Life and Death
paranoia came and grab me away. i think im quite fragile these days. especially into late nights. i know i cannot sleep and i took all my stuffs went to sleep with my mum. sorry dad for letting you sleep on sofa. im sorry but i just couldnt. my brother went back to camp so i have his room all alone. these days. i could not stand loneliness anymore. i could break down any moment. at least i will feel safe that my mum's next to me. i think i sleep better. at least a little.
perhaps you see me blogging more recently. i aint feeling good people. i feel damn blue. Monday blues. Tuesday blues. Wednesday blues. Thursday blues. Friday blues. Saturday blues. Sunday blues. I need modulus now.
just now i was frantically going crazy. nobody's home. im locked out. i dont have any cash on me. and everyone left without me. its getting dark. lightning streak across the sky. the rain was coming. why would the rain come. what if the rain come. what if im stuck at this bus stop. i still have a place to hurry to. i need to get there. i need to. what if i got caught in the rain. what if someone came and asked me what happen. what if the bus never came. what if im the only one left in the world. i was terrified. i was paranoid. i accumulated many stares along the way. and the bus never seem to come. i counted the fifth one it came.
im scared. im really scared. no one is there for me. no one is there to calm me down. no one can protect me. i dont feel safe. i really didnt. like a small kid who got lost, i sat there by myself crying. like the past few days. distancing myself. withdrawing myself. unintentionally. intentionally. i almost gave up hope. i almost want to run away to a place where no one can find me until they got home. i grew tired of waiting. waiting for infinity. waiting for one day to come. waiting for consolation. waiting for care. waiting for concern. grew tired of the whole process.
i tried so hard to recall. its so hard. my mind's a blank.
I never feel peaceful till now. my mind's disturbed. i think i grew more paranoid and more. with 2 rows of consecutives nightmares, my mind can not stay awake now. that is why i need you mum. i slept without nightmares last night. finally.
I fear. of everything now. deaths, nightmares, loneliness. I fear just as i could not take it. i almost wanted give it all up. i wanted to end everything before things ended.
I dont know how i feel. maybe like a small little 3 year kid. i need protection really. but i fear easilly. of everything. of people especially.
life's fragile. you never know when you wake up knowing that someone once close had pass away. and the thought of never seeing the person ever again is bitter. its fear. imagine. just imagine. for days, i kept thinking how is it like. hows the feeling of not seeing the person ever again. i asked many people. i shared. life. life's like that they all say. but how many times when you say that, how many times are you able to exhibit the mindset of such qualities. its very hard. how can people console. i kept thinking. the thought of not seeing my uncle during festivals and occasions. how would i feel. it sounds sad right. im just stunned. stunned at this thought. i never experience going for wake. its my very first. that is why when my dad and mum came over and fetch me. i really hope we never reach the place. and when i came down the car, i held my dad's hands. i grab it. feeling lost. like a 3 year old kid. i dont know how to react what to do. im lost. i see pale faces. i imagine if im them. i would just go hysterical.
I still havent got to see the light.
Fear just blocked it out.
perhaps you see me blogging more recently. i aint feeling good people. i feel damn blue. Monday blues. Tuesday blues. Wednesday blues. Thursday blues. Friday blues. Saturday blues. Sunday blues. I need modulus now.
just now i was frantically going crazy. nobody's home. im locked out. i dont have any cash on me. and everyone left without me. its getting dark. lightning streak across the sky. the rain was coming. why would the rain come. what if the rain come. what if im stuck at this bus stop. i still have a place to hurry to. i need to get there. i need to. what if i got caught in the rain. what if someone came and asked me what happen. what if the bus never came. what if im the only one left in the world. i was terrified. i was paranoid. i accumulated many stares along the way. and the bus never seem to come. i counted the fifth one it came.
im scared. im really scared. no one is there for me. no one is there to calm me down. no one can protect me. i dont feel safe. i really didnt. like a small kid who got lost, i sat there by myself crying. like the past few days. distancing myself. withdrawing myself. unintentionally. intentionally. i almost gave up hope. i almost want to run away to a place where no one can find me until they got home. i grew tired of waiting. waiting for infinity. waiting for one day to come. waiting for consolation. waiting for care. waiting for concern. grew tired of the whole process.
i tried so hard to recall. its so hard. my mind's a blank.
I never feel peaceful till now. my mind's disturbed. i think i grew more paranoid and more. with 2 rows of consecutives nightmares, my mind can not stay awake now. that is why i need you mum. i slept without nightmares last night. finally.
I fear. of everything now. deaths, nightmares, loneliness. I fear just as i could not take it. i almost wanted give it all up. i wanted to end everything before things ended.
I dont know how i feel. maybe like a small little 3 year kid. i need protection really. but i fear easilly. of everything. of people especially.
life's fragile. you never know when you wake up knowing that someone once close had pass away. and the thought of never seeing the person ever again is bitter. its fear. imagine. just imagine. for days, i kept thinking how is it like. hows the feeling of not seeing the person ever again. i asked many people. i shared. life. life's like that they all say. but how many times when you say that, how many times are you able to exhibit the mindset of such qualities. its very hard. how can people console. i kept thinking. the thought of not seeing my uncle during festivals and occasions. how would i feel. it sounds sad right. im just stunned. stunned at this thought. i never experience going for wake. its my very first. that is why when my dad and mum came over and fetch me. i really hope we never reach the place. and when i came down the car, i held my dad's hands. i grab it. feeling lost. like a 3 year old kid. i dont know how to react what to do. im lost. i see pale faces. i imagine if im them. i would just go hysterical.
I still havent got to see the light.
Fear just blocked it out.
posted by gardenfestival at 12:28 AM
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