calvin; i see happiness

((: soundaholic (Away)
-calvin; i see happiness

i saw a different side of life. life doesnt seem that unbearable afterall. i am sure i am going for my dreams when i am done being committed to studying. i am pursuing them. because i discover a different side. a beautiful one. an enriching one. life didnt feel so beautiful before, but through this mirror, i saw something different. i felt that life was beautiful. first time, i see happiness. happiness for life. i want to smile, laugh and do whatever i could. let it capture them and become a beautiful memory. my beautiful life. after my present job right now, i quit. i quit you. quit everyone. i am leaving. on a plane. by sea a beautiful yacht. to pursue my dreams. a world that really belong to mine. my own little dreams. i see it. i see happiness. first time in my life, i never felt so happy before. because i can forsee myself. some things that belong to mine.

capture me. capture all my thoughts.

capture my dreams,
capture my happiness,
unknown.

calvin had his world of sound.
i had my world of dreams.

i have my own rights to pursue them on my own. tearing because i am feeling glad. for once in my life, i see happiness right in my eyes in my mind. im glad i saw that mirror. mirror to happiness. where autumn doesnt exist, where rain doesnt kept on pouring, where love is no longer important. where all the never-endings end. i saw this vision. i knew its coming.

i am tearing now. like the rain.
but because i see happiness

soundaholic. feel every sound every detail. 

Autumn fades when i see this plant. like the wind. 

the road home. long journey. 

soundaholic

my name is calvin and im a soundaholic
at first no one knew i had this condition
it was my own little secret
sometimes i use sounds the dogs can even hear
im addicted
i went through a lot of doctors
and then i discover
there are others out there just like me
i live sound every detail.
all i need is my sony mp3 walkman
and my ears.

soundaholic.
feel every sound every detail.

the battle

i'm learning to live a better life. for the new 2007. and at the end of 2006. learnt many many stuffs this whole year.

after a year, it all comes down to appreciation. life's all about appreciation. perhaps i just overlook this whole big thing. i learn to appreciate people for their effort. even small little things, i think it always be best to acknowledge them. at least when something goes wrong, i think i wouldnt regret so badly. at least, i came across some small times when i tell them i appreciate them for something they do. so lets all start to appreciate everyone around us today. and maybe theres nothing that cannot be solve in this world anymore. we will be working to our peace.

i think i managed fairly in 2006. i know i tried for my studies and my floorball and maybe i just make it by a little. urm relationships? think i suck except for my family. i think i communicate with them a lot this whole year. friends; hadnt got enough time. maybe i didnt really spend effort in all the relationships. maybe i did in one, tried hard but didnt really get to reach a peaceful stage. guess im still learning slowly. maybe some didnt went off even i did not contact much. some did. and im glad i slowly pieced it up this holiday. i hope my effort doesnt go down the drain in 2007. only thing i did less was to put more effort in studies.

i did for some days. tried hard but still i know thats never enough. i am prepared. to welcome a 2007. i know its hard but im ready to fight. prepared to start a battle. and hopefully i stay consistent through out.

life's up and downs.

make me stronger for the years to come.
i will not back off even though i tasted fear.

i am prepared to start a real battle.
all i need is preparations for the battle.

cold autumn

when it rains, i can go nowhere. i only managed to find a shelter to protect myself. maybe i was trying to comfort myself. or maybe i was trying to avoid the rain. i'm sorry for disappearing. because i really couldnt take it. because i needed some time to myself and i need to escape from faking laughter. really need to. it was just a pure coincidence that i didnt have the phone with me. when you walked out on me. when i walked out on you.

i thought i could almost have a soulmate. like one who understands me when i need it. and i just found out that, i can never know what you're thinking and you can never guess my mind. in this way, i thought it was really hard to continue moving on.

for the first time, i didnt want to feel and look so pathetic. i am seeking shelter. a place no one knows me so i can disguise myself and hide my sadness all away. for the first time, i try to avoid rain as much as possible.

