to rollerblade.. Look back at my entries.. I got myself a pair of rollerblades.. Its just too beautiful and today when i fell.. The most hurting is the scratches on that beautiful blades.. I couldnt care about myself.. simply bcos of the 250 dollars blades..

We met at parkway and walk over and start our blading at the beginner's corner.. beginner's corner is a place for pros trying to learn new stunts.. -.-"

Well at least I didnt fall so much.. well a few times.. it wasnt fatal.. the ground just crack.. =) hEees.

I am determined to learn rollerblading and actually I am quite addicted to it.. Its rather fun anyway..

I bought 2 buns from roti boy for my brother and mother.. On the way home i saw hedi.. and gave her one.. Trying to blade home and fall fatally flat at the small gradient slope before the lift and the letter box. Hedi rushed away to the dustbin near me and threw away her litter.. We end up laughin like mad and i got home with no injuries today =) hEees.

I went to her house and she got me one bracelet which is very nice.. Thanks!!.. Thanks for that thought...=)

Oh bout the postings. My brother got some wind out of it. and he refuses to tell me --.

Oh well.. I will know it by tmr aniwae.. ^^ Have to appeal.. I am so sian.. I probably end up in YJ.. not probably is confirm..

Students of yishun junior college~~~~~~~

[[ The realistic world ]]

[[ The realistic world ]]

The realistic world is gettin me frustrated. what have i done exactly?

People shun away from me? Or am i being too sensitive but they no longer care about me. My friends i should say that.

realistic.

Friends getting more and more impatient with me. What have I done exactly? Why could simply no one understand me. My world is falling apart soon. No one cares still.

I couldnt be sensitive. Their actions, thoughts and everything was so frustrated.

Yet no one can save me.

I am gettin impatient too. I felt so alone. felt so lonely. Everyone is ignoring me. Ignoring me mentally. hurting me mentally.

I had a crazy idea. I was on the bus and i pray real hard for an accident that could let me be in coma for days. Maybe someone will notice and pity me. I need some pity even if like that.

Nothing is same again. Everything changes. Everyone changed.

I reached home 12am today. My mother in a rage. scolds like hell. I dont care. Let her rattle on if she likes. She will understand someday why i did this. I know she is worried and couldnt sleep. but someday she will understand my actions.

I hate telling lies and making up stories and stories.. I have to make up excuses why am i late. I dont have to lie in the past but it was like a part of me nowadays..

No one understands why. Sometimes me too.

[[ The last minute barbeque ]]

It didnt turn out way too bad. we got plenty of food. unfinshed food. reasons is only 6 persons turn up. Thats me, sly, weijun, kim wee, zheng long and his girlfren.

I went down to the adidas warehouse sale today. I took an hour to go dere just for that adidas sale and I didnt get any stuff from adidas except the waterbottles which are free. I got myself a pair of salomon blades which costs 250 bucks. I am learning to blade so my mum ask me if i wanna get one. So i said ok. And I got it.

And 50 bucks for 1 waterbottle. Which really attracts me alot.. Eversince my fila waterbottle is gone.. I want to get another and today just nice I got 5.. grinning all the way..

And i told my mum let this blades be my reward for doing well in O's so that baby g watch and that reebok bag is strike off.. Its alrite. I can get that bag with my pay the next time. And that watch too but my parents would grow suspicious how i get the money from. ahh better not.

I reached parkway which was about 3 or 4? And we booked the pit for the whole day and we only start using at 6 -.-" We had a really hard time gathering the people. And we went to NTUC to get our stuff.. spend quite some time in dere..

And first time i went bbq with 5 ppl and we didnt touch sand and water. All we did is barbeque, eat and talk.

It was actually nice.. Zheng long and his girlfriend left quite early.. And Left the 4 of us.. We talked all the way.. Also didnt know why we got so many things to talk about and by that time the call came.. It was already 11.. time flies.. If not for that call.. I wouldnt want to leave.. I just feel like chatting with dem all the way.. And when we hurry and pack the stuff.. Nature calls.. So by the time i reached home..

12pm. Didnt make it before that. So (step)mum scolded me like hell.. =P

Yeaps. My mum did yelled? Not really. She was furious. All the late nights in a week in a row... which mum wouldnt?

Mum, I didnt go out to play everyday. I went to work but i couldnt tell you that cos you wouldnt allow me to work. I want to earn a little more money and I dont like to ask from you. you get me? you dont now. But hopefully one day you will understand. What a situation I am in.

The most horrible night. I felt so alone. Everyone ignores me.

My dad didnt speak to me much. He usually does and tonight my brother and him chatters a lot. He doesnt even want to bother with me. If its you, How would you felt?

Terrible? It sure does. It hurts so much. I felt ignored.

Yet I couldnt blame them. They have their reasons to be mad at me. I had my reasons but i had no reasons to be mad at them. I just want to be understood.

Tmr I am not going to school. I miss some of my classmates though. It is the last day. I should go but I wanna blade tmr and I couldnt reach home late. you know. so I had no choice.

Maybe I wont see them in my lives anymore. Be carefree. Take it easy. Friends come and go. Who bothers?

And my mum accompany me down all the way to Expo. It must have been tough on her during that 1 hr journey but she dont wanna drive. And we changed 3 lines. From boonkeng to dhoby ghaut to city hall. My mum also very happy looking how thrilled I looked at my new blades.

Though somehow i prefer to get a watch but i didnt regret much. I really wanna learn blading.

People changes with time.

[[ dumb + accomplishment + wonder ]]

[[ dumb + accomplishment + wonder ]]
Whats Dumb? I tell you now. The bbq i'm having tmr is one dumb lame shit. No plans No money. How on the earth can we ever get things done?

No plans. ok. nvm. we get the food tmr morning. And what the heck? no money to buy food.. everyone expect we to get everything done? you give me money i help you buy the most. Now I have no money on myself and how are you going to expect me to fork out frm my own hole in my pocket??

I tell you wad. I got it. Lets go and rob a bank.

Its maddening frustrating.. And the people come at any time they like.. So how can we get the money? uH? UH? uH?

we get everyone a cup noodles and we go dere eat cup noodles..ok?

