bitterbitterbittersweet

i lost faith already. i lost all hopes of believing. no matter how many motivating courses i go, its hard to make me feel like before. the strong me that i believe in myself and many other things. I thought i was so strong that no negative comments can deter me because i wont bother about it. but right now, i was almost weak that negative comments make me weak. how can anyone help me to change this mindset right now. i know i am flawed. i have plenty of weakness with nothing good to comment about. i acknowledge them but i dont believe these weakness would stop me from getting to where i want. but i couldnt move on for a very long time. sometimes people say things that they wouldnt notice it would hurt me, but it does in fact. i thought just let them be. but now, i just couldnt.



i realised how much i've changed after sitting down there 11+ tonight eating satays and chicken wings.



things always get so bitterbitterbittersweet. for some kind of dumb reasons.

yellow

you know sometimes things werent the way it was. although most things were. and i can never find my place sometimes. i never like to feel out of place and still sticking on. but in reality, this happens always. i never like many things. never like to keep stuck in some things always. i like to run off and move on. but it all appears to be stuck. i can never walk out of this place. i still see the same old tree. same old flower. same old X. when can i walk out and to reach the garden festival.

and brother, how i wish to be like you sometimes. though friends were a different term to you and to me. but sometimes its like better off. i dont need much too. but i believe you walk a longer way than me. sometimes, more harsh more tough. but because of many things, you learn so much. and now you're so much stronger than me. like i never got thru things easilly. because i dont know how to walk away. to walk out. to disregard trivial things. and in fact, you had been always stronger than me. the things i gone thru were nothing. because it was as if i'm still walking in the shadow of it. because i am afraid. for some things that will mark you for life. it will follow me for life and the only way is to overcome it. but it takes time. and i wonder how long will i take. i came along only to stop because i fear.

some things are so ironic. feel so comical. i'm really amused.

i feel so. i feel so much. feel the same way i felt before. those feelings those thoughts were familiar. it aint good definitely. but you know i dont mean it. but its so hard to let you know.

missundaztood.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

the stars shine for me; i know.

just like a pill

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support,
there's a shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine,
cuz its making me itch

I think I'll get outta here,
where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

garden festival.

went mdm shelia's house for bbq ytd with floorballers. her house was filled with nice decorations. yeap i think the balloons were damn nice. am glad i got the biggest yellow one home. hehh. it was really damn big lah and i never seen such big balloons before other than those DHL's or advertisement ones. lucky for me, my dad came to fetch me if not i cant imagine to carry it on to train and bus. hmmm but i'll have to consider whether to take or not first. anw, the balloon really got me so excited. i feel like a kid again. and my dad keep complaining about it blocking his rear seat view. can you imagine how big the balloon is? its 4 times my head and i have a big head. but it seems to be shrinking already. ): i meant the balloon not my head

i am actually quite amazed with her chocolate machine at her house. i love chocolates. and i really wan to have to such machine at home too. and i think my mother will be breeding pig. if only i can have unlimited chocolates without growing fat. you know chocolate fondue cost a bomb. having one machine at home =D

i'd be still waiting for one day with me in my garden festival. maybe holding a super big balloon like this one with one hand and eating chocolates with the other hand. its like a simple dream but a far-fetched one. garden festival is where simplicity and joy truly lies.

im super upset cos i lost my waterbottle again. arghhh really sometimes wanna kill myself for being so forgetful. i lose things easilly. this time round is pei went malaysia bought the adidas waterbottle for me. really damn sian. i'm so sorry pei! sighh. you know i've lost 2 nike ones, 2 adidas one (now 3) and 5034 normal plain mineral bottles. really damn sian alr and this time round knowing its precious i looked after it so much but still.. arghh.. when can i ever learn to remember things?



sometimes i really cant be myself anymore. i wonder how long will it ever takes. for me to be back once again. diverting things dont make me feel real anyway. when can i really cool down and let shiping be herself again.

A simple thank you.

To my bestest friend : HEDI HO! though you seemed to change your views about the whole matter but it doesnt matter. because you gave me your ears. you let me know you're always there for me no matter what. and because of that i love you so much you know. although you know im frustrated, you're still with me. I want to be alone and you were behind keeping silent. thanks for talking to me. thanks for that elephant. thanks for that arcade. guess i really need that. hahha thanks for being so nice to have so funny friends that really made my day. its really good you know. although playing super childish games but i really need that.

To my another bestest friend : CARMEN ONG! thanks for that night telling me to be strong. When i felt lost and totally speechless, you were there offering me your shoulder. It was really touching. I could say nothing and yet you understood perfectly. thanks for telling me so much so much. you know these things are the best things on earth. thanks for hearing my silence. i knew no matter what, i still have you beside me. things would be fine.

