[[ I wonder, I wonder ]]

[[ I wonder, I wonder ]]
wonder what?

Lots of things.Lots, lots and lots.

[[ The day ]]

Tomorrow. It seems so super duper fast.. How am i gonna survive thru the night? I already having nightmares for the past three days.. I carnt even sleep in peace.. What shall i do..? I sure couldnt get less than 20 for L1R5.. how am i going to face my parents? sighs..

and think i really wanna stay in YJ.. the friends i made.. the people i interacted.. the environment i used to.. the teachers i know of..

I really hate to change to a new environment.. I wanna stay.. Though the people arent that true.. but it happens everywhere i guess... I dont understand why but the people are really not true.. I dont know how to describe..

People walk past and past.. No one bother to look.. Everything here its about your outer most look.. ur appearance.. and which is why no one is true.. no one bothers to be..

I prefer to be a college where my mentality is still havin fun.. I need tchers to push me.. I am a born slacker.. Have to admit that..

Rite now i carnt ever find friends to work hard with.. everyone is all about having fun.. If i really need to work hard.. I need some motivation.. some friends to go about with me.. that would be really hard..

[[ The nightmares ]]

I dreamt again today. Its been the third day.. Is it that scary to get ur results?

[[ Her dreams ]]

Who can ever pull me out of the mess? I can already predict.. The PSLE. Its like the same. getting results that my parents din approve. I am not smart and hardworking. Yet my parents have high expectations of me. I rather they have low expectations and be surprised. rather than getting dissappointed..

Its like tomorrow would be the day. Its gonna prove everything. Determine where you go. And your future road is laid from tomorrow.. No one likes to repeat anything..

Where am i gonna to be? Its like everyone is so certain i would do not bad.. but how could they ever understand my feelings.. They told me shiping u sure do very well.. but are they the ones doing the paper? doing my paper? How could they understand..

Its so uncertain. I got a feeling its bad. And i really want to get into college. Thats since young.. something i dreamt of.. Its been my secondary school dreaming of getting into one.. Without really hard work.. do you think i can make it?

I wanted to go university.. Its been my childhood dream..

And everyone would tell me I can do it. Are they cambridge or whatever? and if tmr i didnt do well.. I am gonna be very very dissapointed.. Everyone had high hopes.. giving me high hopes.. and and and what do you think?

I really have no idea but i am very scared.

My results will be out. My results already been known to all teachers before i even stepped into the school tmr. What will their face show? Is it really dissapointment? What is that? I have no face.. nowhere to hide for tmr then..

How much i wished i could do well. I wanna believe in myself so much. I am thinking positively but i had to consider the bad side at the same time..

And dont console me that much.. I am already thinking positively and believing in myself..

I wanna believe. Believe is a strong word.

[[ Calm ]]

[[ Calm ]]

Everything is calm. What shall i say but everything is calm right now? Arguments rise and settled. No one is pissed with no one.

I was typing one whole chunk of entry as usual and my computer hang.. faint*~

We should be on guard all times.. really.. People might turn nasty anytime and we should beware..

My fren send me sth.. and I wasnt aware and accepted it as nothing happens.. And it was virus.. crashing my computer.. I shouldnt blame her.. It isnt her fault.. We are victims of this incident and why was someone so mentally ill to create such a stupid virus.. Isnt his/her life so peaceful until he/she becomes insane to create viruses?

Though my fren didnt know but all those viruses all happen to me.. Perhaps I am not gullible.. Just plain stupid.. argh.. Didnt know why am i so dumb.. Whoever send me I jus click.. getting on my nerves.. sighs..

She didnt mean to.. but still.. We have to be on guard bcos simply the future is so unpredictable and there is still people bearing evil thought around.. We just have to be aware..

I am not saying her directly.. Just know why we have to be cautious.. Through ecperiences.. we learn.. and one cannot remain innocent.. The past is past.. We lived our childhood before.. and the innocent thought should be gone..What a pity though..

And the next time whoever send me virus.. I shant be that dumb alr.. but who knows..

[[ The Long await ]]

Monday shall be the day. Guess I shall start panicking. What to do? Damn scary loh. Sighs. The long awaited finally arrived..

Hanged..

[[ Thoughts for today ]]

Nothing much.. I am drained today.. once got home slept till 8pm.. now still very tired..going sleep soon..

On the bus.. I saw one cute lil small boy happens to take 21 as well.. He was looking out of the window.. I was looking at him.. So cute..

so curious of outside the bus.. curious of the outside world but he is still innocent.. live the innocent days well..

I saw his mother beside him.. She was young. Her eyes showed me though young but tired. She was a young mother as the boy is still young.. Didnt give much thoughts.. until i happen to see them stopping at the stop which i am alighting.. opposite of it was the rainbow school.