This is the most lamest dumbest bbq i have ever known.

And plus some's heck care mood.. and some's no mood..

Do you guys think i have any mood left? Oh c'mon.. Im hell tired and stressed over these few working days.. Have no mood to think of other things..

Lets leave to tmr theirs contribution.

Except for Mel and weijun.. others.. thanks AHhh.. Thanks so much for ur help.. Thanks ar.. I hope you guys get what i mean?

The most I think i neednt have to care.

[[ Accomplishment ]]

Guess What?

Today I was at champion shop.. some stupid shop link to B.U.M and its closing down.. Its just a stupid shop with no nice things in it.. All those craps and its going for 50% off for some items which could be attractive..

Yesterday At champion I sold 38 dollars for a whole day. Can you imagine how bad the sales is? Actually not that bad. Its bcos of me and carmen slack too much.. closing the shops too many many times..so the sales naturally too bad..

Today the sales is 494!!.. I am so proud of myself.. hEEees. Though I din get any commision but looking at the records.. The highest is only 200+ and I almost hit 500.. Wows. I din slack much but slack quite some and kinda surprised how the sales is for today..

And today I was tongue-tied too many times. Speaking to a foreigner makes me feel as if I dont even know how to speak english and my english is like what the hell.. Dumb founded. And to some Japanese in the shop.. I was like a dumb. displaying all the stupid actions and my that "twan-tie tu dor-lers".. Shameful? It ought to be.

And I realise some habits of Japanese. They are firm. For E.g.. This jap wants a collar of 16 and sleeve of 34.. If i get a 16 and 1/2 ; 34 for him.. He would no no no.. I want a sixteen.. They are firm.. Whenever they want this.. they want this.. others no.. It may reflect as stubborness.. but maybe its good in a way or two..

[[ Wonder ]]

Have you ever wonder how many things u ponder over and wonder a day?

I wonder I wonder.. Many many things.. unsual things..

Today I sat on my bus going home after work.. I was passing by this magnificent work of the national library.. It was like a girl being shown of a big mansion.. A poor being shown of money..

The architecture is like perfect. How long will this building starts?

I love libraries. I love the old national library.. I always recall the days going over to dere studying and searching for literature guide books.. and reading magazines at the nlb.. reading about business issues..

The quietness of that library. The peace i can find studying. The books in dere. numerous collection. Everything is just so nice. in order. in place.

Looking back. probably I did put in quite some effort of studying?

I am hell tired. I have to get to some rest. I am in a really bad condition rite now. nothing feels right.

Pieces.

[[ boulevard of broken dreams ]]

[[ boulevard of broken dreams ]]

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone"

My boulevard of broken dream lyrics is not complete.. Its broken..

No matter how bad ur day turned out to be. No matter how upset you are. No matter how upside down your life can get..

Took a step behind and look.. Dere is other who are more devastated than you are..

Thats why i adjust myself and keep myself stable..

I heard a stern and fierce warning from my parents. Their note in their tone.. Somehow it make me shiver.. I am already running out of excuses..

I reached home at 1115pm today.. Due to some reasons.. I waited the stupid bus for 30 mins.. can you actually believe it.. 3o mins? Half an hour? It really wasted my time.. And I am already running late.. Hell..

I am already very tired. Let me rest peeps. I only wanted everything to be planned.. I dont have time to change and last minute stuff.. I just want things to drift on as per normal.. I dont know why but I am tiring myself out too much.. keeping myself busy for what i also dont know..

I typed all my friends dreams yesterday at 3am.. I wanted to finish everyone but i dont have the time to.. They all have perfect nice dreams.. Mine is a boulevard of broken dreams.. Lost somewhere somehow.. I felt so lost for i also didnt know why..

Still walking on my own. my expedition.

Realise I changed my song. I finally found a song link that I like.

And perhaps keeping myself busy.. I dont wanna feel outta place anymore.. I dont wanna think so much.. My schedule was fully packed.. I hadnt been out shopping in town for some ages.. Its so long.. My last movie was Hitch.. For a movie freak like me.. This wont do but I dont have cash to enjoy life..

Even my only tuesday break.. I packed everything altogether.. I will get my posting.. and then will make my way to NYJC and appeal.. I dont feel like appealing.. I hate that kind of feeling.. waiting for hope.. I dont have the energy to do it.. In my morning shall go appeal if not my parents would most probably nag at me.. And den I am going kick boxing and if not.. working..

But I guess I need a rest.

As quick as possible. School starts at wed. I need to get my life back.

And I think I feel like running away.. probably I'll do something else.. I walked alone.. I want to do something.. Just so something.. I need to meet up my friends.. hearing out their troubles.. helping them.. or else strengthen the drifting friendship..

But i had no time to do that. Everyone doesnt understand why i am going to work.. Even what I want to buy I have completely no clue.. I didnt know what I want.. My life is so just enough for everything.. I would be greedy if i need more..

And reason is clear. I dont need anyone to understand why I am going to work. I dont have to explain to anyone.

And not about that. I dont have to explain anything to anyone.

And people will never understand..

Its no longer any factor..

I dont care anymore..

I carnt rmb since when.. but since my expedition starts.. I dont care.. I dont care about anything anymore..

[[ The Sun ]]

[[ The Sun ]]

I guess perhaps recently now..everyone is in a super down mood.. didnt know why but maybe bcos of the weather? must be the stupid hot and dry weather.. how could i ever be blaming about the weather..

and seriously.. the sun had been very strong recently.. I think i know why.. Becos ppl are more dull.. If dere's a rain.. It would upset even more people.. bring down their mood even more..And because of the sun.. Its telling ppl to be strong.. keep moving.. keep going.. keep shining.. Just like the sun.. keep on shining..Be strong peeps..

Some morons said my blog like compo. WHO UH? WHICH TA TA TOOT TOOT DI DI IDIOT? =D

Oh great.. Hedi's gonna be back soon.. I miss her presence recently.. She would be happy if she ever see this =) YES.. I miss her so much.. my dear les fren.. And I looked forward to her telling me about her expedition and so on.. And me telling her my expedition.. I think one day we should really sit down in a nice cafe environment and chatter out simply we got no time.. And I don wanna this relationship to drift..Hedi.. could you spare some time for us to sit down and really chat?

