Whats happiness?

so many years of searching or waiting, had we found our happiness?

why do the television programmes always showed the beautiful side of r/s. a fairytale-like r/s. and whats different from reality? that reality where cruel evil are always associated with. what is a relationship actually? what is love? what is happiness? How long can happiness last?

i've been searching, been waiting. been thru so many futile attempts. got hurt found short lived happiness. and it never occured to me that i can ever find happiness. i never dreamt of never thought of. and now i feel i got it, what is it like? though i am happy but i couldnt stop frowning. somethings that look so impossible can be possible. i am the source of many unwanted troubles. causing that fret that troubled look on faces. it never never occured to me that one day i can find happiness. and now i finally did, and why is there obstacles facing me? what had heaven planned for me? actually to be true, im afraid. very afraid. afraid of getting into one. even falling in love in the first place. i thought the endings always the most hurtful but i didnt expect something different. but i cant help. cant control my own feelings. nothing really. am feeling numbed. still numbed somewhere there.

suddenly got so afraid of myself. who am i actually? what in the hell i am doing? what am i doing? i really have no idea. and some times in life, in fact most times, i hated myself for hating myself. i never got satisfied with myself. i really really have low esteem of myself. if you never know, i have very low confidence of myself. i know i aint someone great someone capable or someone talented. im just a very normal person, leading my simple life. wanted to be loved very much but hate myself for being so afraid.

I only wanted people to be true. and i really got no idea what am i doing in school. why must i carry fake smiles and talking rubbish to people who doesnt even really care, maybe. i jus want to find somewhere that i can belong to. jus that simple. maybe. the burdens in school though not work but the money is gettin real heavy. who in the hell would pay 175 for a calculator? i aint rich. a 175 i would consider. but i got no choice. i really hate myself for retaining. the new syllabus already seems so tough so challenging. plus the money spent in notes etc all over again. but what can i do? humans are already defeated by technology.

i try hard not to think of anything. not at the moment. but im tired. tired even before the real battle starts. tired of life. i know theres gotta be more in life but whats more? given a choice, i really wished i am the people of the past. with totally no technology but using own hands to scratch a living. i bet a million bucks they live more happier than us. i am willing to give up my computer my handphone for a living like that. but not now anymore. its totally impossible to even get such a tedious yet simple life.

the complications in the real hard world. the reality. i really hate it. reality is so different. the world really is so complicated. thats why it seems sad. add a lot of pathos in it.

literature is not the subject for me but the only thing i enjoy doing lit is the story. the outline of the novel. the interesting details of the novel. and somehow it let you discover many other different things. a different kind of reality. and it really gets ur mind to move. to think about every single thing the novel thought you. and you applied it to real life. our harsh reality. and i learnt escapism. i learn how to escape from things. how to run away from all the troubles. some of the main themes in lit novels. escapism. though i prefer to confront and be clear of everything. but i cant help but liking the idea of escapism. you see nothing in fact. nothing bothers you as well. i really miss god of small things. a terrible novel. a tragedic one. though not very much counted as. and i liked learning how roy writes. the story of the novel. yes thats it. the only thing i liked in literature. the best part. liked roy for being herself for being in her world when she wrote the novel.

i have no idea since when i like to let my thoughts roam around. sometimes, it isnt a good thing. the more you think, the more you hurt yourself. and the more you hurt yourself, you shut down and you discover nothing at all. life's seems to turn meaningless. probably i am like estha and rahel. their simple yet complicated minds. they're simple but they think complicated.

i cant say. i dont know whats bothering me maybe jus a bug in me. i jus feel so irritated and deprived of emotions. i jus feel like saying things out in me when i dont even know what. thats why i said my own piece of junk. what am thinking?

maybe like estha, like everyone.
shiping occupied very little space in the world.

things can change in a day.

man's subliminal urge to destroy what he could neither subdue nor deify. the evil men. is it history's henchmen? Impelled by feelings that were primal yet paradoxically wholly impersonal. Feelings of contempt born of inchoate, unacknowledged fear - civillazation's fear of nature, men's fear of women, the power's fear of powerlessness.

what is man? why does man sounds so fearful? to destroy what he could neither subdue nor deify?

and where can i find my happiness after waiting after searching? probably the answer still with these demons. i found mine but the unacknowledged fear burns in me.