a nice real backgrd. with my two roomies. (: 

when the song is up, its time to go.

-distance.

he thinks that theres a monster hidden in his closet and he was afraid. fear was coming to him. then his brother told him, the only way is to open the closet and face your fear. only this way he can overcome it and find out if there're are really monsters in it. he has to face his fear.

so do i. it is real. there are more than a monster out there. all we need is to face it so we can overcome it.

cos its just too late. nothing lasts forever. im sorry. i cant be..

tasted fear. it just tastes bitter and it comes with a little depression that you start to fascinate things. and you need lots of strength to overcome fear and calm yourself down and start to make way for home. because its simply too pathetic to stay out there alone in the dark. too unsafe.

the clouds evaporated.
reminding me its time for home.

where did all the faith went to.

sometimes its just uncomfortable. or maybe hard to accept the reality even though it has been done. somehow your opinion cant just change like that. its just quite saddening to know that. or rather, unbelievable. or shocking. i guess humans are there to let us slowly discover them. to accept flaws. to trust. to believe. its so hard to regain the me back at that moment. like suddenly i feel dettached. because i think im really afraid of getting hurt. so maybe i wanna protect myself. and maybe feeling dettached can help. maybe a little.

have a little faith.

those eyes. deep in thoughts but unexplainable.  

please leave me alone.
when i said please.

lessons, results and school is draining me out.

i dont look forward to holidays.
no more holidays.

fuckinghell. im depressed.

Unwell

I'm not crazy, im just a little unwell.

unwell. dont feel good. maybe been through some things recently make me feel so weary so drained and causing my illness. but i think im tougher i guess. at least a little. but still, not that strong. faking strong. only being alone makes me feel weak and being afraid of the dark. i slept with the lights on. guess im traumatized. emotionally weak. physically turning weaker. i guess i need many things now. i need comfort. i need consolation. i need crowd. so that i wont turn crazy. so that i can forget everything.

sometimes, i really hate being weak. i dont like to behave like a kid. forever needing daddy and mummy. but i really cannot stand being alone now.

im so glad i have my daddy mummy with me now. nothing else matters. i feel safe. they're the only ones for my existence other than my dreams (which are not known yet). but i know im living for these reasons purely. other things doesnt really matter. because i cannot predict whos there and whos gone. but i know parents wouldnt leave me. and living for my dreams hoping i would get the satisfaction in life later on. i wouldnt want to hope on other things that might not come true. if i dont think so much, i would live life better.

thats for now. nothing else matters.

my the other 'papa'

i'm not okay. i'm okay.

I behaved well today. didnt cried. i held back my tears. i guess i fought it hard. especially the sending off and at the crematorium. guess my uncle's wake show me a lot of things. things i never know of. uncle, rest in peace. i know you will. please protect all these people. i miss you uncle. badly. uncle, i do. i really miss you. i really do. somehow i hide from all the people, but i couldnt hide it in front of you.

memories seem to come back one by one like how i slowly recover from anmesia. i remember uncle's voice. the tall dark thin figure. i remember how uncle always ask me how am i. even though i seldom see him, but i really miss you uncle. i think you can get rid of the pain you endure for years. i think i keep hearing his voice. especially when im alone. its actually quite hard to go through.

Since i didnt tear this morning. i shouldnt now. or ever again. but guess i really couldnt control. now that the night arrives, no one is there. i guess i can reveal my own emotions now. i didnt appear to take it that well. im hurt too. if i had a choice, i guess i never want to grow up now. growing up exposes many ugly things. at least if im still young, uncle's still there to piggyback me. and i would keep going to him. didnt i cherish him well.

no more regrets for now shiping. go shiping. be brave. you can do it. hold on for a while. if its really too hard, i'll let go.

I really think i shouldnt cry or tear anymore. uncle's free from all the pain he endured. i should be glad. uncle, he will watch over me and everyone. so i shouldnt tear. shouldnt. uncle, im really okay. just that i miss you badly. i really cannot take it anymore. i endured 5 long days. holding back my tears. right now, the world's mine. its okay to tear right. at least i didnt appear to be so upset in front of uncle. I used my nails and force it hard into my skin so i wouldnt tear. but that pain doesnt seem to fade off. it is only a temporary solution.