Actually doesnt really matter.. when we were out.. we always chat so much.. and even on the phone.. online and so forth.. Nothing could block our mouths except food? jEeesh hahaa..

And honestly I think I am damn fat. I keep eating and eating. I gets so hungry so often. OMG. I need my kick boxing lessons and swimming back.. The so often standing ups at work doesnt even help me to slim down. duhed. I think I am gonna run everyday.

I inspire to do that. this morning I woke up telling myself about the calories i have eaten daily.. And I wanted to run.. Jus like today.. I woke up at 9? an hour earlier for me to run. And I went online and so like that.. duhed.. And my muscles were really stressed recently.. I am really damn lazy to run and finding excuses for my that poor legs.. tolerate with me.. Thats what a lazy person would do..

I need my peserverance. I dont have my whole heart in it. I gave up easilly. Just like the excellent and well said programme "I am gifted, So are you".. Adam Khoo Programme did inspire me greatly.. I drew all my plans out.. I wrote my goals.. And left posters in my room saying about the 6As. I got 3As. Not too bad uh. Guess why I got my 3As instead of the 6As?

The Adam Khoo Huge Big Brilliant Excellent Interesting programme only motivated me for 3 weeks. One week one A. duhed.

And I think I am getting senile. My supervisor at seiyu said i got a super bad memory. I have to admit. I hate history and geography all that stuff bcos I dont like to memorise anything at all. I hate memory work. One customer who just left one minute ago.. I can totally forget their faces and wad they bought.. Siew Mee had a really hard time and put in a lot of effort making me recall back. =)

Actually I think its a miracle I got 16pts. I think Its rather unfair. I didnt put in as much effort than the rest but I got further. And looking back.. I only did maths. Nothing much other than maths. And rmb my post blogs? I was blogging in the middle of O's.. and I was saying die die die die die for my chem.. I got no chemistry for chemistry and all that crap and junk. I was quite surprised actually. And god's rather kind to me uh.

yes. God's not rather kind to me. is very kind to me. Though my life not very perfect either but look in a way. I think its perfect. No one could be perfect and whats dere to go after perfect stuff? I am a half perfectionist.. simply bcos I can be a perfectionist if i have the mood.. If i am in a totally wrecked mood.. Just dont..dont bother me with anything..go to that corner and sit down.. be good and wait for your mummy to tell you not to bother me =)

Slack. Thou shalt not. I am doing literature.. Just a lil crazy idea.. I think I have to grow up.. To think differently..To react different.. To do different.. To be different.. Whats nice about letting people guide you? I dont have to be myself.. I just have to be another different me. And considering my future road.. I must be different..

uMMms.. The future me?
1) Dropped out of school and take over my mother's coffee shop..

2) Be a nerd for 2 years and..

a) go into law school and be a lawyer..
ai)Set up a law firm once I got my experiences.
aii)Work for the government and strive. Be the youngest jury / judges.
aiii)Be an ordinary Lawyer

b) go into business school and be a businesswoman..
bi)Set up a business firm.
bii)Be running the business of a company..and to a high respected position
biii)Do marketing and real estate.

c)Therefore It links..And then..Be a millionaire at the age of 25. (shall be a millionaire one year before adam khoo)

3) Be a housewife.Take care of household chores and be a Tai tai. Retire at the age of 40. (so anyone knows when adam khoo goin to retire? )

Thats how I like it to be.. Forget about the negative sides.. Let me dream a lil..

I wanted to be rich. I want to buy whatever my mum laid eyes on. I said before. I wanted to buy as many rackets and running shoes for my dad. I said that before. I wanted to buy as many snickers almond bars for my brother. I said that before before.

I wanted my mother to have a handbag that is only designed for her. There is no one who ever had the same bag as her in the world. I want a custom made handbag for her from a famous famous famous designer.

I wanted badminton rackets and running shoes cutom made for my dad as well.. He will have each of the brands. Shoes custom made from nike, adidas, reebok, converse.. whatever whatever..

I wanted my brother to have a building i bought down for him. The building shall be called Freddy Ng Qin Wei Hospital. He will be the head of the whole big hospital. He will attend to as many patients as he can.

I wanted Fei Yu Ching to stand in front of my grandmother.

I wanted to sponser my auntie to wherever in the world. She can go wherever she likes.

So many I wanted I wanted.

[[ That day ]]

Hedi.. Hedi would set up business company with me and we shall be the best partners.. We will be rich together..

Gera.. Gera would bring me into the mediacorp..Showed me the place.. I would see her on Tv.. listening to her 234567 Ji Mo You Mei Shan..

Carmen.. Carmen would set up a law firm with me too.. Or we will be partners and colleagues.. And we will be opposing lawyers laughing in the court room..

Amy.. Amy would be the coach for sports in everything.. She trains all the singapore team and be their coach.. international coach... And bring singapore proud..

Yiting.. Yiting would be another jury working with me and carmen.. we would let the accused be accused and the show goes on.. Famous Three Lawyers..

Michelle.. Michelle would be the famous accountant who closes her eyes and still can do accounting.. Everyone wants her to join their company..

Casse.. Casse would be a great model.. walking down the stage with glory.. and we'll see her in magazines and tv commercials..

Melissa.. Melissa would be at the singapore tourism board.. being the chairman of it.. knowing geography at fingertips..

ZhengLong.. Zhenglong would be the head for the bio chem industry in singapore.. Whats bio chem? He took biochem rite?

WeiJie.. weijie would be a famous engineer and he would help me to build my houses..not castles in the air..

Sylvester.. Sly would be the embassador for malaysia and singapore.. and bringing good dimplomatic relationship for singapore..

WeiJun.. Weijun would probably be a basketball coach? Think possible. He could be one famous coach and will lead us down to NBA route..

Victor.. Victor would be a speaker for singapore and singapore would send him over to other countries and speak with the ministers and presidents..and not forgetting singapore idol as well

Ronald.. Ronald would be someone like number 2 adam khoo.. giving big talks and he might be a writer on "my big theories and how to iron your clothes"

Siying.. Siying would be the main producer of all watches in singapore.. He would be the chairman of all watches company.. since i couldnt think of other things better..

