cold autumn

when it rains, i can go nowhere. i only managed to find a shelter to protect myself. maybe i was trying to comfort myself. or maybe i was trying to avoid the rain. i'm sorry for disappearing. because i really couldnt take it. because i needed some time to myself and i need to escape from faking laughter. really need to. it was just a pure coincidence that i didnt have the phone with me. when you walked out on me. when i walked out on you.

i thought i could almost have a soulmate. like one who understands me when i need it. and i just found out that, i can never know what you're thinking and you can never guess my mind. in this way, i thought it was really hard to continue moving on.

for the first time, i didnt want to feel and look so pathetic. i am seeking shelter. a place no one knows me so i can disguise myself and hide my sadness all away. for the first time, i try to avoid rain as much as possible.

i dont know how. but i gave a promise not to give up easilly. i have no confidence to move on. but i just have to. walking out on someone is really hard. today is maybe a terrible day for me. i feel so restless and really tired all the way. mentally and physically. maybe the rain kept us apart this whole while and my energy really went low. maybe my mood too. just when i hope someone would comfort and lend a shoulder, understand how i am going through, how tiring it is, i made something worst. maybe i deserved all that. i deserved to be left alone for my mistakes. for being so not bothered to clear anything up. i think i really need some time alone. i think i hate being all alone but i couldnt help but ran off. left me on my own, in my own depression. again, i waited for the clouds to evaporate, reminding me its time for home.

that paranoid night. everything repeats and never ends. when can we ever find peace on our state, my dear king. how can i be assured that i never let go of your hands. how can i possibly be sure. how can i possibly not run off when clouds formed. how can i continue walking under this storm. how can i possibly let you lead me on and on to nowhere again and again. not anymore under this rain. this storm. i will die.

i gladly give everything up for this state. for the peace i exchanged my happiness. for that the state vanished. disappeared and we never see anything again. no more hurt on state land.



i offered my hand;

you slapped my hand away and ran off.
on your own.


Autumn feels cold, like winter