when i folded the incense paper last few nights, i told myself that uncle would be glad because all those i folded really come from my soul. i really want him to be well. i gave every bit of my sincerity in that. when i send uncle off, i walked perspiring but i didnt want to stop. i didnt want it to end. but at the same time, its painful to go through. i watched my auntie. my heart really ache like it never ache before. do you know how xing ku is it. how painful. how aching it is. how saddening. i watched everyone. i saw feelings come alive. like i never see it before. the very true very real very pure emotions flowing all out.

actually i think its best not to mention anything about it anymore. maybe i really fought it hard to hold back my tears just now and the moment i recall about it, i think i cannot take it. we're all fragile. we have feelings. the most purest of all.

i really aint no good to hide my pain. i was okay. strong in front. but i was only faking strength. its so hard to control my tears from flowing right now. i dont need to act strong with no one here. its me. really me. faking strength. im in pain.

my the other 'papa', i really miss you. i really do.

thoughts that are too complicated and not meant for reading.

Uncle.

"Fear cannot stop us from dying, but it stop us from really living"

I just got back from my uncle's wake. its my first time and i didnt quite know what to do. i thought everyone should just appear solemn and serious. but not actually. we were there to keep uncle company. we were there to appear cheerful to make him feel loved. under their eyerings and wrinkled faces, there is a piece of agony beneath everyone. He wasnt talking as much as before like how we used to be. he was talking the same as much but his eyes hold back the tears. he never really spoke. she was really pale and forcing a smile. There were many different emotions.

I was nervous when i lighted up the incense for uncle. I told uncle the feelings that burst out from my heart. the purest.

I followed my brother and i added a "papa" behind what we're supposed to call him. I cant remember much but i know he dotes on us all. i forced myself to remember some things but i just couldnt recall. why. i feel so frustrating. why couldnt i recall anything. my mind's a total blank. Years back, i cried when he's in hospital and in the icu ward. i was damn scared. i'm scared of losing him. occasionally, they would dropped by my house.

no matter what they did, no matter what mistakes they made, it is the basic nature for us to love. i remember when i was young. i remember everyone dotes on me. it was hard to remember the missing little pieces but it was there. Its just so hard to accept one's loss.

I looked at him. he sat there quietly. burning incense paper for his granddad. hyper active by nature, he sat there quietly. It just appear to me if he knows whats going on. he sat there burning and burning and occasionally grinning at us. everyone claim his life is quite sad. he's the victim. i wanted to help him so badly. but i dont know what can i do. he just needs a better environment. and people have to learn. to love him.

Its like a big family tree talk. i sat there with my cousin talking about everything. from studies, sports to everything and mostly about relatives. I wanted to do something. i wanted to give them all a better life. but who am i. i wanted to guide him. i wanted to put off their tiredness. i wanted to make her happy. i wanted to cure him. i wanted everything back.

I saw nothing but unrequited love. the willingness to give up everything for family. and what all they recieve mostly in common is nothing. there is nothing for them to do that but yet they are willing to sacrifice everything. it just make me think a lot. and putting me off about marriages and stuffs. its like a tragedy.

I wanted to change everything. I wanted take off everyone's pain and tears. I wanted make them happy. what can i sacrifice to exchange for that.

why is everyone stuck in the tragedy of it. why no matter how hard we all tried, we never get out of this gap.

I think i miss your presence. I know, even though you're there, it would be good. Because i just miss your presence. Like how i would always come to you when im a kid. I ignored all the adults' comments because in my heart, i know you're always nice. i actually miss the days when i always bugged you. just when im a kid. to me, everyone's like a dad and a mum. I think i lost my chance, to really look at you carefully. to tell you that you've always been a good dad, uncle.

just like amnesia, i lost the memories.
but feelings wont change.




maybe there was only autumn in our lives.

Autumn

i realised in this world, there is two different kind of people.

night time is coming. i'm not myself anymore. everything just feel so weird. empty places. empty minds. empty hearts. i think i grew scared. i grew isolated. i grew fearful of everything. i would not speak to anyone with sincerity right now. other than my uncle, i'll not speak anything that comes out from my heart right now. the dark just transforms me into a robot. just like the days before. the hardest times to go through. i went through and i transformed. robots. robots have no feelings. robots just pretend. they got dark memories that haunt them. and they'll never have any feelings. the night just turns more lonely. especially at home. empty home. it is taunting because home is never left empty unless there is emergencies. and when there are, the house grew quiet and cold. this is why home is left empty. you know when house is a concrete thing. but a home is not. a home is more like a place in my heart to me. it isnt any big deal. but now, it is. situation is. especially i get too paranoid now, nothing no one can calm me other than my parents. i can give them my hands without any hesitation. i know they'll lead me to a place which is safe. where i don have to worry at all.

