my the other 'papa'

i'm not okay. i'm okay.

I behaved well today. didnt cried. i held back my tears. i guess i fought it hard. especially the sending off and at the crematorium. guess my uncle's wake show me a lot of things. things i never know of. uncle, rest in peace. i know you will. please protect all these people. i miss you uncle. badly. uncle, i do. i really miss you. i really do. somehow i hide from all the people, but i couldnt hide it in front of you.

memories seem to come back one by one like how i slowly recover from anmesia. i remember uncle's voice. the tall dark thin figure. i remember how uncle always ask me how am i. even though i seldom see him, but i really miss you uncle. i think you can get rid of the pain you endure for years. i think i keep hearing his voice. especially when im alone. its actually quite hard to go through.

Since i didnt tear this morning. i shouldnt now. or ever again. but guess i really couldnt control. now that the night arrives, no one is there. i guess i can reveal my own emotions now. i didnt appear to take it that well. im hurt too. if i had a choice, i guess i never want to grow up now. growing up exposes many ugly things. at least if im still young, uncle's still there to piggyback me. and i would keep going to him. didnt i cherish him well.

no more regrets for now shiping. go shiping. be brave. you can do it. hold on for a while. if its really too hard, i'll let go.

I really think i shouldnt cry or tear anymore. uncle's free from all the pain he endured. i should be glad. uncle, he will watch over me and everyone. so i shouldnt tear. shouldnt. uncle, im really okay. just that i miss you badly. i really cannot take it anymore. i endured 5 long days. holding back my tears. right now, the world's mine. its okay to tear right. at least i didnt appear to be so upset in front of uncle. I used my nails and force it hard into my skin so i wouldnt tear. but that pain doesnt seem to fade off. it is only a temporary solution.

when i folded the incense paper last few nights, i told myself that uncle would be glad because all those i folded really come from my soul. i really want him to be well. i gave every bit of my sincerity in that. when i send uncle off, i walked perspiring but i didnt want to stop. i didnt want it to end. but at the same time, its painful to go through. i watched my auntie. my heart really ache like it never ache before. do you know how xing ku is it. how painful. how aching it is. how saddening. i watched everyone. i saw feelings come alive. like i never see it before. the very true very real very pure emotions flowing all out.

actually i think its best not to mention anything about it anymore. maybe i really fought it hard to hold back my tears just now and the moment i recall about it, i think i cannot take it. we're all fragile. we have feelings. the most purest of all.

i really aint no good to hide my pain. i was okay. strong in front. but i was only faking strength. its so hard to control my tears from flowing right now. i dont need to act strong with no one here. its me. really me. faking strength. im in pain.

my the other 'papa', i really miss you. i really do.