Qiwei.. Qiwei would be a famous artist and designer for his differnt style and cool drawings.. He would be producing his own famous brand..

Shiqin.. Shiqin would be a teacher.. A head of the teachers.. A principal.. And someone in the MOE and the the Ministry of education minster, Nur Ashiqin

MeiShenm.. Mei shenm could be the discipline mistress? She would be the minister for strict and impartial laws?

Hassan.. Hassan would be the chairman of not only mustafa but as well as sheng shiong, NTUC, cold storage, Giant and many more..

Hakim.. Hakim would be a famous professor giving talks about mathematics and other subjects.. His talks would always be fully booked..

Farsana.. Farsana would be a housewife at the age of 21? A bit wasted. But perhaps she would be a teacher.. and no students would ever fail anything ever again.. A famous tutor..

Meenatchi.. Meenatchi would be another famous tutor working with farsana since they both got so much patience.. And they would open a famous tution agency..

Waner.. Waner would be also a teacher..housewife.. designer and the proudly partners with hassan since she already owned metro..

Chia ping.. Chia ping would be a famous comic drawer and the big boss of the whole Comics export..and she handles all the IT drawings..

Hakim.. Hakim would be a great teacher and perhaps someone so respected like being one of the minister.. hakim u choose one la..

Meryl.. Meryl would be a famous mathematician that she might invent her own ways of maths and to solving maths even more interesting and faster..

Mei ping.. Mei ping would be a great teacher too.. but depends on her.. she can be a consultant and accept 1000 per consultation..

Carolyn.. Carolyn would be the famous charitable chairman of all the years.. She would be binding all races togther.. The ministry of peace and harmony..

Li xin.. Li xin would be also another great teacher.. and perhaps she could be a exceutive where everyone asks for her advices..

Amanda.. Amanda would be a famous image or fashion or wad consultant.. All the stars would want her to help their fashioning..

Adhi.. Adhi would be the embassdor of Indonesia and Singapore.. Indonesia and singapore would have strong diplomatic relations..

Randy.. Randy would be an actor? Think he got the looks to be one..And He would took all the girls heart.. And we would be queueing up for his autograph as well?

Priscilla.. Priscillia would be a slimming consultant? and probably even model for her slimming companies.. The chairman of the company as well..Can i slim for free?

Too tired. to be continued. Big dreams. The picture is still unclear.

Right now I am only a part time promoter of B.U.M equipment.

I would be with my lawyer colleague,carmen tmr.. We will be working as lawyers promoters in B.U.M. Our Law firm is at liang court B.U.M equipment and Champion. See ya dere!..

[[ B.U.M equipment ]]

[[ B.U.M equipment ]]

Had been working at bum equipment these days.. And for my march holidays.. I just wanna earn some money to spend.. And one whole week of staying at home.. It would probably kill me..

So perhaps some stubborn side of mine calling me out to work.. actually its quite a dumb idea.. And I have to really admit it that I am stubborn..

Hadnt been blogging.. basically I am so tired.. I came online though..

[[DayOne-Sunday]]

I was told to go down to Bugis Seiyu and work.. That day I arrived slightly early.. realise it was in a mess and no one's there around.. there was one girl near the counter working.. And I went over to ask her if she knows the in charge..and so we chatted.. Her name was Gret.. After that.. Siew Mee who is my supervisor taught me several stuff.. guided me thru the place.. where to punch card etc..

I chatted with siew mee for some time.. though not as many things to talk besides work.. I found out she's a malaysian and I realise malaysians are hardworking.. maybe they know the difficulties in live.. I wouldnt say it was quite bad but she was quite strict..

It was a sunday and people strolling in and in.. The shirts were in a mess.. And finally when we get the place down.. She asked me to go over to another side.. also under b.u.m.. there was 8 wagons and the 8 wagons was mountain of clothes =)

I began my day with that mountain of clothes.. the more i fold... the more familiar i become with the goods.. and that mountain of clothes always drive me nuts.. It was like forever cannot finish.. 8 wagons.. can you imagine? I took quite a long time folding them and went back to the counter.. learn how to serve customers and so on..

Carmen came and Siew Mee told me I am not supposed to talk with my friend so carmen left.. but luckilly carmen came and have dinner with me.. committed a sin.. we ate KFC.. hahaha.. the chicken was kinda soggy? And probably the worst KFC meal I ever eaten..didnt know why but the chicken just taste blehs..

And I end my day at 9.30.. basically bugis staff werent that friendly except for gret i think.. for other departments.. Gret told me.. the people here dont talk much except for you.. and the people here dont talk..

[[DayTwo-Monday]]

Was asked to go to Liang Court.. forever changing place.. and Its kinda hard that i am adapting to this environment and then.. oh well..

Got to know my colleague.. Beth.. When I first started out.. She gave me the impression of being strict.. and she is... but after that when guards are all gone.. We began to chat..

And simply bcos of Liang Court.. dere is no one else.. so its quite free easy job.. we just sit there and chat.. And we talked a lot.. I was thinking there was no common topic but everything was so easy.. and we just chatted for hours.. And the feeling was quite nice after all.. hahahaa..

And then the boss' son, Adrian came down.. and everyone was like kinda telling me bout this person.. He seems scary to me in the first place.. He is quite demanding actually but basically he is also another nice guy.. He looked a little like Jin Cheng Wu.. just that small little similarity.. There was money gone in that cashier.. And it was so tensed up.. and i can see that beth is a little stressed up.. after adrian is gone.. phew~~

And I forgot to chuck that 10 dollars into my wallet and came to liang court with no money.. I didnt really want to borrow.. dont feel good.. Its my first time knowing someone and borrowin money? Besides I was late like 40 mins.. because I got lost.. I didnt know where to alight and I over stop.. So I ate mac's mcspicy double for my dinner with my 300+ link points.. I would never eat that if i dont have money on me.. I confess.. I want a really proper dinner.. ahaha.. and I ate Ice cream quite a lot.. Forgot bout my slimming plan..mUahha..

And we talked bout our families.. Understandin the other better.. and she realise that I work while my parents didnt know.. and she let me go earlier.. I was so grateful.. And I rushed home.. My parents are start to complain bout the late nights home..