I guess im changing. I dont know how to put things across. especially my feelings and thoughts. i cant express it. even though i kept thinking of certain things but i guess its best not to expose them. i cant express it too. and people never understood. and people never understand. no matter how close people can get, they wont understand. will never. I have many many things to say but i could not express it.


today i learnt in literature lesson. seasons with life and time.

i guess its autumn now.

The season of dying. dying love. dying relationships.

The season where time comes to a slow down. everything was emphasized purposely. making it very difficult and painful to go through. everything was damaging you twice. intentionally. unintentionally. everything was dull and brown-coloured. everything was silent and only the rustling of leaves can be heard. nothing is left. everything dies off. the season of dying. the season of death.

Silence is a result of tolerance. the story ends with a goodbye. the tracks of disappearance.

everything is in autumn now.

Life and Death

paranoia came and grab me away. i think im quite fragile these days. especially into late nights. i know i cannot sleep and i took all my stuffs went to sleep with my mum. sorry dad for letting you sleep on sofa. im sorry but i just couldnt. my brother went back to camp so i have his room all alone. these days. i could not stand loneliness anymore. i could break down any moment. at least i will feel safe that my mum's next to me. i think i sleep better. at least a little.

perhaps you see me blogging more recently. i aint feeling good people. i feel damn blue. Monday blues. Tuesday blues. Wednesday blues. Thursday blues. Friday blues. Saturday blues. Sunday blues. I need modulus now.

just now i was frantically going crazy. nobody's home. im locked out. i dont have any cash on me. and everyone left without me. its getting dark. lightning streak across the sky. the rain was coming. why would the rain come. what if the rain come. what if im stuck at this bus stop. i still have a place to hurry to. i need to get there. i need to. what if i got caught in the rain. what if someone came and asked me what happen. what if the bus never came. what if im the only one left in the world. i was terrified. i was paranoid. i accumulated many stares along the way. and the bus never seem to come. i counted the fifth one it came.

im scared. im really scared. no one is there for me. no one is there to calm me down. no one can protect me. i dont feel safe. i really didnt. like a small kid who got lost, i sat there by myself crying. like the past few days. distancing myself. withdrawing myself. unintentionally. intentionally. i almost gave up hope. i almost want to run away to a place where no one can find me until they got home. i grew tired of waiting. waiting for infinity. waiting for one day to come. waiting for consolation. waiting for care. waiting for concern. grew tired of the whole process.

i tried so hard to recall. its so hard. my mind's a blank.

I never feel peaceful till now. my mind's disturbed. i think i grew more paranoid and more. with 2 rows of consecutives nightmares, my mind can not stay awake now. that is why i need you mum. i slept without nightmares last night. finally.

I fear. of everything now. deaths, nightmares, loneliness. I fear just as i could not take it. i almost wanted give it all up. i wanted to end everything before things ended.

I dont know how i feel. maybe like a small little 3 year kid. i need protection really. but i fear easilly. of everything. of people especially.

life's fragile. you never know when you wake up knowing that someone once close had pass away. and the thought of never seeing the person ever again is bitter. its fear. imagine. just imagine. for days, i kept thinking how is it like. hows the feeling of not seeing the person ever again. i asked many people. i shared. life. life's like that they all say. but how many times when you say that, how many times are you able to exhibit the mindset of such qualities. its very hard. how can people console. i kept thinking. the thought of not seeing my uncle during festivals and occasions. how would i feel. it sounds sad right. im just stunned. stunned at this thought. i never experience going for wake. its my very first. that is why when my dad and mum came over and fetch me. i really hope we never reach the place. and when i came down the car, i held my dad's hands. i grab it. feeling lost. like a 3 year old kid. i dont know how to react what to do. im lost. i see pale faces. i imagine if im them. i would just go hysterical.

I still havent got to see the light.
Fear just blocked it out.

世界末日

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪
你却连同情都不给

想哭来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰会不会
让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁也许事与愿违

累不累睡不睡
单影无人相依偎
夜越黑梦违背
有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁
也许颓废..

