rainin'

it had been damn long. damn damn long before i sat in front of my com. i know the moment i on my com, i would never go until bedtime. but i felt like coming online tonight. want to indulge myself in all kinds of music. wanna take a break.

its still raining. why wouldnt it stop. let me perspire day in day out. i wouldnt mind. pheww.. been chionging as much work as i can. people said they never see me stop studying in canteen. they say my work never ends. yeap quite true but im still struggling. i've got to work extremely hard than now i guess. to get to where i want.

realised i've become so much heck. i want to heck the whole world and living it myself. i want to. but i realised some things just cant. i want to ignore and be ignored. i'll be damn carefree with nothing to worry nothing to trouble over, am i right hedi?

things never stop. moving in a fast pace.

too fast to control. too tragic to pause.

i am not a robot. i am tired. mentally and physically. im tired every moment. every now and then. there is so much to carry. heavy things. work load getting heavier and heavier each moment. why cant this world stay simple?

i've learnt. learn that compromise is spelled as com-promise. nice word right. linked with promise. i've learnt. i tried. i should try to spare a thought for others. but some things cannot be controlled. at least i tried to learn. i've tried. i've learnt. when the night falls, its aching. i aint that heck hedi. i told ya that because from my view you need to learn that. maybe to some others. i might be but there are things that we simply cannot hecked about. actually you're not that jia lat than me. at least you're livin' your life simple. you have no clue about the harsh reality. but my thoughts are running wild that i cant stop. i feel so complicated somehow. guess this blog entry is damn emotic but im not. i exasperate. all the time. feel so strongly about every single shit but helpless. i cant change the world. the world can change me.

its all that i've got. what?

been real busy with school. i try my best. maybe not able to see the effect so soon. but i know i am trying. i've been trying for quite some time. i don want to retreat. maybe into the little corners of mine. where the world's mine (:

I'll be just fine-
pretending i'm not.
i'm far from lonely and its all that i've got.



when the stars go blue.


its my turn.













minesweeper has bombs all around. and you need to think before you click. i have totally no confidence in myself. i'm losing. i know i am. i know i can never be simple. i can never stay simple because my thoughts were so deep. its bottomless. its fruitless. i feel so frustrated everytime. i feel so helpless everytime. i was left hanging and im holding on. when will eternity comes? then peace will come. stop this while. paused the world. forward. rewind. no. dont ever push the button play.



sometimes i jus dont know how to react to things.

blame me because i am dumb. i feel so stupid all the while. i never felt clever before. all the things i've done are all dumb. dumb things and im still doing it. i wanted to give up so much but i know i cant. efforts cannot be compared. i know. why cant i feel any cleverer any intelligence in me.

im stranded. like from the kite. the lost connectivity to the string. i'm the kite. i thought i could fly. but the thing that allows me to stay in the air is the wind. after some time, i lost direction and i fall. back to where i originally started. i thought so.

and hey not being emo freak here. im just listening to ge qian and then this wild thought ran past me.

how to hide. tracks of disappearance. i wished i could. voom voom vish! shiping disappeared from the world. vanished. a shiping-shaped hole in the universe vanished. hahha being super lame.

I wished i can see your world.



Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. k.o-ed.