Uncle.

"Fear cannot stop us from dying, but it stop us from really living"

I just got back from my uncle's wake. its my first time and i didnt quite know what to do. i thought everyone should just appear solemn and serious. but not actually. we were there to keep uncle company. we were there to appear cheerful to make him feel loved. under their eyerings and wrinkled faces, there is a piece of agony beneath everyone. He wasnt talking as much as before like how we used to be. he was talking the same as much but his eyes hold back the tears. he never really spoke. she was really pale and forcing a smile. There were many different emotions.

I was nervous when i lighted up the incense for uncle. I told uncle the feelings that burst out from my heart. the purest.

I followed my brother and i added a "papa" behind what we're supposed to call him. I cant remember much but i know he dotes on us all. i forced myself to remember some things but i just couldnt recall. why. i feel so frustrating. why couldnt i recall anything. my mind's a total blank. Years back, i cried when he's in hospital and in the icu ward. i was damn scared. i'm scared of losing him. occasionally, they would dropped by my house.

no matter what they did, no matter what mistakes they made, it is the basic nature for us to love. i remember when i was young. i remember everyone dotes on me. it was hard to remember the missing little pieces but it was there. Its just so hard to accept one's loss.

I looked at him. he sat there quietly. burning incense paper for his granddad. hyper active by nature, he sat there quietly. It just appear to me if he knows whats going on. he sat there burning and burning and occasionally grinning at us. everyone claim his life is quite sad. he's the victim. i wanted to help him so badly. but i dont know what can i do. he just needs a better environment. and people have to learn. to love him.

Its like a big family tree talk. i sat there with my cousin talking about everything. from studies, sports to everything and mostly about relatives. I wanted to do something. i wanted to give them all a better life. but who am i. i wanted to guide him. i wanted to put off their tiredness. i wanted to make her happy. i wanted to cure him. i wanted everything back.

I saw nothing but unrequited love. the willingness to give up everything for family. and what all they recieve mostly in common is nothing. there is nothing for them to do that but yet they are willing to sacrifice everything. it just make me think a lot. and putting me off about marriages and stuffs. its like a tragedy.

I wanted to change everything. I wanted take off everyone's pain and tears. I wanted make them happy. what can i sacrifice to exchange for that.

why is everyone stuck in the tragedy of it. why no matter how hard we all tried, we never get out of this gap.

I think i miss your presence. I know, even though you're there, it would be good. Because i just miss your presence. Like how i would always come to you when im a kid. I ignored all the adults' comments because in my heart, i know you're always nice. i actually miss the days when i always bugged you. just when im a kid. to me, everyone's like a dad and a mum. I think i lost my chance, to really look at you carefully. to tell you that you've always been a good dad, uncle.

just like amnesia, i lost the memories.
but feelings wont change.




maybe there was only autumn in our lives.