And it so happen that the small cute boy was wearing that t shirt.. It was a pity.. The mother's eyes was tiredness and weariness.. The eyes which once shone light was lost..

It is not the boy's fault. not the mother's fault. Whose fault?

Sometimes life is just so unfair.. yet there is no one to blame.. not the fate you've got or the heaven.. just so no one..

Yet we have to live with it.. Thats how unfair to us.. but to the world.. everything is fair.. Just simply look at something you are not happy with urself.. and look at that one thing people had their eyes on you.. How was it different? You got something good and something bad. It happens together.

I dont have a nice skin. dont have a beautiful skin. At least I had some other things i think its nice. and look at some others.. their skin was worst.. how was it? feeling any better now?

No one is perfect. True. but think perfectly. You'b perfect. Dont care bout others. Deep down. think that i am perfect. The whole world is perfect. Isnt it nice?

[[ The 7 of us. ]]

[[ Empress dowager might be back soon ]]

Adults are strange and funny creatures. They are contradicting themselves all the time.

Take my grandmother for example.. She was so unwilling to come to our house and when she's at my home.. she wanted to leave.. now she want to come again.. I couldnt blame her but then when she's at my home.. I dont have a good and easy life.. Its hard time living under the same roof.. I seriously duno what to do.. And I am in such a difficult position.. sighs.. But its not her fault..

What can i do? To be honest.. Living with her can be a nightmare.. I am so under controlled and my freedom is so much little compared to be given by my parents.. My movements thinkings and everything are to be restricted..

What am i supposed to do then? I dont want to complain but i need a life too and esp my life..

[[ Our T17 reunion ]]

I went out with T17 today and today is the only day when all of us is free.. And that is me, melissa, weijun, weijie, sylvester, khing lun and zheng long. yeap. The 7 of us.



Its been quite some time that we hadnt meet up and seriously.. We have been turning more distant.. And I am glad that today's meeting comforts me that everyone is still the same old dem..

We went to town and was wandering around.. planning what to do.. many thoughts have came up our mind and the K box thought has been banished because we are broke.. But we were at cini asking how much.. we only wanted to ask.. and it turns out to be quite cheap and *snap.. we are already inside.. laughing all the way..

Doesnt have much thoughts now simply bcos my brain is shutting down..

[[ Phoneless Era ]]

[[ Phoneless Era ]]

Oh fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

Mind me for my vulgarities.. but I wasnt that happy.. Let me show the anger in me.. jus for a little while.. bear with me..

No more phone.

I was walking home and my heart beat was beating faster and faster.. thinking here and dere what would dad and mum do to me?

The most is they confiscate my phone and I was thinking so be it.. anyway I must appease dad.. He is already carrying a lot burdens..And more nags and scoldings..

And It was really evil.. He wanted to cancel my phone and get me a high card. No naggings. No scoldings. And the very fact i reached home at midnight was no longer an issue.

It was the worst i thought. Getting me a high card is like changing number.. Limited calls, sms and the freakiest thing is I might as well dont use phone le.. My sms would be gone.. everything..

Perhaps its time for me to consider to get a watch.

Phones are distractions and is quite dangerous to our human cells.

And the thing i will regret most is perhaps the msgs i recieved and the trouble to tell everyone hey my phone is gone how nice.. and my beautiful phone.. With the functions.. and the most important the pictures in it..

Back to the phoneless era.

[[ The daily routine ]]

Was obviously in school today and everything is normal jus that the lessons were surprisingly fun today and interesting.. Though i was really tired.. It make my day not so tired..

And lessons end at 4 and everyone was already in the shut down mood in class.. And luckilly our maths tutor understood and didnt really stress us that much.. And after the lesson, everyone was back to the restart mood.. guess i was the only one floating and in the hanged mood..

Was killing time at the library trying to study for the econs but nothing seems to go into my head.. And in the end I didnt go for floorball because i am too drained.. I went home straight and meeting amy later on.. I was sleeping on the bus and i missed my stop.. luckilly there is other stops for me as well.. the distance was just further..

[[ The send-off ]]

I met amy at cityhall at 8.15pm. And we were off to singapore changi airport to send the special olympics players for their competition in Japan. Though we were only acquaintance to them.. but we went down to give them our support.. Hope they really do well.. Have fun and play well.. All the best..

Talking bout them.. It was perhaps one thing in life i felt satisfied to join them in their training.. It was quite an experience to know other kinds of people.. to feel them.. and to know their world.. And that one thing i never regretted is probably this.. A lil small sense of accomplishment..

