[[ for now.. for now.. ]]

[[ for now.. for now.. ]]

did they ever know?

no. they dont.

nobody cares. no one cares.

they laugh they joke.

i smile. i laugh. i smile.

and they think im happy.

im going strong and im taking everything fine as it goes.

thats their assumption.

and her way of keeping quiet and making secrets.

really dammit. ever since my chinese teacher bluddy hell complained to my mum. i dont have a day of happiness.

my phone's confiscated. dont have to call me anymore. i have no phone.

my allowance is cut. and everyone think its a joke. ok. laugh people!

and they expect me to be home straightaway after school.

I remembered whatever they said clearly. do you need me to repeat? Juvenile Childish Adults.

Shut up! get out. get out of my life for this moment. everyone seems to be having problems with parents. parents pms times. noted. usually happen around beginning of august.

I wished im possesed. sometimes at home. you really felt like wanted to be ignored and people never let you off. you really need the space. but you never got it. and sometimes you wanna be noticed. you want their attention and they never bothered. I wished im possesed so that this kinda things will never affect me.

Adults are super childish. I seriously hate adults. I used to think what they say makes sense and they are forever right and reasonable. Sometimes they do make sense but often its not. They are forever right. thats of course. they claim them right and we got no say. so what makes them wrong? They too have their reasons. perfect reasons.

I hate to go home nowadays. Her mum nags. My mum nags. My dad with his heck attitude. My aunt with lotsa questions. I have no more room. I give it to my grandma. I give it all up to them. I have nothing left. A broken heart maybe. I have no privacy. I have nowhere to hide at home. I have no shelter. I have no warmth left.

The nicest on earth is perhaps my brother. This poor fellow down dere got scolded naturally when i got scolded. we shared scoldings and even he got cut in his allowance. He never said anything. Instead he poured water for me until i say so nice arh den he stop and we both laughed. He gave me some nice sweet that really tasted sweet. for now. for now. and it seems to be expensive. I ask him for somemore. he ask me to go fridge and take. and normally he would wind out about how he got nowhere to study when he lended me his only table to do my work as we both taking shelter in his room. My dearest dude brother, thanks a million. It might means nth but this time i really need it. for now. for now. rock on!

Pick up the pieces for me, Mr ruz! I wanna cry it all out.. i really wanna cry.. Mr ruz, where are you? I miss you.. I do..

and all my good friends.. where are you people? the listenings. the pretending to be listening. the huhs. the laughs. is all what i get. disappointed? I wont say that for now. for now. I know I'm down. torn in and thru. so I'm making a biased stand.

Let the music heal my soul. for now. for now.

shipingg I hope the modulus sign work. for now. for now.

Its unfair. I felt angry. But dere is no use for me to explain. I cant explain. can never. It all boiled up in me. I tried. I failed. Do you know how much how much i really wanted to scream shout yell? oh freaks!!! get out!!! shut up!! fugging adults.

I wanted them to care. I wanted their attention. desperately. and they dont even give a damn. i wished im possessed.

Did i ever mention about me? I have heart mumur. I used to carnt hear properly. Heart mumur is like a hole in your heart. you cant breathe properly. you cant attend pe lessons. thats how serious it is. its true. I need check-ups regularly for my improper hearing. and the check-ups is at ttsh. thats how serious it is. Whats the point? I am super imperfect. defect.

and it really hurts me. bring me down down down..

and i dont wanna fall to pieces..

In my brother's room..

Mum (knocked on the door loudly)

Shiping unlocked the door. and went to sit on the bed.

Mum : " Why you locked the door? Later your brother wants to go in." (in an angry tone)

Shiping : " He will say if he wants to come in." (thinking : parents' childish act. nonsense. Its totally bullshit)

Mum : " You people always forever like that.. i scold and you all started ignoring me.. like your brother.. didnt talk to me for 2 weeks.. you all grow big le.. now showing attitude.."

Shiping thinking : c'mon la.. you scolding can? who on the earth would smile at you or talk with you. and we're not showing attitude.. we're trying to calm things down.. we're behaving like young adults.. we're not like you.. we're rather step one step back and let things cooled down and you are assuming we are ignoring you.

(but shiping kept quiet not showing a single expression.)

Mum : " You didnt pass up work.. its your fault..and you blame other people.." (rattles on)

Shiping thinking : you didnt ask me why i couldnt hand in the work.. didnt ask me nicely and you started scolding.. Understand first, ok? I must say shes biased somehow. Other people didnt hand in their work. she called up my parents. and I really cannot finish what.. what you all want? I cannot finish means i cannot finish.. go force me jump down the building la..

(but shiping kept quiet not showing a single expression.)

Mum : " And I asked you to come home early.. where you go just now? "

Shiping (dont feel like speaking) : "I got ndp rehearsal."

Mum : " I dont care. after school come home immediately" (even though the ndp rehearsal is a question mark in her mind.)

Shiping : .... (silence. putting the pillow on her face while mum rattles on)

Mum : (took away the pillow and throw it back) you might as well dont go school la.. wont get stress wad.. don study.. go work.. can buy things you like and i can save money..

Shiping : Stop your nonsense can? I'm very tired. You're destroying all the little confidence i have in me.. down.. down in the drain.. (but still kept silence and in fury nodded my head about mum saying of going work..)

Thats me. I kept quiet and how much i wanna shout back. I couldnt do it. Sometimes shouting back at them isnt a bad thing. It can make them realise how hurt i felt when my parents said that. I am trying hard. at least i did try to study and now you said that. Its such a wet blanket. My world is raining. I couldnt stop my tears.

Save me.

Parents really left a huge impact in me since young. yet they never understand.

Its ok. i'm going strong. no one undestand anyway.

Continue people.

Ignore me or pretend like the normal way you do.