i dont know how. but i gave a promise not to give up easilly. i have no confidence to move on. but i just have to. walking out on someone is really hard. today is maybe a terrible day for me. i feel so restless and really tired all the way. mentally and physically. maybe the rain kept us apart this whole while and my energy really went low. maybe my mood too. just when i hope someone would comfort and lend a shoulder, understand how i am going through, how tiring it is, i made something worst. maybe i deserved all that. i deserved to be left alone for my mistakes. for being so not bothered to clear anything up. i think i really need some time alone. i think i hate being all alone but i couldnt help but ran off. left me on my own, in my own depression. again, i waited for the clouds to evaporate, reminding me its time for home.

that paranoid night. everything repeats and never ends. when can we ever find peace on our state, my dear king. how can i be assured that i never let go of your hands. how can i possibly be sure. how can i possibly not run off when clouds formed. how can i continue walking under this storm. how can i possibly let you lead me on and on to nowhere again and again. not anymore under this rain. this storm. i will die.

i gladly give everything up for this state. for the peace i exchanged my happiness. for that the state vanished. disappeared and we never see anything again. no more hurt on state land.



i offered my hand;

you slapped my hand away and ran off.
on your own.


Autumn feels cold, like winter

tear like it rains.

i cant help but withdraw from you. i cant help it. maybe that would save myself. keeping a distance would help. i cant help it tonight. the rain is overflowing. down into my head. i cannot take it anymore. i need to run as far as i can. fly as far as i can.

and be free from life.

welcome to the emo state.

welcome to the emo state.

caught nightmare before christmas with the peeps. hmmm actually got sort of feelings coming over me.

like how the santa dream is still going on. like how we hoped for some things in life. like that kind of waiting time. but it always have a different outcome.

like how i sympathize with jack. for being so pathetic and ruined christmas. in the end, only santa can fix it back. nobody can. only santa. like the stupid useless fairytale. no santa no christmas. this season, santa still does not exist. i cannot find santa. can never. jack's like trapped. he cannot get it right. because he does not belong to the happy cheerful side. because he's forever dark. maybe i can have different sides, but he is always dark. he tries hard to change but he cannot transform into the person he want to. because he has the roots of the dark side. the emo side. perhaps his town is called dark town or emo town.

welcome to my emo state.
welcome to my dark state.

perhaps the rain really got into my eyes. i cant help but stare at this whole gloomy island. everyone's down.

i guess good old days never come back. we can never turn back time.

given a choice, i think i wouldnt mind living in jack's town. maybe i am already there. like jack trying to blend into christmas town. maybe i try to blend into halloween town. pathetic. like the rain.

can you hear.

told myself hard. that i shouldnt feel sorrow simply because christmas is coming. the season of joy. i suddenly felt as if i fell into a real deep hole and im not doing anything when the sand and mud comes in and bury me alive. i didnt bother to struggle for my own survival. maybe cos i dont want to. maybe i just wanna shut my eyes and disappear forever. and you wouldnt notice any difference

snow's overlapping the snow.
welcome to the emo state.

december's rain

december's rain.

raining makes me feel good. wanted stay out to capture the rain. the smell of rain the motion of rain. feels relieved. somehow safe from the night. i think i could stand there all night. like always. the only thing i dislike is that the rain makes my clothes hard to dry and that my feet gets wet. other than that it makes me happy.

welcome to the emo state.
december's fallen rain.

ANW, i just got back from hedi's house. hope she has a great overnight birthday celebration from me! =D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYAR! love you always! really (:

i'm going to sleep. cant wait a minute to jump on bed leaving the windows open and the cool breeze in the room. although the adults probably scold me always for doing that. they say the rain will come in.

shelter me with the rain. if the rain persists, i think i'm wearing a raincoat and walk on my own. with december's rain.

its falling. down. hard.
dont drown me please.