[[DayThree-Tuesday]]

I got posted to Bugis seiyu again.. Actually I dont like that place because i get too busy and its quite stressed up.. The only thing I like about there is that I am familar with the goods already.. I feel happy if customers were to ask for goods..

Actually serving customers is quite fun..And sometimes you meet some strange customers and you can actually know some of their characters..

I like that confidence when i know where the clothes are placed.. saying about meeting strange customers.. There was quite a handful that really leave me a deep impression.. Shall say about it someday..

Gera,Casse and Qian Yi came to bugis to walk and they visited me.. lucky for them.. there is someone to accompany to eat dinner or else I have to settle alone.. What a terrible idea would it
be.. thanks ppl.. hahaha.. and It was KFC again.. hee....

Gret was working till 10 and I am release at 9.30...Siew Mee was released at 8.30 so that hour I was basically chatting with Gret..

And then packing mountains and packin mountains..And got home..

This time my parents were like.. dont go until so late.. you got boyfriend liao uh? what you doing? and many many many stupid and dumb questions..

I heard the warning in their tones.

Luckilly for me.. My colleagues are all very nice people.. even for those people i knew near the bum counter.. friendly and all nice people.. Ahahhaa..

[[DayFour-Wednesday]]

Today I changed location again.. was called to serangoon plaza which is part of mustafa.. I dont have really any objections about it.. I am not racist.. Hahahha.. I was supposed to meet diana.. who is the one telling me where to go for work and so on..

For Bum at mustafa there.. There is no other colleagues because the sales werent doing good so it is like wasting resources.. And once a while.. they called some staff to go there and pack..

I reached there.. A more Indians orientated place.. I wonder how would that be.. And went up to Bum.. Mountains of clothes =)....-.-"

Bum was between Bossini and AMCO.. I started packing as diana havent reach there yet.. And so i start to remove mountains and mountains..

There was 2 person working at Bossini.. I got to know this chinese girl called Serene who is the same age as me.. She is waiting for poly as well.. She is also quite friendly and nice.. But her in charge doesnt like her to talk so much.. The other one is her in charge.. I would smiled at her when see her but besides that we didnt talk..

At AMCO.. there was this indian lady called Bala.. I dont know how to write her name.. And I talked to her more because serene isnt allow to talk as much.. She is so cute and though her english wasnt very strong.. we still found our ways to communicate.. and the actions and the way she speaks is so cute.. hahahhaa.. There was quite an amount of laughter..

And during dinner time.. Serene brought me to this prata stall and eat.. The pratas were nice.. and i happen to see hassan there.. hahaha.. he works at mustafa so its like ok.. We ate and chatted quite some..

I dont mind working at there too since i got so many interesting people around.. At Serangoon plaza.. The staff are much more friendlier compared to Seiyu staff.. Though different races.. How big the differences is.. And Its very quiet here.. There was basically no one.. even quieter than Liang court.. And Serene said here doesnt even have mosquitoes to smack.. that is how bored it is..

And imagine the Seiyu scenes? I prefer it here lo.. workin like cow like horse.. omg..

Thats my life of working..Actually its quite fun. =)

[[ my expedition ]]

[[ my expedition ]]

Now currently at this moment. feeling low and moody. how i wish i can go like hedi to expedition. I am so envious of that. actually i also dont really want to go to expedition.

the only thing i can say right now..

this feeling sucks.

I am going alone in my world. I'b like hedi. going off for an expedition on my own.

My own expedition.

My expedition.

I'll set off right now.

actually i am already in my expedition.

[[ what now? ]]

[[ what now? ]]

basically..Im in a pretty alrite mood.. things happen.. things end..

many things happen recently.. say too much also quite useless.. my parents quarrelled again.. mum's left dere crying.. dad's not coming home.. all those happenings and happenings.. thank god i am still fine.. still as strong as ever..

now is my march holidays.. I went to look for a job and carmen intro me to her b.u.m equipment so i could at least earn some money or else i am so tight recently.. and it just so happens that today is my first day of work.. and i woke up too early..way too early due to some stuff and reason.. Hope everthin turns out right later on..

I dont mind working actually.. and i think its rather fun to work.. my parents got to kill me if they even know about it.. I am going to do "project" later on.. hahahas.. I got to make new frens and even more frens.. and I jus like the feeling..

probably.. if someone dont let you do something.. and you didnt try before... you might be curious.. and the more you want to do it.. thats probably how i felt..

what actually happen over the days were too long to even mention.. in school.. still skipping lectures and play cards.. as i had notice.. YJ is a gambling school.. everywhere you go.. you see ppl playin cards.. though will get serious consequences..people still play..

I lost money.. won money.. and life still goes on like that..

perhaps with my temp class.. I am portrayed as a crazy and noisy girl... Its hard to show my quiet side.. and with my permanent class.. I am portrayed as a quiet girl.. i guess so.. Its not hard to show my noisy side.. its impossible.. It just dont comes.. quiet is good.. I don mind rather being crazy all times long..

I made a lot of friends in YJ.. but they doesnt really bother bout me.. probably the next time i see them.. we are strangers back still.. too many too many names to remember.. and too many too many faces i carnt rmb..

I dont have that natural friendship bond with people.. some people they do.. just like ren yuan hao.. I have to personally make some effort and donate to the friendship bank..

And our temp class.. getting back to orientation first day.. back to square.. everyone split within the just 2 months.. I mean we dont want and dont really mean it but then.. we had our own paths to walk.. own thinkings to do.. jus like at the crossroads where we walked different ways..

Thats life. Couldnt help but feel a little wasted.

[[ anti-guys ]]

And 1 more thing.. I simply couldnt stand the guys nowadays.. irritating morons.. they are so evil and it really make me mad..

Girls are the most foolish creatures on earth.

Guys could make the world of theirs fly up and the next moment crash all the way down.. why would this thing call love ever appear in our lives..

They could be so nice.. jus like the pretentious wolves.. and do stuff that make girls misunderstand and when they doesnt even like the girl.. and by that time.. the girls had already fallen deep.. what the hell.. basically all guys sucks..