At the airport.. I fantasize going on a holiday with amy.. How nice? I saw the departure list.. On the list was many many countries that i would love to visit.. The first that caught my eye was probably rome.. Japan, germany etc.. I would like to fly off at the moment and that feeling was so intense.. And how much how much i wished i could do that.. but dream a lil while isnt that bad either.. hahaha..

And the whole group of them was there already with families, coaches, helpers and so on.. They were wearing the singapore team jacket and when i saw it.. A undescrible feeling came in me.. It was that jacket.. And if i wear that i feel so proud.. proud of myself to be able to represent singapore.. but there isnt anything i can do.. Their families would definitely be so proud of them.. and i feel happy for them..

Amy and I were kinda out of place in the first place but after some time.. we interacted thru the card we wrote for them.. and took some photos with them.. It was indeed something to be glad over.. And when we handed the card to one guy.. He took it and didnt say much.. And i caught him looking at the card.. And it really really comfort me.. guess amy felt the same way.. I thought no one would really appreciate it.. but they do..

It was getting quite late there and when they left.. we wished all the best.. and they set off with many people waving.. got touched by the scene..

The RGS girls were there too and they made something for them. heart warming isnt it? Still the effort to come all the way down is already the biggest support.. And too much thoughts for that moments...

Amy and I went to starbucks and got drinks.. chatted awhile and home calls were on the way.. Took a cab home with amy.. Thanks amy for today.. Caused her to be broke.. Sorry!

It was really nice. And amy's right. It wasnt me being so indecisive.. and is cannot make a decision because have to consider other factors.. I was thinking whether going school or not the entire day.. And i have made up my mind.. Today shall be my own self declared holiday.. I need a really good rest..

Due to the pressures of schoolwork.. I am nearly crazy.. I carnt cope with the tests tmr.. and the presentation of our GP when we didnt do anything at all.. Its best that i stay away from school..

really drained. need a good rest.

[[ Pessimist and Contradict ]]

[[ Pessimist and Contradict ]]

My blog is forever in depression. I do feel a little guilty making people comfort me each and every time. honestly i dont know what more to write other than thinking pessimistic in here. However i am not that pessimistic. yet sometimes i do. Perhaps you refer me as a contradict more than a pessimist. Its more reasonable this way.

And whenever I am happy.. I dont blog.. If i am happy and bo liao. I blog. Forget it.

Tmr is really a damn long day for me.

I would be tired all day long and the whole week as monday affects the whole week..

Let us analyse this problem.

If i sleep late on sunday, I couldnt wake up on monday and would be drained for that day. Besides there is floorball on monday, which ends around 7+? and lessons end at 4. so wonderfully I go home slack here dere as I tend to drag a lot.

And if there is homework, I would be doing if i feel like it so i end up sleeping at 12 or 1am, waiting for my hair to dry too.

So i couldnt wake up at tuesday. And normally on tuesday.. school ends at 5.. i would be in streets or going to gym and reach home around 11.. and my sleeping time is still 12 and 1.

And wednesday, school ends at 1.30. I would go out with friends and freaked around and reach home around 8 or 9. and as i am a natural draggy person. I slept at 11 or 12.

And thurday.. school ends late again.. I would be in streets.. and my routine is like tuesday.. going gym etc..

And friday.. Saturday obviously no school.. so i can sleep late.. chatting on phone doing nonsense stuff and i sleep at 2 or 3am..

And As i said saturday there is no school, I would wake up at 11 or 12. And if ocassionally, saturday is my k- day.. I would go k and freaked in streets once again..

Sunday there is no school.. I would wake up at 12 or 1.. And I feel drained every sunday.. and I would take a nap because my les fren is forever not free on sunday and my other friends have family day. My family day over the years is sleeping together at home. We interact through dreams and thats how we bonds..

And so no matter how government promotes family day.. It is useless as we have our method.. And my parents still have to work on saturday even if i had no school.. what the holy hell.. And we would be awake automatically around dinner time as we have instincts of dinner ready.. We would clean up and eat..

Thats perhaps our interact time? No. We sit in front of tv, computers or fish tanks to eat. Sometimes even my rabbits home. And when the show is over. They go to bed once again.. And i carnt get to sleep due to sleeping too much.. how wonderful..

In short... my whole week is spoilt and thru years.. I still going strong as there is public holidays like new year and so.. But my black eye rings had been cultivated.

And I am talking rubbish here. Gotcha!!

feeling quite happy right now simply bcos whatever must be cleared had been cleared.

[[ Hide and seek ]]

[[ Hide and seek ]]

Recently got kinda fed up with the whole world.. not to say whole but most of the whole world.. Whats the use of handphones if people doesnt even bother to reply? Sighs. Its like so many people doesnt even bother to reply me. Its selfish. Shall not mention anymore. Perhaps I would consider not to reply anymore and moreover never take calls. Seriously my dad is going to kill me soon due to the bills and then?