HTAED

HTAED.

is a reflection of life.

evil is a reflection of live. to live is evil. to survive is tough. or you mix around with htaed, you get hated. and the reflection always seem to be the most negative ones.

the rain just wouldnt stop. maybe autumn comes with a little of rain. the worst part of life. maybe the rain got into my eyes. maybe its time to get prepared.

i always loved the rain and i never stop loving the motion of it. i stood there feeling the rain. the pain the impact. i walked damn slowly. i wasnt one of those to rush for a shelter unless my clothes didnt allow me to get wet. i was enjoying the droplets. the pour. maybe felt the pain. the tears. the rain just got me into a depressed state of mind. like moody. like emotional. like hurt. like the image i always looked at. with nothing much to comment but many many thoughts. like you always looked at the same image when rain comes in. like that lost feeling. no one to reach out to. when i stood there, i stand forever. i am freezed in time space and memory.

lucky i heard voices and woke me up from being delusional. deceived from life and death. if not i think i really would sink down like what zaid says. maybe it sounds quite right. like i never get it right and i never get things back. and i never stay still. some things always pull me down. and i never know why and i always drown. like nobody's business.

maybe its really time to get prepared. prepared for many things. like probably a notebook will do. a deep down thought. deep down feelings about every incident so there is probably a record of my survival so im keeping my record for now. pray that you wont get to read it soon. probably like deathnote. just write my name down and let me go peacefully. for im willingly to go.

just let me have a little dream and trips. i will do anything. i will go for rome or spain. cos the place attracts me best with the best people. i will still fantasize on my tour to the north pole. to meet eskimos and fish all day long. i guess i dont need anyone else. im contented even i am alone in this journey.

just wash me away from the rain. the pain and everything. save me the torture. just wash me away from earth so i never feel insignificant on earth ever again and i never left any big impact. wash my sorrow my flaws my dreams my mistakes for what rain can do. free me and just fill me with the sound of rain. the pitter-patter. they will leave my peace my simplicity alone. they can calm me down and send me into a world of deception.


shut me out from the world now.

let me hear nothing. no more voices.

if i walk away, will you be able to catch up with me. will you recover the distance i walk away from you.

last night while you're sleeping, i sneak out silently and slip away from you. i went around. i went to the coast and i sat there on my own. sat there for hours watching the ships passed by. watched the grey sea sky float. heard the beating of waves and my own heart beat. true. the purest. and then the hungry waves turn and swept me off the shore. the waves didnt leave any clues behind and i was gone. gone away from you. they cleared my footprints from the shore. and i vanished from earth. the next morning when the sea was calm and soft. you never realised my presence.

if i continue walking and you continue walking in the same direction. you can never catch up with me.

it came to me like an enlightment. like forcing my mind open. like unable to control the thoughts that float by. like piano music that disrupted the usual peace. the same old feeling feels familiar. the same old place but with strangers. like nothing but the truth. nothing but the purest mind thoughts and feelings.

like how i struggle with the strong waves in my mind. like how the music rings in my mind. like how pictures came across. like how we're back in the streets. those old streets. like how you didnt realised. like how i vanished beyond. like how every memory is washed away on the surface. like all the memories being washed and sank into the bottom of a bottomless pit. like how you tried to pick up the pieces. like how i struggled. like life. like life now. like a paradise where i found solutions. like maybe there is a little faith left. not entirely bottomless.

like a piano covered with memories and dust.

little dreams and trips (:
its time to try anything

so take me there now.

i am still enjoying my fishing with eskimos in faraway north. where time freezes there and avoiding pain for anyone. so everyone would be spared from the misery. our minds will be free. so do our souls.

you


thats where we stand
and we call this
barriers
between





me.


far
away from-

little dreams

i have dreams. big ones. small ones. dreams that are not discovered and not known. so i will keep them secretly. so that no one take my dreams away.

i'm diagnosed with paranoia and only breaking free from this town will heal me. so im off. for a journey on my own. it doesnt matter where. it only matters with who. all alone thats what i need. i will feel lost but i dont mind. I feel trapped inside this place. if i dont leave. i'm on way and others can join the black parade.

today. alone proves useful. get things off my mind. looking at crowds. travelling alone. i just want to get used to being all alone and feeling lost. so i wouldnt need anyone. so no one would make me weak. no one could. understood that theres no pure trust existing. you know i dont need anybody. i will make life like mine. i will get it alll back. im on my way to eternity. at least i feel like eternity. i thought hard. i concentrated. i focused. hard.



and one day i'll leave you to join the trip.
to north pole to marry an eskimo
and fish from dawn to dust.