Its my point of view right now. My friends are all having relationship problems and i could simply do nothing about it.. so many of them.. hurt deeply.. and i am helpess.. what advice i can give? and their questions were all so tough.. and everyone bothered with his question of love right now.. what the hell.. why? guys are simply pigs and idiots.

_I+don+want+to+fall+in+love+ever+again__Itjushurtssomuch_

And it links to me in the end.

And i couldnt tell them to let go and they will let go easilly.. Its hard.. I couldnt do anything at all.. everyone coming to me telling me about their problems.. and i couldnt do anything.. I couldnt help.. even those advices its hard to think of even a soulution..

How i wish i can help everyone but i couldnt.

the only thing i could do.. is just that be dere and listen..and the rest is up to them.. but probably they wont read my blog.. so much for nothing..

[[ One in the world ]]

yes. one in the world. may all be just misunderstandings.. be all past.. there is only one in the world.. jus be patient and wait.. It just happens to make u stronger.. thank them.. thank those who u love.. they help you to be strong.. to cultivate ur patience.. and everything.. thank them..

thats the most i can do and say.

[[ munchin' away ]]

[[ munchin' away ]]
I am munchin an apple. Apples, apples and apples. okae. shall not drive far away from muchin away. ummms. actually i am munchin a sour apple and it makes me feel like crying.. the apple is so freakilly sour.. oh my god..

Okae.. Ask me what about apples?

I am under my slimming plan.. so whenever i am hungry.. I jus munch on fruits.. And I had been eating apples for past days.. and honeydew too..

And my this slimming plan is gonna torture me out.. but what to do..

I bet I eat less than 1000 calories a day.. phews~ but those fruits is really gettin me sick and bloated.. I have been very cautious of what i eat every meal.. And I couldnt eat fast food at all..

I am still hungry.. another apple? Aha.. thanks ar.. I'm full.. -.-"

[[ shell-shocked ]]

I was shell-shocked.. Am i rite?

I got scolded by my maths c tutor simply i did something rebellious.. I was joking anyway but he freaked me out.. And I know its my fault.. but I simply had no interest in his lesson or whatsoever anymore..

I think I am carrying it too far.. didnt know why I turned out to be like that.. It was actually not my first time getting scoldings anyway..

but i think i should shut my mouth up.. for good.. I said many many times.. I ought to keep a good image.. I wanted to be nice but its so hard..

Evil Lil me.

[[ Kick-boxing ]]

Went Kickboxing with gera and amy today..

Kickboxing is really tough and it really interests me much..

Powerful and Fierce strokes.. It is damn cool anyway..

And actually it is quite tiring and tough.. It stresses on your muscles much.. but I guess the best thing bout kickboxing is that you can vent out everything.. Be it your anger or whatever..

Just vent it all out.. And for that tiring hour.. perhaps you find peace and calm..

simply you can concentrate on it and think nothing else..

[[ Thoughtless ]]

I had many many thoughts but nowhere to place down.. too many.. held too much too much grief in me.. perhaps grief is a little too big word.. sadness i think..

I had nowhere to put it down.

Too many. Too many.

[[ My Life ]]

Perhaps it is simple.. and sometimes you feel different.. sometimes dere is ups and downs..

Maybe simplicity.

Maybe complications.

I feel simple and complicated at the same time.

Everything is in a pace.. either you follow or lag behind.. Its a routine.. Everyday my life is a routine.. you can call it simple.. but it maybe too simple and it turns out to be complicated..

School is getting stressful day by day.. My mind is always drifting away in the lecture theatre.. I dont understand what the hell the lecturer is talking.. And I find it too hard to follow.. so my soul is dettached from my mind.. I skipped too much.. I dont understand.. I dont get it..

How? What now? Can anyone tell me what to do?

Simple yet complicated.

Figure it out yourself.

[[ Everythin's over ]]

[[ Everythin's over ]]
I made my choice. I feel rather peaceful and calm rite now.

I only put 3 choices and everyone was like what the hell.. you only put 3? I actually intended to put 2 choices out of the 12 choices. I wasnt intending to go poly so I can only choose from the few JCs left..

My choice was Nanyang (Arts), Yishun (Science), Serangoon (Arts)..

Everyone was asking me why you choose Arts? Science is better..

I can give you all the answer rite now. It is because of this enlightment.

I sought for 2 person's help. My previous A maths teacher, Miss Lim and my cousin who is in NUS rite now.

Miss Lim told me that you have to had self-discipline at anywhere and anytime you go.. At that point of time.. I wasnt very sure but i know i am staying inYJ.

A part of me want to. A part of me doesnt want to. And for some personal reasons I dont want to.

My cousin told me to call her and she from there slowly guide me. I am very glad there is this talk. or else I have made the wrong choice and step in my future.

I want to take economics and maths c. And the other one subject I just chuck it with physics. For what?? I also dont know. I didnt know why I tried so hard to appeal for physics during the first three months. God doesnt want to me take physics for some reasons.. perhaps.. Its my stubborness which i called it perserverance.

My cousin asked me what I want to do in future. I replied I want to go to Business school. and she said. you didnt need physics to go into business school. Another part of me wants to do law.

And I could take literature. And If i take literature, I would need to apply for arts course in Jc. And yes. Why didnt I think of that? Why did i take physics to torment myself? I dont even need physics. Physics is hard.

Too tough for me to handle I guess.

And I got 16 points. and 15 after minus bonus point. And its 14 for NY arts. I can get a better chance to appeal rather than to the 11 for science course. So this time its the perserverance that i am going to appeal for it. I will do anything to get into NY.

Nanyang..sighs.. I always tried so hard to get in.. but its so hard..

After I submitted my registration. I do felt calm and peace.

Probably I end up in Yishun again. but.. There is still a small little hope..

I will pray.. pray hard.. for just that small little hope..

[[ Full of regrets ]]

[[ Full of regrets ]]

Now I am full of regrets.. Why I didnt study harder and get better results... looking at the JAE booklet.. I got basically no where to go.. I can only choose from the 4 schools.. what the hell man.. sighs.. wad should i do? where should i go? how? Its killing me..

I am so so so confused.. I obviously didnt like the poly route cos i wan to go university besides the poly courses.. can faint..