Selfish people out there. Tons. On streets. In shops. Everywhere.

Shall not digress again. I caught Hide and seek on melissa birthday. What shall i say bout that show. Truly Its a good show and its plot and story is interesting.

And the killing scenes.. I cover myself with the jacket.. And it felt nothing except relief and more relief when i heard the audiences screaming.. Its frightening to hear even though..

Come out. Come out wherever you are.

Lets play hide and seek. shall we?

People hide themselves. I have to play hide and seek with them. Seek their inner soul. Find the true them. Its so hard. And People play hide and seek with me too.

I should be gone right now. Tmr I had tests and tons of stuff to do. Gone.

[[ strained relationships ]]

[[ strained relationships ]]

Why was the relationship between people that vulnerable that anything which comes across it can easily breaks it? Isn'it supposed to be strong enough to overcome hurdles and hurdles..? Why was it that vulnerable especially I tried so hard for every friendship..

And i thought i deposit a lot into the friendship bank and guess i failed.

I dont know what might happen next but i feared of everything.

Everything is so different if you looked carefully.

Beware. Choose your step carefully.

[[ At the end of desperation ]]

[[ At the end of desperation ]]

I should blog right now. The blog about being pissed should be removed. I was a little emotionally unstable and mentally crazy at that point of time. Too many things being crammed together. And was one big upset mood for me. I hadnt blog for a long time and i carnt remember what have i done over the week.

Lessons in YJ is really quite boring and i hate it when i carnt catch up on anything. I had been absent for lectures and lectures. I know i shouldnt but I just dont have the mood to study.. jus the mood to play and slack.. Wasnt really playing that much.. Its just the slacking part.. And the tests is all out.. didnt know what should i do. All the best for me. My lecture notes are blank and blank and blank. Congrats me. I already failed the physics one. and the following probably would be econs and maths.

I am trying my best to be happy if anyone can tells.. I am upset but I doesnt show it.. I do turn solemn for a while.. but i claimed nothing is wrong.. in fact.. everything is wrong.. my world is upside down right now..

Recently not only a few but quite many said that i have an attitude. Some people in YJ not to be mention doesnt even want to speak to me. And I made some of my good friends turn mad and damn pissed of with me.. Friends in YJ changed.And I met a lot problems in YJ especially relationship between people.. which i never really met before.. People do hate me..

Was it that innocent thoughts that allow friendship to be created easilly and was it that grown up thought that whatever we do.. there would be cautions to it.. Everyone is holding some caution against everyone.. I dont have a motive.. I just want to get along well with everyone.. Like the "ren xin xian er" theory.. We dont use it at young. We dont even know the term. Thats what i mean.

And here everyone sees the outer appearance..

Dont. Dont look at me. Look in me.

Sometimes people just say something casually but i take it very seriously.. esp those words that can hurt me..

I have to admit I am childish and playful.. I carnt jus stop dere quiet.. the only time when i get quiet is when I am sad, angry or tired. I carnt get serious.

I dont really think i have a childish thinking.. sometimes perhaps..But I act childishly.. Ya maybe..

And the results are out soon. I am damn scared now. Everyone was asking me why I am so calm and cool last week when everyone else panicking.. I still haven experience that kind of heart attack.. but now I also began to panic.. I was having the thought.. enjoy while i can.. Dont have the life anymore..after it..

And the people in colleges are quite scary.. You never know.. I must start to be cautious.. They are not the same like your fellow friends.. Didnt know why but i have no intention.. All i want is to mix around and make more friends but here.. not much give me a chance to.. Its kinda sad but I have no choice to when everything comes like that..

Get real peeps. wake up from dreams. Face reality.

No more innocent faces.

[[ Pissed off ]]

[[ Pissed off ]]

Its great. Everyone is so pissed off. and me too..

I mean whats with it? It was like everyone..

All those i know having the pissed period rite now.. why..

Is it that o's results are out soon? whats that?

sighs.. i dont have a good life too..

And honestly.. I am not having a smooth period right now..


[[ The CVD ]]

Today in YJ is CVD.. celebrating values day.. There was like a fun fair.. Its quite fun.. and the environment is damn nice.. And i was tired like hell.. and caused everyone to be pissed by my actions.. sorry.. my fault..

Whats wrong. Whats wrong now?

Too many. Too many problems.

Too many hold against me. Why? does the fault lies on me? Do i sucks? really honestly.. I think I have something that no one likes me. Why? Why do everyone dislike me so much? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why could no one accept me? What was it? There is something wrong with my character. Why? How come. I do sucks.

