[[ Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives ]]

[[ Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives ]]

Estha wasnt here. Rahel was all alone. Rahel was going with Ammu to see Mamachi. Estha walked around Ayenemem. Rahel was close to tears. She had been fighting. Estha - Esthappen was away and it does not make any difference if he had been here. People shun Rahel and associate her with awkward and weird. Rahel was used to that kind of silence yet things kept running through her mind.

[[ Floorball Interhouse ]]

I experienced complete defeat. or rather. Failure.

Was close to a dumb for that few moments. Our morale had gone low yet i kept telling them.. dont show ur tiredness.. and they were all solemn.. i simply cannot be.. i told them dont be so discouraged.. hang on people.. do the best u can.. etc etc.. and yet i was the one in complete silence when the game ended.

Failure. I failed terribly.

Everything was down recently. I dont know why but it was down down down..

I felt like quitting floorball at that rash moment.. I am so useless and cant even scored a goal.. and i was a floorballer.. non floorballers are playing even so much better than me.. and make me felt so much like a failure..

Its really demoralising and everyone was telling me.. you learn thru experiences and you practise harder sure can make it one.. yes i know that.. but at the moment that you lost.. its hard to think of brighter side..

in the end i watched my friends play while i kept silent.. some of the people came to be.. and tell me to brighten up..

winning is not everything but losing is really everything.. i dont like the feeling of losing.. nobody likes anyway..

and then out of some moments with me and my thoughts.. while the hall is filled with cheerings and noise and shoutings.. my mind is shut down with my own thoughts.. I cant hear anything..

It was really down down down.. I examined my failure.. I still couldnt believe it.. till now i still think of how i won.. the pictures.. images going thru my mind.. my defeat.. It might mean nothing to some out there but it truly hurts.. I played floorball before and it is really hurting..

i conceded. Its the end of it. Finally. Over.

Dad, today i am upset. i lost the match. did you know? you walked around the house as if im dead.. as if youre dead.. we're all dead.. how much pain u experience now.. i had it too..

Paulin, Melissa, WeiJun, Jerry and 2 other guys forgot their names.. we went to eat togther at northpt foodcourt.. was tired enough.. kept almost totally silence at times... I resemble Rahel and Estha.. similarly in someway.. literally illusion.. shiping is using it here as well.. nevermind if you guys don understand.. dont have to understand..

Didnt want to go home.. Nobody cares so why? I realise that my tagboard isnt working.. doesnt matter.. people nowadays either tag craps or don tag. so dont have to worry about it..

People i am utterly disappointed in are utterly disappointed in me too.. The disappointment of them in me make me kept almost silence and then i made them upset too. I dont care much too. They had eyes yet they couldnt see. They have ears yet they couldnt hear. They have sense of touch yet they cannot sense it as well. I dont ask much. Thats why i dont ask for their understanding and their presence as well. And they talked to me when they feel like it. What about me? If I dont feel like it.. I still answer them.. so i dont care anymore. The only perhaps most reasonable reason of the disappointment is that i thought we were good friends. Yet forever like usual.. the feeling isnt dere..

Rahel and Estha. They both exist in me. Paradise, Pickles and Preservatives.

My paradise.. I guess I feel like it when there is no more feeling in me..

I went to visit my grandma.. felt sorry for her.. was behaving like Rahel and Estha. not really that I Dont Care attitude.. but just that not much feeling.. I hadnt had much time with my grandma.. we were quite strangely not linked.. Its already impossible to communicate as i cannot understand dialect languages..

That visit to the cold unfeeling hospital. I dont want to grow old. It feels so much terrible now.. I cant imagine myself to grow old.. I will turn to a naggy and lonely freak.. It doesnt matter much with the looks.. old people look like that anyways.. Its jus that the normal reaction will make me nag and yag and all my descendants (if there is any) or relatives shun away from me.. I will be lonely.. far more worse off than being dead.. and i jus hope she will recover soon.. unattached to..

Like Estha who walked all over Ayenemem..

A little journey of mine.. I walked past 11 condos, 17 lightbulb shops, 3 hotels, a number of coffee shops, some buildings and a hospital.

That day i visited two hospitals.

I alighted off at novena as usual.. while waiting for 21 to go home.. I started my walkings.. I probably would look like some retards, idiots and freaks and if people started reading it.. I couldnt imagine what would be their impression of me..

well.. I Cannot Be Bothered..

That day was really down. Just so much things on my mind. I dont feel like going home. A sadistic place. A disturbed place. A tearful place. Only in my room.. It would be like heaven.. peacefully.. just like paradise..

I wanted to walk home from novena which would really take a long time.. after that defeat.. my legs were aching.. yet i am still walking home.. and then i dreaded home.. so i walked alone..

I went into ttsh. The signboard which pointed Tan Tock Seng Hospital A&E Emergency really attracted me to it. I walked up the slope.. aching each step i took.. though it is a little heavy for my legs.. but i continued.. each step i took.. I am conquering the aching.. the pain in my heart.. the sadness that filled my eyes.. the bravery of taking each step.. the courage of walking alone.. the determination to walk further..

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel. That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine. I’m torn.

I walked past some condos.. and then slopes and slopes and then the carpark and i saw the emergency.. Wanted go in and take a look in the main hall of A&E.. but i realised it was too crowded and this moment.. I dont like crowds now.. just for now.. I dont like strange looking eyes on me..

I sat at the bench and waited.. something like wanting to see an ambulance sending a patient in.. but there isnt any so i left.. I walked along some desolate corridors and i saw a little back garden.. and then there was nobody so i went in.. and it was really desolate.. Somehow i felt afraid.. there was a shadow somehow.. so i went out reminding myself to stay clear..

And then i walked out of buildings and buildings and then went past a Ministry of Home Affairs building - New Phoenix Park..The police outside the buildings were quite numerous so somehow it make me curious.. looking from the outside.. it stands grandly and it is really quite big.. and seems grand.. so it make me curious.. What Would Be Inside?

And then i came across some deserted place where i saw 3 blangadesh.. I looked up and saw the signboard.. XXX Banga XXX cant remember the exact road name..

And I ended somewhere walking aimlessly at toapayoh.. near there and i walked home.. and past a whole chain of shophouses.. and counted the lightshops.. the other side of the roads were lightshops as well but i didnt count that.. There was almost 17 and more lightshops.. bright enough to guide me as i walk alone..

I walked from sunset to sky turns dark.

All the while.. in my mp3.. it was playing Noboby's home.

It wasnt a bad idea to walk like that.. My journey ends around more than an hour when the dark sky is up.. when i could reach home in 10 mins.. I dont know wad was happening to me..

And I felt better after the walk. Perhaps Estha did felt the same.