Good bye is so hard;
But I'll say it anyway.

i'll leave you in autumn.
so i can enjoy winter all alone.

digital love

slowly drifting
away.

the rationality meant the non-existance.
for the non-existance
nothing out of love.

i would never be irrational anymore.
i would do
nothing out of love.
nothing.
for it.
anymore.
i swear i promise.

did all that i could
and now
i never protect my existance anymore.
there is no reason to do so.

without the faculty of reason
deprived of reason.





like leaves. like the falling of leaves.
like in autumn.
dead lives and
dying relationships.


slowly drifting away
i am

last night I had a dream about you
in this dream Im dancing right beside you
and it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling Ive waited so long

its hard. i just have to learn. learning all the while. learning how to fly. learning how to take care of myself like before. learn to believe people's words just like what the words are. learn to trust them back. even if they break your trust before. it is so difficult.

probably im like her. forever wanting to break free from many things. want to be who we are like before. thats like the real us. probably really felt the same way.

there are many things i wanna escape from. so i not need to face the things i must face. i fought hard. fought with my heart. life is a paradox.

i really tried to believe you but my heart didnt allow me to. i just dont have enough courage to do so. and in fact im just so like you. the past you and the present me. lacking the confidence to conquer everything. just as i didnt want to bother so much. i bother so much again.

i do get tired after some time. it is a pattern.

a chore. a life with impacts. imprinted the behaviours. like causes, effects and impacts. life is a pattern. and with you, i never felt any different from everyday. after a while, life lost its meaning. i lost my reason. everything just fades away. autumn just remains. tasted bitterness every now and then.

I'll hide it away so no one ever knows
I'm dying, I'm trying to leave



like hot afternoons.
like how i bother and pretend.

like long nights.
like how the darkest emotional feelings are being let out.

weatherman

So you think you've been through it all?
But I can't help but wonder now
Yesterday I found my worst regret
I'll hide it away so no one ever knows
I'm dying, I'm trying to leave

Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on
Every now and then I feel the end of us

I never meant to say I'm sorry
And I'm not sad to see you go
Where human shapes burned on concrete walls
These days the sun don't shine here anymore
(I find it cold and lonely)
I'm dying
(To see your troubles drowning)
(It's such a shame to feel you drifting)
I'm trying to leave

Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on
Every now and then I feel the end of us
I love the way you bleed inside my head
Something's gotta change, I'm barely holding on

Let me slip away, I'm barely holding on
Every now and then I feel the end of us
I love the way you bleed inside my head
Something's gotta change, I'm barely holding on

Let me slip away I'm barely holding on (I find it cold and lonely, to see your troubles drowning)
Every now and then I feel the end of us (It's such a shame to feel you drifting)
I love the way you bleed inside my head (I find it cold and lonely, to see your troubles drowning)Something's gotta change, I'm barely holding on (It's such a shame to feel you drifting)

I'm barely holding on
I'm barely holding on

grew tired. grew tired of many many things.

waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
i'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies

if I said I am tired of this now
when will this end

it goes on and on over and over and over again

i used to laugh all day long.

this season is just so unbearable.
im trapped between autumn and winter.
the combinations of both is the most bitter.

i think i dont look forward to christmas.
this season of joy.

we used to laugh all day long. even though christmas kept us from outside. we were laughing at each other. because the snow prevent us from going out. laughing at how pathetic we are and that brought me some comfort and joy. because there was no other ones to enjoy this season togther. thats why we were there. and enjoying the warmth instead of enduring the cold.

christmas just freeze us. stopped us from going where we are heading.
it is just a stupid useless assumption. just a stupid dream.

i think i hate it here. very much. i am free to do whatever i want there. but im confined here. i am troubled. very troubled. i think i am trying to exchange for my freedom. but i cant. please. take me back to penang. give me a time machine at least.

you dont interest me. anymore. it seems like forever.

get me run down by a car.

escapism

i start to dislike the things here. looking everything red-coloured. for a moment i thought i found joy but another moment feeling blue.

i am running away from-
cos penang showed me another world.
a world with no blues
and a world with no autumn.

autumn doesnt need to fade away there.
because it never happens.

just get me back to where i was
please