And my tears shall rolled down once the already dried for quite some time cheeks of mine..

happilly crying away again..

[[ Valentine's day ]]

And my valentine's day wasnt quite smooth..

In fact i thought it is the worst valentine's day..

In the past.. I didnt gave much thought bout it.. Because still innocent.. But i saw couples and couples.. That feeling wasnt that good.. It was awkward walking in the whole streets swarming with couples..

And the worst thing was in school.. I felt so bad.. I am invisible.. transparent.. and and and so much worst.. I wanted to hide myself..

I walked away.. I skipped lectures.. I didnt join them.. I was wandering in school finding a place to conceal myself.. hide myself away.. so that no one can see me.. and i almost broke down..

I didnt know why.. I really didnt know why i ended up like that..

I wanted to get away badly.. get out of sight and to a place where no one can find me or see me.. When i was walking around the school.. I see people.. That feeling wasnt good.. And all i wanted is to find a place to hide.. a place where i can declare my own.. a place where my world is out..

I am really tired.. really sick of this life.. What should i do?

My temp class people were mixing well.. They had their own friends.. and me?

feeling so out of place..I am desperate.. really desperate to run away..

No one can understands why. They dont know and they pretend to know. Can you free me with burdens..

I have so much work to do.. so much things to catch up..I have no one to blame.. Its my own doings..

What a valentine.

I am stressed and i wanna break down..

I can mix with no one here. I am alone.

Breaking down rite now..

Please..

Leave me alone..

[[ happy chinese new year ]]

[[ happy chinese new year ]]
Today is the first day of cny and to be exact.. second day of cny cosh midnite is over.. Lemme dragged a bit..
Let me write a report.

[[ The Reunion Dinner Aka CNY eve ]]

YJ hold their cross country on CNY eve. It was the dumbest idea that everyone thought but it turned out to be not. I didnt think it that badly. bcos I'll be meeting T27 our gang after and before the run. I didnt know why i grew so attached with dem.. and grew distant with P17.. I jus couldnt find a place to stand in P17. thats why i chose to meet T27 always...

In the morning.. agreed to meet them at 6.45 but zhenglong called me at 6.30.. guess where am i? I'm still at home. He already reached and almost we all are laughing at him.. lamed~

I wasnt consider the latest at 7+.. the second latest.. sly and weijie are the "v.i.p"s.. There was terence, me, zl, eric, sly, weijie... we were meeting melissa at 7.30 @ eunos.. And we were 7.10 @ cityhall..

And the big walk..

The run started shortly and I was one of the first few from the back.. I was walking at a snail's rate to wait for weijie sly and zl to catch up.. After some time they did and we were bullshitting while we walked..took lame pictures with my phone during the "walk".. one thing good is that they allow us to walk.. so we really walked..

We went to mac and ate with zhenglong,eric,kimwee,trekkie.. the rest came after that.. And we went to rent bike and cycle.. Sly, trekkie, melissa and weijun rented blades and sly keep bullshitting how good he can blades and the moment he blades.. we all had a great laugh.. and in the end.. Zl change with sly bcos he wanted to learn.. trekkie and zl have a hard time learning.. and the stupid sly keep intercept my bike.. was furious bcos i was damn scared.. aHhh..

Went bugis after that.. again.. everyone voted for bugis only i voted for town.. sickening.. purposely against me.. we went after our lunch at mac.. our reunion lunch which sounds stupid.. yeas.. reunion for our T27 and friends.. lols.. and we took neos.. shop around.. craze around.. hang ard and went home for reunion dinner.. Was running late.. for me.. too early.. they wanted to take a cab home and we end up wasting ard 30 mins waiting for one.. It was crazy.. I stay at boon keng.. Zhenglong stay in Bishan.. WeiJie stay in Woodlands.. Sly stay in yishun.. In the end.. we split and take bus home.. damn lame.. hahahas... but it was funny that moment..

I reached home.. too tired.. and slept.. And by the time i woke up.. Almost everyone is at my house already.. Its crammed and noisy but its fun.. Everyone was digging into the steamboat having fun.. I was playing with my com and everyone else busilly eating and etc.. Too many people and had to take turns to eat.. so i waited.. And sometimes i was in the room.. having nothing to do.. Introvert? Basically i had nothing to talk to my one-year-meet-one-time cousins.. And they somehow changed.. mature and grow up.. thinkings changed..

Our dinner ends and it was quite boring.. Again.. I was with my com..

Hedi came to my house to play... we played cards.. fooled around.. and it was like midnight and she was summoned home.. hahas but we have fun~..

The day ends.. tired for me..

[[ First Day Of Chinese New Year ]]

I woke up late.. bcos no one would visit us so early.. I dont have relatives at my father's side or rather i dont visit them but my cousins do.. so our house was empty in the morning.. good for me.. I can sleep..