And luckilly MOE extended the date to monday or else i have to decide by today.. and its like hell.. Where Where WHERE?

Now as you are reading my blog entry.. pretend its you.. there is no favourism.. cannot be biased.. This is your choices..

-Yishun Junior College

I've been there for the first three months.. hmmms wad shall I say.. The people i know dere.. its fun and the ppl i hanged out with in YJ are mostly all staying.. Everyday in YJ is fun and play.. We can laugh all day.. And we skipped whatever lectures.. whatever tutorials and play poker cards.. do whatever things.. With temp class, we can laugh and play whole day.. with perm class also..

I regconise the people.. I know roughly how to walk there.. I know i had what bus to take.. I know the teachers.. Everything its already known to me.. I already adapted to the environment.. I hate changing environment..

But the only thing is I skipped too much lectures.. I couldnt catch up on anything.. And the teachers i got for permanent class isnt that good.. Well i can say i dont like the way they teach and dont like them.. But i had seen other good teachers as well.. And some lecturers are really interesting.. They are fierce and strict but i like because I need someone to push me.. No one would do that.. I know I have to grow up.. To take things on my hand.. But i am only 16.. the energetic period..

And the tests so far.. I had been failing so much.. I really couldnt catch up and I feel so stressed without knowing anything.. but I still hadnt wake up.. I am still playing.. I never skipped school in primary school, secondary school.. ever.. and now? Is it due to influence? What am i supposed to do?

Influence.. How can i ever let myself ever known this word.. I shouldnt be like this.. No one can influence me except myself but right now?

The people i know.. They are friendly and fun for most of dem.. If I were to go.. I wouldnt be so sad of the friendship we made.. but somehow I feel sad.. Its rather a pity.. They were only acquaintance and probably friends.. I somehow dont bear to leave as well..

And the environment that i am familiarise with.. Its already comfortable to me.. I dont wanna feel awkward and out of place anyone.. I dont wanna feel uncomfortable anymore.. I dont wanna go other places.. however i was thinking should i try out.. perhaps i like it much more.. but what if i dont like it?

Serangoon Junior College

I used to dread this college. I dont like the name. dont like dont like.

But to this date.. I have no choice but to accept the fact that I might enter this college..And my thinking is rather different now.. Its alrite..

Carmen.. someone i battled with during the o's period.. we study together.. laugh together.. she is one of my good friend i must say.. She is my partner for 2 years..and counting back.. I know her for 4 years..

We do things almost together.. Its fun and I would love to be in same college.. same class as her.. then she can study with me together since I am so slack.. we can push ourselves to study together...

but to change an environment.. I seriously have to consider.. I have to start all over again.. Its hard.. but imagine i can start anew again.. I can be hardworking.. I can make new friends.. though i might dread it.. The process is really hard.. you have to keep saving to the friendship bank.. but i might be good friends with them.. I hadnt met anyone really that i can become really good friends with..

In another words.. am i considering that I am going sr because carmen is going? I would really love to have a friend to study with me.. I wont feel uncomfortable.. My laughter can be back.. We can battled together again..

InYJ.. Its all about me..

I hadnt mention that carmen couldnt go YJ simply bcos its too far for her and she got no bus.. She can only choose SR..

And I dont know what bus to go to SR.. had to start all over again.. -restart.. you know?

Catholic Junior College

Previously I had very good impression of this school..I like the name.. I like the uniform.. Anyway uniform doesnt matter..

But Catholic.. People dere are mostly english speaking.. Its good but I feel awkward speaking english.. I dont speak well too..

And the people going catholic are mostly single sex school.. I dont mean to be biased but i dont have a really good impression of them..

Some I met in YJ.. They really irritates me much.. To me they are just too horrible but some i met doesnt.. but it already frighten me so much.. now i condemm it all.. I cannot stand the way they displayed themselves..

Hedi going to catholic..And my mother called me go with her.. so we can go school and go home together and can go out together also (*grin.. my line)

But since i dont really like it..probably its out of my choice..

[[ At the crossroads ]]

once again at the crossroads.. Actually shouldnt think so bad about cannot making up my mind.. how many times in one's life.. can one actually stuck.. Its gonna be my future so i must think clearly.. I cannot be so quick in deciding.. Have to consider carefully..

And as we grow up.. we seems to be stuck.. at least we consider carefully.. showing we do grow up.. progressing from one stage to another stage.. we seems to be at crossroads alot times recently but its a road everyone had to go thru.. so I have to plan again..

See you after the crossroads.

Feeling so much calm after this few sentences.. phews~ I still have some time left.. Had to decide fast and seriously..

[[ Confused ]]

[[ Confused ]]

I dont know where I am going.. I dont have much choices.. And I couldnt decide.. I simply couldnt make up my mind.. There is really lots of pros and cons..

And I know I am breaking down soon.. Cant take it anymore longer..

I didnt know why but i become more indecisive.. I want to consider poly route too but simply I was at lost when looking thru the courses.. Too many to choose from and i didnt know whats different from the another.. And one wrong move gonna affect my whole life..

I must be choosing it carefully..

I didnt know should I remain in YJ or should I try out other Jcs? What would I do? Where should i go?

I was in a midst of confusion..and..

[[ The phonecall ]]

Hedi called me. She was upset and she need someone to console. I tried to.. but she is really emotionally down.. I really dont know what to help her..

I thought I was clear of what I want to do and where i want to go.. but it turns out to be different..

I am lost. Stuck down there.

Her emotions got me. I didnt know what to say but that long phonecall..

We were stressed. Lost and helpless. She was. I am. We both were. We were almost arguing and shouting over the phone line.. crying at the same time.. She is really down.. And my tears went down as well..

Sorry hedi.. I couldnt really help you much.. I am helpless myself too.. And dont put that to heart.. I had my own thinkings.. Yours too.. go for your dreams.. Do what you really want.. Need not care to bother bout others..

She made me think of lots of things.. The other considerations.. And I really didnt know what to do.. People already labelled me as hypocrite and selfish.. Here I am having good results.. I was like..

But YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND ME..