也是另一种美




this is the perfect song right now.

i wrote today's entry in my diary. didnt want to write it here im sorry.


abandoned apart companionless deserted desolate detached forlorn forsaken friendless hermit in solitary individual isolated lone lonely lonesome single sole solitary solo stag traveling light unaccompanied unaided unassisted unattached unattended unescorted alone cast aside cast away cast off deserted discarded dissipated dropped, eliminated, empty forgotten given up jilted left left alone left behind neglected outcast passed up rejected relinquished shunned side-tracked sidelined stranded vacant vacated

warning: observer discretion advised

time machine

I dont know why but time really crawls. it feels like i never had to wait so long for days to come. but this is really killing me. even though each day pass with doing nothing. it still aint moving at all. what has happen.

i feel sorry for affecting people's mood. but i aint got any choice. i really hate doing so but i cant get better.

maybe i have nowhere to vent my anger. maybe you didnt come at the right time when i wanted to flare at myself. i dont understand why. i never understood myself. i never understood why does things pull me all the way down. i never felt so dead. never felt living without life. i cant seem to enjoy. why do i allow things to pull away my joy. why do i allow things to upset me. where im the one who controls my own emotions. why. i feel so low. why. what can i do. i never experience things like that before. maybe its time to grow up kid. i never mature. i never mature in life and relationship. i never got any better. i only got worse. because i couldnt understand human complications. the only safest place is in my mummy's comfort. the only one i unknowningly expose my real self. the only one i don have to think twice. the only one i can rely on and trust.

mummy, i need you tonight cos i cant get to sleep real bad.

get me a time machine please. i would stop.

summation

today's a day where feelings come alive.

im haunted by emotions. seeing this and that made me feel what kind of person am i. haunted by dreams. im a dark person. i think people around me cant feel especially joyful when im in dark shadows. i think i will most probably drown them down with it. and its terrible when i start feeling all the weird feelings. maybe its the simplest reason again. im paranoia all over again. i hate things more and more. i become more and more short-tempered. i couldnt stand many things up to a thousand things. i cannot control my emotions and i thought it would be best to let them run wild. i start to think a lot. and my brain got nowhere to contain them all. all the heavy dark and wild thoughts. and they lost to me. lost to my thoughts. they can never win them. the sophsiscated brain functions so well that it is impossible to track it down. the feelings did come back up with memories. it just back it up with the similar feeling felt ago. sometimes i think i dislike you. i hate the bad attention seeked. i wasnt left pure innocent real and true. everything came and took all my esteem away. it is nothing but everything. just that everything, just took it all away. for the world most reasonable excuse, everything came. im haunted. i cant let off. nobody would let me off. im left there to think. think about the feelings that came and the feelings that lost it all. i cannot care anymore. its too tedious to do so. walk off easilly and leave all the mess to me. even though i seem to be able to carry it with me. people all thought so. they assume. using the assumption theory. that we humans are able to assume many things. many wrong things. as right. i think its hard to control the dangerous weapon now. i feel so low. low till the waves can come and sweep me away from earth. low till heaven is going to devour me. low till i'll never get struck by lightning. low till you can never see me anymore. actually i think i know the solution but i probably just dont wanna get to the solution fast because i want to experience the process. its painful and now we should all learn that the end is better. not the process.

for the above entry, people would normally think i need extra protection since i would do harm to society.

WATERS

nothing particular came to my mind.
was upset. was over. was delighted. was over.

do i appear

theres a thousand things i hate but i couldnt relieve them. for the simplest reason, i couldnt. I got through many stuffs. even the most mean stuffs. this year's fruitful, painful and hard. i came along all of them. people just widen my thinking. i found a group of people that maybe made life so much lighter to go through. maybe not found. maybe just build stronger ties and found for a few of them. for things that they might not know, its absolutely enough for them to be just there.

sometimes i think im tired enough. i couldnt think clearly. or maybe think things too clearly. sometimes before problems surface, im thinking of how to avoid it or maybe solve it. im living in an environment too hard to be true. mockery.

met up with carmen after ages. had a really long talk with her. many things came across. life and relationships. it never ends. here, its hard to plant my thoughts down. i never capture them.

i'm hoping for a next year. a year so much better than this year. a year full of hardships that allow everyone to get by together.

the materialism. i never like this year. other than holidays. I'll be many times more dilligent.


shut.

ALWAYS

woke up today feeling funny. hoping for friends to do well but I feel weird. It was supposed to be my A's. and it just came so fast. but i was lagged behind. I am supposed to take my general paper today. but somehow my path got longer. hopefully my path dont stop there leaving me with not much choices.



always
radio
come back down
chasing cars
true

the sun is out, im off for a swim.
calm me down please.