I recieved my first Ang paos(red packets) from my mother.. Since staying at home.. I dont even bother to change my clothes.. What for.. gahahas..

It was crowded.. everyone strolling in one by one family.. and It was soon packed.. In the noon it was quite boring because not everyone had reached and I am still sticking to my computer.. It was till the gambling part.. Bcos I'm always dere.. and I won 6 dollars that day.. It was actually 10 but too bad..My mum and everyone else labelled me as a compulsive gambler.. oh well..

There was mahjong and cards.. ha ha ha.. It was perhaps that it wasnt that uncomfortable between cousins.. We had dinner together.. delicious stuff.. my favourites..

And we were off to catch a movie.. there was 9 of us.. Cousins bah.. elder cousins.. I get along better with dem i guess.. and we were off.. Its nice to go with cousins.. everything is sponsered.. gEees.. Watched I do I do.. quite funny show.. entertaining.. hahas.. interesting.. We went to chun dao he pan since its so near to marina.. And we sat the rides.. Its like damn ex lors.. 7.50 per ride.. per person.. and It is driving me headache.. Was damn scared.. *squeeze eyes hard..

And reached home quite late.. midnite show.. every year there is midnight movies which i really looks forward to..Wanted to blog but too tired which is why i delayed to today..

[[ Second Day Of Chinese New Year ]]

It was basically the same.. The people were less.. The gambling were less hiong but i lost money.. quite big sum.. carnt rmb.. Not much fun activities..

And the worst thing. There is still school tmr. really hestitating again. should go or not.. I was like damn indecisive.. And i went..

[[ Third day of Chinese New Year ]]

My mother didnt work for today.. and she was the housewife.. and Its nice.. I thought my mum was a fierce one if she becomes one.. but she didnt.. She took care of things properly and nicely.. how nice..

Went school.Sians. No familiar faces around.. my temp class people were skipping.. and it was kinda bored.. sticked to my permanent class.. still felt the same.. when would this feelings go away?

At least i felt better.. so much better..

I got to know some friends.. Alex, leonard and jerry... They are paulin and kenneth friends and whom they always hang out with and me forever feeling left out.. Now i know them.. Aha.. hahah.. thats so good.. fantastic.. I wont feel isolated that much..

We went around northpoint a kopitiam to eat.. Alex told us stories about vegetarians and he is a strong vegetarian.. wow.. I was listening.. And didnt know why.. I think vegetarians food are quite nice.. and I do agree that we should not eat meat.. but thats the way we brought up.. and my determination isnt that strong.. He told us stories about it and animals cruelty..

And at YJ basement library.. We were playing cards.. gambling again.. Won a few cents.. Kenneth lose quite a lot money jus from 20 cents each time..

It turns out pretty alrite.. And gosh.. we still have 2 project work at hands.. Econs and Gp.. gosh.. handed in by monday and tuesday.. how am i gonna finish..

Aniwae.. people.. Have fun for new year.. Have a good prosperous year of rooster.. Take care and may dreams come true..

[[ too invisible ]]

[[ too invisible ]]

Had been too invisible for so long. felt numb too.

Those people walking around me.. Who were they?

Am isolated too. What has gone into me? Why a sudden change? And totally out of place.
No sweat.No worries.I had been strangers with those people. I can take it. Absolutely.
The strangers i met were friendly people and i didnt know why i associate them with strangers.

Basically.. I was hanging around with my ex class peeps.. There wasnt a really strong bond to keep us together.. but the bond is better than the bonds between strangers.. We were laughing and kidding all day long.. but but but.. I notice a change.. I carnt possibly stick to them.. They were far more than acquaintance with their class.. and thats what you called friends..

And why is mine still strangers? They were very nice people and am I concealing myself to my hidden world? So whats my problem man? Perhaps there isnt any problems with them.. Maybe the problem lies with myself.. and I have absolutely no clue.. what the hell man.. sighs..

And my grandma came over to stay over for a couple of days.. She didnt know who am I.. sighs.. her memory is failing..

I had a happy family. Everything was smooth. Lets see. Lets see.

And my mum was happy with the bag we got for her.. It costs 130 bucks and i went down to bugis once again to get it.. and aha.. she wasnt really mentioning this particular bag.. she wants to buy of these bags there..

I was talking to zheng long today.. sometimes it really feels good to talk everything out.. I hope he is feeling better.. cheer up pal.. There is something more in life..

Drained..

[[ My happy family ]]

[[ The silence. The darkness. ]]

I stared blankly into space.

I stared into darkness and silence.

My world was shut down at this moment.

I carnt see and i carnt hear.