I am havin a hard time too.. Its not my fault that some of you did badly.. I got where I was bcos I put in effort and time.. And some of it owe to luck..

Give me a break..really..

I am on bricks with friends.. Friends didnt care.. I understand they had their business going on.. but sometimes it hurts still.. I was dere.. where were you guys..

I dont wanna be a hypocrite..How can i ever explain clearly.. It doesnt helps..

And I am here to choose a route of mine..

I am already broken.. all possible chances from everyone..

People who did better than me was giving me that kind of consolation i dont need that.. and yet people who did not do that well as me need consolation and am i here to be a fake?

Carnt I express my own feelings for somehow.. I had my own troubles..

Deep down..fallen inside so terribly..

Dont comment on my post. Dont read my post. No one understands. What for. How I explain. no one can ever understand.. And the worst thing of all.. dont claim you understand..

I wasnt feeling that bad.. Just really lost..Didnt know where to head to..

Thanks sly and weijie for there to cheer me up this whole while.. Am really glad to have their accompany.. Though they were saying some lame stuff.. It really console me for that period..

And Wei Jie~ Happy sweet 18th BuRfDaE.. may all your dreams come true.. ~~

I guess.. I better calm down..

[[ Mixture of rain + sweat + tears ]]

[[ Mixture of rain + sweat + tears ]]

How should I describe this day? This long awaited day finally arrived infront of me. How could i say it.

This long day of tears. The most energetic day in my life.

Its the mixture of rain, sweat and tears.

Whats this date? Its not only painly the reunion of the school. Yes. The out of the o level results for 2004. And we are the parties involved.

The feeling is so undescribable. Crucial. How did I ever spend my weekend waiting for today? And looking back.. how did i spent my 2004? Everything is clear.

I got my results. It wasnt that good but it wasnt that bad. For me.. Its good.. I am contented.. I am surprised actually.. I am an ambitious person.. But this time round.. I am really happy.. really contented..

I got 16 for L1R5 and 13 for L1R4. Its good isnt it? For me.. It definitely is.

I didnt know what came to me.. I sat dere cry and cry.. Like a small little kid.. All I did was to cry.. I couldnt control my tears.. I thought it would be the tears of joy.. It wasnt like what i thought.. I didnt know what was that feeling.. I felt numb.. I felt nothing.. And all I did was crying... I didnt know why I became like that.. but the sort of feeling.. is probably relief..

I was remembering last year.. The worried faces.. There was this girl who did well.. and she kept crying.. At that point of time.. I was lamenting that she is crazy.. do well still cry.. It actually happen to me..

I didnt know why.. It just came.. Tears streamed down.. Not within my control..

It was a great accomplishment for me..I really wanna scream I DID IT. From a 38 during mid year to a mere 20 during prelims to today's 16. I did a lot though. sacrifice a lot.

Tears of comfort and relief.

And I did sth terribly wrong..

I neglected the feelings of the others.. I did well and require everyone crowding to me giving me tissue.. consolling me.. I feel bad.. I apologise.. to everyone.. I may be labelled as a hypocrite but i am terribly sorry.. I didnt know why but the feelings just came like that.. sorry.. really sorry..

And after it.. I felt dumb and stupid. And It was really nice to have so many people concerned and by your side.. I didnt mean to do it to you guys but i really couldnt control..

And even before getting results.. My tears already rolled down at a high speed.. It was even hard to calm down..

[[ My parents ]]

They were happy. They were glad.

It was kind of phew~ that they didnt mind.. I thought they had harbour high hopes on me.. I didnt let them down at least..

My parents can to be said to have a really good sleep. They can sleep without worry. Their only worry about me is no longer there. They are satisfied.

And I really feel happy that it somehow comforts them..

It doesnt matter which school you go but the O's is rather impt.. It sorts of determine your future road.. And they can lessen their worries.. It is so comforting to know that both of your children make it to the JC and it leads to the university.. They had a safe road down..My children can do well.. It is heart warming..

Even though 16 isnt anywhere compared to my brother who got 11.. but they can rest their minds.. I was happy i didnt let them down.. They were proud of me..

I went home and they were waiting for me.. we were talking for a very long time bout it..I can see from their expressions.. I really did them proud..

And it doesnt really matter which secondary school you go to.. And o's is not scary.. perhaps I am still freaked out.. It is too good to be true..

The friends who were there. The teachers who helped. Thanks. thank you so much. I had my day.

[[ Before ]]

It was 10+am and we were meeting. There is victor, ronald, shiaoloong, carmen, gera, wan er, chia ping, mei ping and me. We ate our breakfast at bendemeer mac.

Took a train down to plaza singapura. Hit the arcade. spending quite some time in dere. We then walk to Paradiz to have a game of pool. Siying, Qiwei, Meishenm came.

We were worrying every minute. feeling butterflies in our stomach.. I was afraid but i didnt know why I wasnt that afraid.. Someone called to say that the passing rate for english is 66% and we freaked out. play also couldnt play in peace.

We managed to keep our cool.. met up with hassan and make our way to bendemeer. time is running out and its alr 2pm.. we reached there late. the statistics were over. It was time to get our results...

The 66% was 96.6% and it really freaked us out so much. sighs.

It was rather hot.. rushing down.. and I am perspiring.. One by one.. slowly.. they went up.. smiles on their faces.. everyone i know is basically happy..

I was the last and before even mrs lo showed to me.. I was crying like one crazy woman.. Everyone was telling me to calm down simply bcos i couldnt.. I could not fail english.. If i did.. I couldnt go JC..

I took adhi's results long ago and i couldnt just face up with the reality..I went back to the seat pray hard and still didnt dare to get it.

I was the last up there. And i burst out crying and smiling.. too confused..

[[ The so called celebration ]]

I walked out of the school. It was raining. I was pespiring.. I was crying.. It was the combination of everything.

We went town. walk and talk. minus the minor details.

We went bugis and they dine in a japanese restaurant. Everyone did so well. It was worth celebrating.

And honestly.. 4E3 did very well.. Other years.. Compared.. We did so much better.. and a couple number of us.. quite a handful are qualified for JC..

Reached home quite late. It ends well and feeling sleepy. outta here.

The most energetic day and the longest day.

Will never forget.