[[ shattered dreams nightmare is over ]]

[[ shattered dreams nightmare is over ]]
My dreams are shattered.

My nightmares are over.

I dont really want to ponder over this question again but really why?

WHY AM I SO USELESS?

YES . I am angry and frustrated at my own uselessness. Blame it on that.

I have nothing worth commenting about. I dont wanna any consolations. I am sick of it too. sick of saying thank you. sick of being grateful.

Yet..no one showed they really care..

My hands shivered.. I feel sick.. I feel unwell.. I feel terrible.. I feel so useless.. I feel like as if i am dying.. I feel like running away.. I couldnt play at all.. I feel so uncomfortable..

I feel like crying.. simply i am so frustrated.. why couldnt i play the game well.. why am i so afraid? I couldnt calm down.. Lots of why but left with no answer..

I didnt regret being there. I gave my best.. but i couldnt stop the shivering..

No one cares so its alrite. Everyone lamenting.. commenting on how bad how poor my badminton skills are.. They laugh.. once they heard I am going to trial..

No one really cares. I dont care too.

Yet I struggled. I showed my happy side to everyone. No one ever knows how terrible it feels.. All these laughter and talks are pulling me down.. no one knows how hard i struggled to keep my smile up and believe going on..

Yes. I displayed an useless sight of me during the trial. I trembled. I couldnt focus which i tried so hard to. and do anyone how tough it was for me?

I been thru that less than 10 minutes.. but it was hell.. and after that.. I felt so terrible yet no one asked me are you alrite. People asked me so how was my trial?

How do i answer? Everyone asked me this. I replied. terrible. and they were like nothing. Does anyone really asked me how i felt? Am I alrite?

I dont even know myself. I am relieved that my nightmare is over. I am upset that my dreams are shattered. I dont even know whether am i alrite. whether am i happy.

I rushed over with confidence. with that own built up confidence and with help from some friends..

It was crushed. Everything was gone.

I dont expect to be in NYJC. but at least let me play a game that I could handle.

I felt so worthless. so upset because I am so useless.

Forget it all about that. Lucky Da sao was with me all the while. I rather have someone to be with.. it really comforts me.. lucky i am not alone in this battle..

We went back to nyjc and ka jiao my dude brother.. I saw the students in Ny.. I felt ashamed. I have no right to step in here. All the appeals I made. I just felt so useless..

I was uncomfortable about that place too. NY is too beautiful.. too perfect in my mind.. I just like the environment and the school too much.. but it was only a dream..

My dude brother was too busy for us.. running here and dere so we went off.. my da sao and I went to buy bubble tea and walked to the bus stop wondering where to go..

In the end we went J8. It wasnt a bad idea. I dont go J8 often so its alrite. I wont get sian. ahhaa.

Oh ya da sao. I rmb the stupid thing my brother did when he was young. I tell you next time.. Ahahah damn funny.. rmb to remind me.. ahahhahaha.. lols..

At Mu-ee.. we had a really great laughing time.. Ah bui.. Ah bui.. LOLs.. cannot stop laughing.. hahahhaa.. Ah bui and Ah san.. dots..

Oh.. Stephen Fung and gillian frm twins would be dere but i din see dem aniwae.. Went home after we walked the whole of J8?

And I went home and rollerblade. Blade here and dere.. And till hedi came up and ate dinner with me at my house.. She used my another computer.. and we sorta lame crap around.. And I continue blading at home.. though tired but i still blade.. And in the end she was too tired and she couldnt take it.. so she went home..

And den I blade again. It just keeps me going. My legs were numb yet i continued. I still keep going. I duno why but perhaps I wasnt really in an alrite mood.

I dont know what happened to me too.

I felt so useless after all. I dont have any abilities.

I am not in a mood for anything. Perhaps. tmr. I would be fine. Give me time to calm down. Just leave me alone for this moment.

My shattered dreams or my nightmares?

What was it?