[[ breakdown.. who doesnt? ]]

[[ breakdown.. who doesnt? ]]

Why didnt i bought that musical box earlier.. or else i will have it with me now.. i will feel much better now.. though i am alrite.. phew..

I told myself to be strong.. to be strong.. and be strong.. rememberin pris said to me be strong. be strong now. too many. too many problems..

I was thinking how strong I am.. and i was proven wrong..

I was in my usual mood.. happy and crazy.. I was stuck at the essay during today's lit lesson.. I haven had the time to read the book neither i had any impressions of whar the book was about.. I wrote my dumbest essay.. i dont care..

During econs tutorial.. I was half awake.. but mona chew didnt called me to answer any questions.. shu juan gave me a mint sweet that really keep me awake for the entire day? I began to start going thru the econs tys.. and I realise i couldnt really catch up.. I only got some part right..

And chinese lesson.. I don understand why we have tons of things to do.. compo and compo.. corrections and corrections.. further improvements on the compo.. and summary of chinese paragraphs.. The only thing that really freaked me out is that the whole class did that compos and better compos.. Teacher expect us to hand in and the only one who hasnt hand in is perhaps me.. They are too hiong.. I kept quiet.. really silence when the teacher asked..

I didnt know why. I was quiet. bcos i am in a different place.. a place which doesnt suit me.. I feel awkward.. or rather i feel outta place..

Went for floorball as usual on mondays.. and was released at 7+.. reached home about 8+.. didnt really went straight home.. went to bendemeer mac to study.. I was hungry but my dinner is waiting for me at home.. But i had no choice.. Its quite some distance from my home to the macs so I stayed and study and go home for dinner.. I cannot study at home.. You see why bcos i am here right now..

Around 9+.. hedi came and joined me.. I was studying econs when i have whole lots of tons and junks and hells of homework.. hedi came.. looking so depressed.. she break down soon when i told her you are going to cry soon.. lots of problems.. we heard JJ song.. repeatedly.. She cannot stop her tears.. I was consoling her.. At that moment I thought I am strong..

All the cheer ups.. cool.. relac.. dont think so much.. think positively..

Her life in CJ. She's been thru ups and downs.. her friends and schoolwork cannot stop the tears from flowing..

I am also having a tough life.. and i thought I was strong jus like wad she told herself that she is strong..

We walked slowly home.. sat down at my void deck and once again she couldnt take it.. tears came.. we were talking.. about her downs.. I sent her till her block void deck and I went off..

It was already 11pm.. I went up.. was like ravenous.. tired and hungry.. and my dad told me he thought i had eaten so he cleared the leftovers.. he wanted to cook noodles for me or buy food for me.. but i say no.. high cholestrol you know..but i was hungry and when he asked me i said no..

He went to bathe.. for some moment.. i didnt know why..

I went into the kitchen saw the leftovers still dere.. inside the oven and microwave perhaps he didnt saw that.. so i took out and eat.. it was the plainest dinner.. with rice, veggie and fish.

I didnt gave much thought and took out and eat.. eating thru halfway... i didnt know why.. my tears went down.. I tried to control but i couldnt.. my brother was in the living room and i dont want him to see me..

I wasnt brave. I wasnt strong. In fact.. I am so weak..

I will never forget the taste of my this dinner at 11.30pm.. The plain rice goes with the vegetables and fish.. didnt know why I used to dislike it..

"Chi fan chi dao ku le......... yuan lai wo ye lei le.. bu xing le.."

"吃饭吃到哭了..原来我也累了..不行了.."

My mum came out of her room.. I didnt expect her to be awake.. I immediately wiped away my tears.. stuffing food into my mouth.. looking only at the white and green... She came out ask me where I went..

Didnt know why I jus continue to cry.. She asked me what happened.. I keep shaking my head and staring still at the white and green.. my mother was like a police officer detaining a criminal..

I think I am stressed with my work. I couldnt catch up. She forced me to say until i couldnt take it and told her..

Its so strange.. I am 17 this year and crying in front of my mum.. uselesss i know.. Its probably the last 16 years I never cried in front of her.. I showed my weak side which i feel so utterly stupid..

Its alrite.. she is my mum..

She asked me which subject I couldnt cope.. My eyes in tears.. My mouth with food.. I said its alrite.. nevermind.. now the problem is i am having difficulty with all my subjects..

She asked me want tuition? I said no.

She asked me you might as well go poly.. I shook my head again.. She said study until so stress for what.. go poly la.. go poly better.. like that then how?

Poly adminstration should be closed by now. and i really don want to go poly. I know my route will be tougher ahead..

My mum is really worried.. she was supposed to be sleeping comfortably at this hour.. and supposed to wake up at 5.. yet bcos of me.. I feel so useless..

I called gera.. but I realised I dont feel like speaking at all.. and my dad asked me go and bathe.. I just dont feel like talking..

I couldnt find any good friends here.. I dont care anymore.. so hedi.. jus dont care.. we'll be fine.. even if without any of them.. I wont die..

lifehouse - you and me again..

Tired. I better get some rest now.

I still couldnt stop my tears from flowing after my bath.. until i went to my fridge and took out an yakult.. yakult works best for me.. No one knows this.. whenever i feel unhappy or angry.. after i finish my yakult.. I am done with.. =) really.. and my fridge is full of yakult drinks normally..

And guys.. dont bother consoling me.. I am really alrite now.. Or else I feel so insecure again.. I dont want any comments.. I feel tired about it.. Dont talk to me about this.. really alrite.. I dont want to say thx again.. I bet you people dont wanna say the same thing over again.. so just let me be.. have my way at times.. I will really appreciate this.. If anymore comments would only let me feel weak..

I am going strong.. still going strong..