Too many things going on my mind recently.

Mental blocked out soon.

Why have I turned like this?

Where was that once brave warrior who fought determinely.. though got defeated many times.. but at least she stood up bravely and fought again..

And now, now now.. she was like a total failure.. who gave up before she tries to fight..

She holds her mentor's pencil.. she felt she has no right to.. she let her down.. She was considered her mentor.. once who guided her.. but she didnt gave her strength.. she showed her how she found her strength..

Where was that warrior?

She has to find her strength back and to fight like once before.

Right now. She see no light... still darkness and silence..

Now, now now.. find it back.. find it back.. find it back, child..

[[ My happy family ]]

Today I went shopping for new year clothes with my mum and brother.. I was happy.. It wasnt that kind of happiness you can laugh and find it with friends.. It was sweetness that came out from one's heart..

And looking back.. It was so much different..

When was the last time we went out together?

My brother and I used to dread when looking at clothes.. It was that innocent thought that its troublesome and we can wear anything as long its comfortable.. and its that thought again.. And our mum would make sure we fit the clothes.. and she must see how we wore it.. And we would showed it to her innocently..

And right now.. my brother didnt want to let mum see how is he in the clothes.. It was that grown up thought.. It was very different.. Not much people will understand how we felt.. and why we felt this way.. But it was alrite for me.. I didnt mind.. Where was that innocent thought again?

We really have grown up.. It was scary at the same time too..

As my mum was looking at some stuff.. My brother and I went to the coffee bean wanting to have some ice blend.. and I didnt bring my wallet.. so i have to borrowed from my brother.. But my mum pay for it.. She didnt gave much thought and she didnt know its quite expensive for jus 2 cups of coffee.. And she asked us if we want to eat the cakes not.. And we told her how ex the cakes were.. She was telling us nevermind nevermind.. Again.. I was surprised.. It was that innocent thought once again that she would say no.. but she didnt.. She didnt reject us drinking these exp stuff.. We didnt buy anyway.. guess my mother had the same thought as me..

It was just that 10+ bucks for my children to be happy..

And it was just that few dollars for my mother to be happy..

Looking at my weary and worn out mum.. I was wondering.. wondering how long have she been out there shopping.. She seems to be out of touch with things.. She hadnt had the time.. My mother wasnt as lucky as other mother out dere.. She didnt buy herself much things and she didnt have the time..

I want to accompany her to streets.. I want to accompany her to shopping.. I wanted to buy what she laids her eyes on.. I want my mother to be happy..

And we went to arcade for a game of percussion.. and this mother was spotted at bugis basement arcade.. There was basically no adults around and she willingly went down.. We asked her do she wants to join us? I was afraid we would bored her.. but she say go together.. I wasnt unhappy that my mother was tagging along.. I was proud that i had my mother around me.. I was walking thru the arcade proudly with my mother.. And my mum watching us playing.. She sat down wearilly once again.. but she smiled.. proud of this 2 children at the same time..

I was hestitating.. It wasnt really a good place for us to go there as you know.. Its rather complicated in the arcade.. And should mum knows we goes to arcade often.. but after that.. my hestitatings gone.. She should know.. We were down at the arcade for some games.. and she should know.. ought to know and have the right to know..

And she look bored but she didnt stop smiling.. And when after her game.. She didnt complain.. She was smiling also.. From her expression.. I saw her eyes filled with happiness from her two children.. They were happy and so she is happy too.. I have a great mother..

And i got a pair of shoes from adidas.. thanks again mother.. she was hanging the " dont buy so ex one " on her mouth today but she didnt do that.. guess she wanted us to be thrifty.. Our shopping today spend so much and perhaps over 300+..

She spotted a bag at OG.. it costs around 130 bucks.. And my brother and I going to share money to buy it.. We have to save and save.. And we wanted to get her before new year so we borrowed from dad first..

Mum would be glad.. Since she is going to buy and we should give her present since she dont buys thing for herself often.. she only buys for us.. And i shall repeat.. A hundred bucks for her to be happy..

Its worth it..

[[ Days of our lives ]]

[[ Days of our lives ]]

Today is our permanent class outing. And P17 has decided to go to the sunny beachy island named sentosa. It turned out that those who never skipped lectures skipped our outing and those who skipped lectures actually went. And our class was left with not much people.. so off we go..

And if you wanna ask me how is P17 like..

I can tell you. Its separated. Divided. There is many different groups in dere. yeaps divided.