To my another bestest friend : GERALDINE GOH! thanks for wanting to be there. i knew you would want to be there even though you're not able to. i can feel your sincerity. dont worry! you're always my bestest friend! i knew i still have you even if the world collapse. anw, dont worry i will meet you asap! cos i miss you so! =D

To CASSE! who tells me lots about disgusting people in friendster. it might not seem anything but for that moment, i enjoyed laughing with you 2 around. it comforts me so much to know you guys are still the same who never allow me to talk about unhappiness. instead you guys always talk rot to make me laugh. hahahahaha. unhappiness can never revolve around with you 2 around.

To someone who never complained and always stand on my side no matter what. you trusted me so much that whatever you hear from me, you believe me. I am terribly sorry that i took you for granted. Hope things would be fine someday. I failed terribly. Though i keep claiming about trust but i did not trust you. I know you did a lot for me. All i can say is sorry. forgive me, friend. im sincere i swear.

to those people who ever listened to me. thanks.

a simple thank you to you people.

i learnt many things. things that i have to learn is still a lot. relationship isnt that simple and easy as it was. i can trust friends cos i know that they wont fall on me. sometimes it good. im feeling good. sometimes, i should stop depend on anyone. i can be myself simply. sometimes i think a lot but this lesson i learnt let me know many things. there are still things that are beautiful in life. i should never try to runaway and hide in corners where no one can find me. because i feel strongly and i have no way to release all my emotions. thats why i have to run away. i am actually afraid of the darkness outside. and my brother taught me things i think i can never forget. i dont wanna think of many things right now. i just let life lead me the way and show me how. i'd just go along. as long i am comfortable. i missed the innocent days. the best. right now, i'd just go along. theres still a long way to discover the future. i'd let god do it. cannot be bothered so much now.

I have to admit. I lost. You won. because i have something that you have advantage over. as a result, i am weak. too vulnerable. I realised i am too weak you know.

Shattered.

People say i should not believe anyone 100%. they said i should only trust them 90%. i was angered simply i couldnt understand. why should i do that? i dont like the feeling of knowing someone and only giving he or her my 90% of trust. in another words, i would try to think how can they harm me. the relationship is not true at all. i was angry. i don understand. i want to keep things simple and true. but i jus realised the stupid one had been me. you know sometimes some words are sacred to me. i love simplicity. i never like to complicate matters. i was someone who likes to keep my theory strong. i believe in any relationship one must be 100% true. if not, things would not work out at all. trust to me is very important. trust is hard to build, easy to break. its time. its time to let me know this phrase is damn true.

its hard for me to start believing anyone else more right now. the one you trust most other than your family can often be the one who breaks your trust most and breaks your heart. totally. i'm shattered. i lost myself you know. i dont feel true to people anymore. onlookers should shut up. dont talk when you dont understand. and no one is going be part of my life anyway. so why should i care about you. the only few people i can turn to shows me more. that i have to be strong. they are there. i know. whenever i need them. even though school might suck like fuck these days, i will survive. no one can torment me. they will be there mentally. its time for me to learn. maybe i will be strong enough so i'll never need anyone else.

its your chance and my chance too. i can finally be free. even though for a period of time or forever, its good to try. things that i've never done before. nothing will hold me back anymore. and then we'll see. see if theres a need to. I dont want to get hurt again. I dont want to breakdown anymore. I dont want to feel lost. I dont want to feel afraid. I dont want feel angry. I dont want to feel fucking upset anymore. I dont want to feel i've lost an impt part of my life. I dont want to feel disappeared. I dont want to feel i've died. I dont want to feel numb. I dont want. I never want to experience these feelings anymore anymore. I dont want because of an incident, i should lose trust to people around me. I dont want to trust people anymore. I dont want to not trust people anymore. I dont want to runaway but i cannot take it.

the invisible.

i feel weak. i hate this kind of feeling but im vulnerable. i am not strong at all. i feel sad finally. i am not brave. I'm not the bravest of hearts and not the strongest of souls. I have a million thoughts but nowhere to put them. my mind goes on and on and never ends. why? for what reason? why the hell i feel so weak? why the hell did i put myself so weak? who can i go to? now i know; thats me in front of you. thats what i am in front of you. what should i do? i dont want feel this way. i feel like questioning myself so much. wasnt i so peaceful before when nothing happened. am i free. at least i am never too weak.

my mind's exploding. who can i turn to? people never understand. i cant speak what is going in my mind. too much. When the storm rises up when the shadows descend, where am i supposed to head? reality's too much. i would rather live in my own fantasty. my own dream. my own world and never wake up. when everything's crashing, when my heart's crying out, what should i do?

i have tons to do. i cant be bothered with all these useless stuffs.

sometimes, i thank you for being invisible.
even i face the night afraid and alone. still;
if thats what it takes. to you.