I was planning to meet our T27 for dinner.. and talked to melissa on phone this morning.. I woke up late already and Im on the phone happilly chatting away.. without realising the time.. And i was late. terribly late. I came out of home and its 8. and they said they assemble in school at 8.15. I reached the bus stop and the bus has already passed the stop and is stopping at the traffic light. I asked the uncle if i can board and he shook his head. so without any choice.. I went to take the mrt.. Luckilly till they dragged on till 8.40 before assembling. And i was on my way dere.. Everyone on the bus was waiting for me..

Perhaps some time they will labelled me as the draggy or the late queen..

I lost my punctuality these days. Even meeting friends.. yesh and I'm draggy..

When walking to take mrt.. I was changing from NEL to the red line.. I thought it will be quite empty at this hour so I could hav a seat..guess I forgot bout the working people.. Normally it would be rather noisy at dhoby ghaut.. It was crowded at the station.. but there was only silence except the tapping of shoes.. I look around.. I didnt spot any student.. dere was only peoples dress maturely and carrying suitcases going to work.. The tapping of shoes was continuous.. however it seems rather peaceful.. I wonder when would i have this life.. and i think im going to dread it..

Soon. Soon, It will be time..

We will have to progress from one stage to another. Processes of life i guess... I didnt know why the tapping of shoes evolves me to think further.. And can anyone believe it? Im going to be 17 this year.. 17. Its like a very mature age.. and us? the forever carnt seem to be mature is going to be 17. It was scary. Life ahead indeed is..

I had the fear. And actually people around me felt the fear too. We are growing up way too fast.. and we will change sooner or later..

When jumping from primary 6 to secondary 1.. I didnt felt so much fear.. I didnt miss primary school that much though its fun.. It was that innocent thought that we are progressing from one stage to the another and I didnt give it much thought.. Right now.. why am i thinking too much..? and even to the extent thinking whats life.. and everything else..

And that is thursday's blog and my com crashed on thur so I shall post it now..

and friday i was a bad girl.. skipped almost all lectures.. went for GP, phyics only.. and Gp tcher was even madder.. she was one crazy woman.. And damn lame lor.. and and and.. i feel as though Im attending an hour of madness tutorial..

After that went to meet gera and amy.. and went walk at bugis before going to gym and we worked out.. and was tired.. I am broke too.. sighs..

Today woke up at so late.. I should go and change the panasonic wire but it is damn far.. and i couldnt wake up.. might as well.. Late for floor hockey too.. Oh floor hockey..

I shall blog bout the topic floor hockey.. It was last few years i think.. bcos we were part of the floorball.. Some tcher came to us to call us to attend a talk bout it by singapore special olympics.. And we joined in.. Floor hockey is played by the mentally disabled people or rather IQ low people.. And a year ago... when i joined in.. the game was rather fun actually.. It was rather a slow pace game.. and the people was like us.. they have nothing different with the normal people.. and they were portrayed as innocent people rather..

Few years ago.. We were teaming with them to make a floor hockey carnival to show that they are like us.. and unfortunately bcos of the big rain.. It was cancelled.. when training with them.. We were still able to cope and today.. we were like horrible.. It was countless of goals for them and no one remember the score.. for that like 2 hours.. It was uncountable to a mere goals of 4..

And I saw something.. It was their determination and i had much confidence that they can win the competition held in japan.. They were serious and committed to the game.. and yet i was like unfocused.. At least for that year.. i can see they trained very hard and we being normal people can actually lose to them.. And we shouldnt even discriminate people like them.. In fact.. I was impressed by how fast they can be.. Their abilities are far much more better than normal people..

The like one year without practising floor hockey while they were practising.. And i realise something.. They were doing something useful and I am slacking for that year.. They have stronger determination and commitment compared to me.. I should feel ashamed.. At least they practised to get to where they stand today and look from that point we all started out.. I have been slacking.. It wasnt about the winnings today or the embarrassment.. It was about how hard they tried..

They believed in themselves and after so much of my ashamed.. I still hadnt been doing anything..Why couldnt i get myself up.. where could i find those strength to move on and where do i get those kind of eyes like them..

It was so much and so much....And me..?

I should think about it over..

[[ second day ]]

[[ second day ]]

What to say. I really didnt know what to say.

Today it is supposed to be our second day of "gel" together.

And I feel blank. Empty. I felt distant and once again totally out of place. perhaps today wasnt a that bad day after all.

I was trying so hard. trying so hard to fit in but to no avail. They isnt like my kind. They were serious. Its hard to even crap. And would you want to know how hard i tried to?

It was hopeless.

I knew them but at least they knew my existence but to me my class was all strange people..

In the morning I was complaining to zheng long how my class peeps and me were. And i really don wanna join them anymore but he ask me to join in and i gave another attempt..

It was alright. We can talk. but still there is imaginery invisible borders between all of us..

when would this borders disappear..

Perhaps i haven see their crappy side..

Who knows what might befall in future?